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Dear Breakup Girl,
My boyfriend and I were together for 8 1/2 months, quite a feat for two
seniors in high school. We broke up not too long ago, but the relationship has
really been over for longer than that. At the beginning, everything was
wonderful. He was different from the typical guy that I was attracted to, but
that was part of the attraction. Eventually, we decided to have sex-- something
that I had always wanted to wait until marriage for. But after many, many make
out sessions and many, many conversations on how to protect ourselves, and
many, many "I love you"s, I changed my mind. Sex wasn't something
that I actually enjoyed a whole lot, because basically, I just felt really mad
at myself for giving into something when I had felt so strongly about remaining
a virgin until marriage.
Anyway, after our decision to bring sex into the relationship, I became
extremely emotional (my guess is that it was because of the strong attatchment
to him combined with my troubled thoughts and possibly some side effects to the
Pill). I didn't want to be with him any longer because all it did was remind me
of how I had let myself down.
So, after two months of "trying to make things work" and a lot of
tears, we broke up. I thought that it would feel horrible and it did, but only
for a few days. I realized that I was better off now (no more guilt) and that
we would always stay friends... which basically is what we had become by the
end of the relationship.
All right, oh wise Breakup Girl, here is my question. "Jeff"
called me a few days ago and asked me if I wanted to spend Valentine's Day with
him. He says that V-Day is a day to spend time with someone special and that I
am that someone--his best friend. So I am wrestling with my heart and mind,
which are extremely conflicting at the moment. What do I do? I would love to
spend the day with him (the plan would be to go out to lunch or dinner and
maybe a movie), but I am afraid that we would do something stupid and get back
together -- something that I don't want right now. He is my best friend, on the
other hand, and it would be good to see him and just hang out. Breakup Girl,
-- Horribly Confused
You are right to take the Valentine's Day question
seriously, if only because Jeff's invitation sounds like advice someone might
give him on how to start the getting-you-back process. (It wasn't me! But it's
Anyway, here's the thing. I am worried that you broke
up not with Jeff, but with Guilt.
I'd like you to consider why you are giving yourself
such a hard time for changing your mind about having sex. So hard, in fact,
that you gave up a spiffy boyfriend in order to punish/protect yourself
for/from further bad deeds/feelings. If I'm right here, then this is something
you need to confront before you can enjoy intimacy -- in all its 31 flavors --
with whoever might come next (back).
Or: consider that you were looking for an out from
this relationship -- and the door marked "GUILT" was the one that
swung open right in front of you.
So. Yes, if you do go out on Valentine's Day, you
might get back together. People find themselves reunited on occasions that do
not involve Godiva and sweetheart roses; do not underestimate the temptation on
occasions that do. As far as I'm concerned, this would be "stupid"
only if: (a) you are unwilling to then have a serious talk with this third
wheel known as the G-Man, or (b) you just plain vanilla don't want to. In which
case, you can "see him and just hang out" on President's
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