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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm so bent out of shape. I just spent two hours carefully writing and rewriting a question for you, making it as clear and detailed and honest as I could...and my computer crashed and I lost it all.

So here's the short, short version, which may be just as meaningful to you. I hope. I'm the double-buttered Should girl, by the way, aka Robin; you answered my letter a while ago and I continue to be grateful. My long version got all into the psychology of revisiting a painful, unsatifying relationship with a cool, withholding, punitive parent through loving a guy with similar attributes, trying to rewrite history and finally get the love you've been craving since you were a kid. Oh, well.

Okay, here goes. I love my guy and he loves me, but there's one thing. I'm warm and affectionate and love all that stuff: cuddling, kissing, spooning, cards, saying I love you. He is very self-contained, and doesn't really like all that. He's fine, but I'm going crazy! I miss that lovey-dovey stuff. I'm starving; I feel like an insatiable affection addict. I feel hopelessly needy sometimes. I'd love to cool down, but my natural thermostat just seems set on nice 'n' cozy, and his on air-conditioning. He sympathizes with me, but says, "I yamwhat I yam."

Can't argue with that. I'm far beyond the idea of If Only He Would Change Then I Would Be Happy. There's a ton of sexual chemistry, loyalty, and friendship between us. But can I live like this forever? Okay, there's more to it, and maybe having to write this letter again is making me more honest. I have my doubts about him in other areas, too -- the ability to work out differences, his level of maturity -- but we're all on a learning curve, right? I'm not exactly the Queen of Communication, either.

So, how does a compassionate, loving, forgiving, accepting (not to mention lonely, self-doubting, pessimistic) woman know whether she's trying to pretend that a frog is actually Prince Charming -- or, whether she's turning the prince into a frog because of all the baggage she's bringing into the equation: neediness, unrealistic expectations, stuff like that?

Of course, sometimes he is a frog, and sometimes he's a prince, and sometimes he's just a guy.

I confess: I absolutely LOVE being in love. Is it my Achilles' tendon? Or my strength? Or both? I love the smell of him, the thought of him in my bed, the thought of having a future, making plans, having a man's perspective on things. Sure, I could say naw, he's not perfect, I'll continue to look for Mr. Fantasy, but maybe all that does is get me farther away from loving a real, flesh and blood, imperfect human being -- someone like me.

It's one thing to have some shopping list of What I Want in a Man, but you can't order up a guy like you can a mountain bike (oh, that you could!) -- these handlebars, those tires, that paint job. Yeah, I'd like a kind, gorgeous, smart, sexy, tender, accomplished, devoted Love God who can make a mean fettucine Alfredo: doesn't everyone? But even if you got him custom-built and delivered FedEx, who knows? Maybe in all that perfection, something was missing -- that crucial wing-nut of chemistry. Love just doesn't work so predictably, and BG knows that better than I do.

I've seen friends toss out a nice guy because they don't like his new haircut, and other friends put up with outright abuse or soul-crushing indifference because they're terrified of being alone, or being too picky, or never finding anyone else. I also know of bright, beautiful women around my age (41) who are lonely and would give anything to have a half-decent guy in their lives and haven't had so much as a date in months -- who've been on their own for YEARS. Yes, that scares me.

I'm far from perfect, and he still wants to be with me. He's somewhat less than perfect; do I want to be with him? I'm going crazy, BG, it's been a year and a half and nothing becomes clearer. When that last letter of mine disappeared off the screen, I almost cried. Please help me sort this out.

-- R.

Dear R.,

Glad to have you back. Obviously I don't know what your first draft said exactly, but I can't imagine a more insightful inquiry as to the difference between standards and fantasies, between accepting and settling. While we've all learned something about hitting "save" on the computer, I'm afraid I'm not going to say in black and white whether you should do so on this relationship. But I will tell you where to look. Some essay questions for you:

1. But while you're looking at the empty space where his love notes aren't, are you missing something else? I've said it before, I'll say it again: some people are good at some stuff, some people are bad at some stuff. Of course I can see why it would drive you nuts to have to initiate all the cuddling, spoonage, etc. But maybe, yeah, he just sucks at it. Which, yes, sucks for you. But look a little deeper and wider. Like, does he show "it" -- chemistry, friendship, loyalty, affection -- by: bringing the car around when it's raining? Rewiring that lamp without being asked? Talking about what you're up to at parties? Refusing other plans to be with you, but without making a "Look what I did, Pooky" announcement? Reassembling the paper before you read it? I mean, maybe metal and newsprint don't give you the warm fuzzies, but maybe there are other ways that make up "his way." I don't know. So instead of nudging him to do something that doesn't come naturally, ask him what does -- and especially, maybe, what does now that has never before. Talk to him (or just think) about what he does do, what he does feel, what he does want to express to you through actions that don't match yours. Maybe you'll see something/one new, maybe you won't. But this kind of inquiry will give you a different set of data to work with.

2. "I yam what I yam:" discuss. Or do you? I mean, is he open to, like, "relationship" conversations, about this particular topic or others? He is totally free to have no interest in actually changing, but is he truly interested in: listening, compromising, seeking alternatives, considering issues to be multiple-choice rather than yes/no? Dunno. You tell me.

3. Against whom/what are you measuring him? Against your actual day-to-day needs and feelings index, or against an out-there someday ideal? Are you actually starving now, or are you just holding out to see what the people next to you order? You know?

All important things -- and perhaps new-light-shedding -- things to consider. But if I remember correctly, you also get on your own case a lot, let the voice of "should" drown out your own, worry that it's not okay once in a while to sip espresso and hit the matinee and not always be doing or deciding or thinking or creating or accomplishing or getting things right. So I think you should think about these questions -- and, yes, do something about them -- but I also think that sometimes, you should not think about them. Stop, enjoy the smell of popcorn/him. Do you love it? Let yourself.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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