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Dear Breakup Girl,

This is hard. I dated a guy briefly, and it didn't work out. He understands this, but beyond us, his life is crumbling. He accepted a corporate job in computers at age 20, and hasn't been able to let go of his old lifestyle. His friends are all musicians, some of them the best, and he's the odd man out/in. He's their rational, their accomplisher, their answer man. HE feels bad leaving the party early, he feels dedicated to his job. Now let me explain where I come in:

I love this man, dearly. He's beautiful, with eyes that'll melt your heart. He's super-smart, but in an off-beat, real-world way. He's been ill (ulcers) to the point of almost dying. He's a heroin junkie. You see, when we broke up, he decided that getting back together would be too much for me, and felt he would drag me down. He's proceeded to isolate himself from his friends most of the time, and has been using copious amounts of drugs. He has the $$$ to keep it up; he has the stubborness to ignore the warnings. He's the best thing that ever happened to most of the people I know, his company, and maybe even people who don't know him yet. I can't help feeling guilty watching him die off like this. It won't be long. And he's pushing everyone further and further away emotionally. Recently his ex killed herself, blaming him in the "final" note. He's provided me with e-mail (owns the server), a place when I'm lonely, money when I'm short, and compassion when I need it, and I feel so helpless. I know his time is drawing near, if he doesn't stop. But I can't make him. The more I try the deeper he goes. Do I walk, or do I force him to help himself? If he dies, there will be a void in many people's lives, mine included. I'm sorry this sounds so cluttered, but, those are my thoughts.

-- Melissa

Dear Melissa,

Rough, rough, rough; sad, sad, sad. As Belleruth says, "he sounds like a beautiful, flawed guy." Thing is -- as you may well suspect -- suggesting to a heroin user that he might want to quit his self-destructive lifestyle may well fall on beautiful, flawed, deaf ears.

Get a second, third, fourth opinion on this -- not to mention expert guidance if you go through with it -- but one of your sadly few, no-guarantees options might be to stage an intervention with like-minded friends and relatives ... though who knows how many would still be up for going along with it. Then again, maybe exactly what's missing is someone taking a stand/the lead on getting him clean.

Whatever you decide, get support for yourself (see resources above, perhaps). Your own feelings of guilt and helplessness will also require intervention. Good luck.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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