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Dear Breakup Girl,

I am the "other woman" in an affair. The only thing is, I am not seeing the husband, but rather the wife. Darcy and I were friends many years ago and started talking again about 8 months ago. We spent months talking on the phone and never saw each other in person, but then we began to realize we had fallen for each other. Our physical relationship started about a month ago. We see each other pretty often, but only when her husband is at work. She doesn't seem to have any intention of leaving Robert at this point and I don't want to make any demands so soon. I know I love her and she says she is in love with me, but I don't know how long I can take being in an affair. I want a real relationship with her. She is perfect for me, and I want to be with her the rest of my life. Do married people having an affair ever leave their spouses? How long should I wait before telling her she needs to make a choice? Am I an idiot for getting involved with her in the first place? PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!

-- Hoping

Dear Hoping,

Brace yourself. It is remotely possible that having fallen for you will bring Darcy to the realization that she's been living a lie with her husband; you two run off together, cue sunset, end of story. But Hoping, even if that did happen, there's actually no guarantee that she'd run off with you. People see -- and yes, fall in love with -- people for different reasons when they do it on the sly vs. when they do it "legit."

But Hoping, my sense is that -- whenever or if ever you give her the "choice" speech, which you are entitled to do at any time -- she really isn't going to leave Robert. Look, people who swear they're leaving their spouses don't go; she's already saying she's staying. Plus, society being the way it is, it's arguably a little less daunting for a man to leave a marriage for a woman than it is for a woman to leave a marriage for a woman.

I'm sorry. But listen. While BG does not applaud anyone's decision to have any affair, you might as well search through the wreckage not for idiocy, but for opportunity. Was this your first woman thing, Hoping? Because -- well, not like you're going to get over Darcy by tomorrow -- but maybe you have unlocked something that needed to be unlocked, something that you are now free to take out and explore with someone else. Maybe you felt like the urge was so forbidden, you had to express it somewhere really bad, like someone else's marriage. Maybe not. I don't know. But whomever you wind up with, remember that you deserve to be someone's The, not the Other.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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