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August 31, 1998   CONTINUED e-mail e-mail to a friend in need


Dear Breakup Girl,


My girl of 15 months went to a conference 5-6 hours drive away. She left Tuesday and was supposed to be back late Thursday night or Friday depending on how much money she had left. We were trying to sort through our problems at the time. Her ex-husband and former "soulmate" lived in the city where she was going. We talked about that. She assured me that it was completely over 4 years ago, and that their only contact would be when she dropped off (on arrival) and picked up (at departure) their 7-year-old child. She also has a 16-year-old from another man. She is in her mid 30's.

Wednesday night she had already checked out of the hotel where the conference was at, and where she was supposed to be staying, when I called her. The hotel said she checked out at noon. I had last talked to her at 2 or 3 PM. She did not tell me that she had checked out. She did not come home Wednesday night. Thursday she called and left me a message, in reply to my worried queries to the conference coordinator, saying that she had checked into this other hotel Wednesday night. Her message also said that she loves me. She did not try to reach me at home later or set a time to chat. She did not come home Thursday night. I left her messages.

When I reached her at her home Friday afternoon, she said that she had been home for several hours but had been running errands and had not yet gotten around to calling me back. The hotel she claimed she stayed at Wednesday had checked their records and could not locate her name anywhere. Her later excuse was that she split a room with some woman she met at the conference at this other hotel, that the room was in her name (she could not remember this woman's last name). She did say that she stayed at her ex's Thursday night because they took their child out together as a family, like the child wanted, and returned too late (10:00 to 11:00 PM) for her to drive home. Once in a while, she does drive for up to 3 hours to get home at 5:00 AM, after going dancing all night with girlfriends until 2:00 AM in another city. She said she had no money left for a hotel that Thursday night. She said she slept on a mattress on the floor with her child. During a chat, her child was sure about sleeping soundly in daddy's bed, not with mommy. My girl has insisted for several months that nothing at all happened between her and her ex, that she has nothing more to say about the subject.

I still cannot believe her completely.

I gave her ex an impromptu call recently to get at his story but he said that he would not talk to me, that what is between him and my girl is their own business! I want to break up and move on since I do not believe that nothing at all happened. I think something did cause her to stay the night other than her excuse, that something did happen, the extent of which it seems I'll never know for sure. My dilemma is the possibility that my girl simply made a bad decision to stay the night.

Although a career woman, she has made many bad decisions with past relationships, has been with lots of men, has a very promiscuous past. She has been candid about that. She used to have many sex flings, but says she has settled down now, loves me, and wants to marry me. She says that the past is long since behind her, for many years. She says she is done with her former soulmate husband, that he is like a "brother" to her now. I still suspect that something did happen on her trip that she cannot tell.

What do you think? Yes, I love her. Yet I shall move on if need be.What should I do? I need to decide one way or the other now. She is pushing for a commitment. Should I stay, or should I move on? All comments welcome. Thanks.

-- PT

Dear PT,

Actually, I'm not sure all of my comments are going to be welcome.

First, let me get on your good side. YES, if I were you, I'd be suspicious, too, given what you now know about where she ... wasn't.

Still, I don't know for sure what happened; I don't know what will happen. You either. But I can tell you what it will take for you two to stay together. Hey, PT: Do you have the wherewithal to trust her? Do you have it in you? Cheating/lying are bad; they are not okay with Breakup Girl. BUT. Are you going to check up on her when she leaves the house? Are you going to get hotels to go through their records? I am not saying you weren't "justified" (well, with calling the ex, you weren't); I'm just saying this did-him/did-not stalemate does not form the basis for a nummy yummy snuggly pooky marriage. Someone's gotta give. As in choose to trust, and go from there. Or, simply, go. And let's just say it's not gonna be her. Up to you, buddy.

Breakup Girl

P.S. "Career woman" and "bad decisions with past relationships" are unrelated. Speaking as a professional superhero.



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