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Dear Breakup Girl,
I guess this question isn't too hard to answer. I've liked this girl, let's
call her Joan, and for four years now I've been crazy about her, but I never
had the guts to really go for her. I've since supressed all my feelings for her
because I don't feel I'm good enough for her. So, NO ONE knew that I had these
feelings for her. Joan's the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful, most perfect
girl in the world, but she's just a regular friend to me and that fact is
I'm not the ideal guy for girls. I'm the quiet guy who no one really bothers
to talk to (hardly popular), except to ask for help on a homework assignment. I
guess you can call me a nerd, but I'm not that dorky. Her friends can stand me,
but they don't really enjoy my company if you know what I mean.
Well, I know for a fact that Joan doesn't like me in that special kind of
way, and I need to find someway to let her know how I feel without completely
scaring her away. I don't want to lose her friendship. I talk to her whenever
possible about little things and I spend as much time as possible around her
without seeming conspicuous. I call her from time to time just to talk. I make
up some excuse and ask about what assignment we got from which class and then
go onto other, more casual things.
Joan's been in a few bad relationships before where she was the one who got
hurt each time. I just want to show that I can be that person that she's been
Joan knew that I liked her a year ago from a big hint I gave her, but that
was as far as I got. From what her friend said, she wasn't disgusted with that
thought (which is good), but she wasn't excited either. I'm not sure whether or
not she still thinks that I like her, but I still do. I guess that's all I can
say right now. Please help me.
-- Jonathan L.
Let's just say for the record that helping with homework is not always
a bad place to start.
But you should also check your own grammar. I'm quite
sure that Miss Joan is fantastically sweet, kind, and beautiful. But
gramatically, Jonathan my man, no one is "most perfect." And
human-ly, for that matter, no one is "perfect." (Even David Duchovny
has made foolish choices.) Especially someone who you "know for a
fact" doesn't like you in that "special kind of way." I'd call
that a major flaw.
I'd also bet that, unless Joan is a dim bulb -- which
doesn't seem like your type -- she knows you LIKElike her. And she knows
that you're a good person who's not just out to jump her bones. You've made
your trusty friend point quite well, I'm sure.
So I'd say you're left with two choices:
1. Ask her out. Sure, you might be the person she's
looking for, but if she hasn't acted on that yet, you might need to upgrade
your image from assignment-checker to asker-outer. YIKES, yes, but look at it
this way: an invitation ("Joan, would you like to go see I Still Know
What You Did Last Summer?") is a way less scary (for both of you) way
of "letting her know how [you] feel" than an announcement
("Joan, I need to let you know that I've been crazy about you for four
2. Keep doing what you're doing ... but less. You have
found a way to be a pleasant presence in her life, and to get a flirty fix for
yourself. But is it really working for you? As long as you're Joansing, you get
to work the martyr/savior/tutor angle, but other than that, it doesn't
necessarily get you anywhere. I'm sure your taste is good, kiddo, but again,
check your judgment: you've spent four precious years having only excuse-based
conversations with someone who -- according to you -- is at best "not
disgusted" with the thought that you like her and whose friends can at
best "stand" you. It is she, Jonathan, who is thus "not good
enough" for you. I don't mean she's a bad person; I just mean that as
far as Breakup Girl is concerned, this crush may not be the world's best use of
your time and energy and heart valves.
Here's your homework assignment: think about who and
what around you do you not notice when you're phoning Joan. My guess is that
there ARE folks, friend-types and possibly otherwise, who DO bother to talk to
you, but you're busy making up excuses to call the Joanster. Which is a great
way not to have to talk to them -- or to have to start new conversations
yourself. So I'm not going to tell you to somehow terminate your crush, but I
am going to tell you -- unless, of course, you go with Option 1 -- to let it
breathe on its own now. Do less work. And next time write to me about
someone who's most ... excellent.
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