& NEXT LETTER >
 

I don't know what I would do without Paul the Intern. Actually, he has asked to be called "Paul the Emperor." We've kept his request on file . But anyway. I wish you all had a Paul the Intern of your very own. I also wish you all had a Betty Currie of your own. That would make this business of

Getting Your Stuff Back

a whole lot easier, don't you think? According to the New York Times, it is "known that Mrs. Currie played an important role in the drama by retrieving several gifts that Clinton had given Ms. Lewinsky, an action that prosecutors charge was performed at the President's behest and constituted obstruction of justice." Oh, whatever. Sounds like "closure" to me. Plus Clinton may have wanted to reread that part in the preface to Leaves of Grass where Whitman says, "The proof of a poet is that his country absorbs him as affectionately as he has absorbed it." (Clinton to self: "What rhymes with 'Sorry?'")

BG used to say that the best way to get your stuff back is to meet in a neutral place -- like a parking lot, or Switzerland -- and just ... switcheroo. This method has been demoted to second-best. Now, I'd recommend that you Betty your stuff back: dispatch a loyalist with a garbage bag, packing tape, and bubble wrap (occupies exes for hours!). And next time, PLAN AHEAD.

And now, one of many similar letters that I hope weren't written on a laptop that you really should get around to returning...

NEXT LETTER >