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March 1, 1999   CONTINUED e-mail e-mail to a friend in need



Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm not really worried about this but I figure I should go ahead and get some sort of insight into the subject.

I have a tendency towards "hooking up" with my friend's exes. It started junior year in high school. I went to prom with my best friend's boyfriend. See, he asked me like this," So, I'm either going to ask you or Mary to prom." I accepted. (Like I was really gonna pass up the opportunity to get a free dinner and free booze for a night, ride around in a limo, party with all my friends, and look smashing while doing it!) Then, as soon as I accepted, he goes," So, should I ask Mary out or not?" The whole thing confused me, but through it all I still went with him, even though after the dance she came and picked him up from the hotel and they went off. And the thing is that I had no romantic feelings towards him. I think I did it just to prove something to myself, what that was I haven't a clue. Actually, it was probably having something to do with a feeling of power and control. I knew what I was doing was hurtful and just plain mean, but I didn't care.

Next, it was sleeping with my ex-roommate's ex. We were drunk one night and I ended up going to his place. He gave me all this crap about how he'd always liked me. I half way knew it was crap but continued sleeping with him for the next several months. Hey, the sex was good. Plus I was going through a horny spell. My ex-roommate didn't know what was going on until the very end, and to this day I still haven't talked to her about it due to the fact that we now live in different cities. Anyways, that relationship is over (if you want to even call it a relationship).

But, not 2 weeks after I knew that was over, I fooled around with a guy my friend Jo had just messed with about a week before. She was there; it was a little get-together. She knew the guy and I would probably end up doing something, and it didn't bother her. She hated him anyway, after a series of events that occured during the week after they kissed. But, that was a one time thing between him and I. I think I had a relapse of my horny spell at the time.

Also, I find myself very attracted to guys that are taken. Or, if a friend tells me she has a thing for a guy, for some unknown reason, my crazy mind will start brewing and I'll find myself attracted to the same guy. I don't make it obvious though. Maybe it's the challenge, the fact that I can't have them, or the original sin side of me that I find myself feeling this way and doing these things. It could also be what I mentioned before, about the power and control. I hope this problem is relevant to your "expertise" and admissible to your site. If not, please at least keep an eye on your man and warn others with boyfriends of my wrath.

-- Homewrecker

Dear Homewrecker,

Yes, you are. Worried about this. And yes, you do. Care about being mean. How do I know? 'Cause, between hookups, you wrote.

Why do you do it? You say it's about power and control; I say nah, the emperor's got no prom dress. How powerful do you really feel? How in control do you really feel? How strong and desired and yummy do you feel when you're basically saying yes ... to people who aren't really asking a question?

But much as this is about laissez-faire coucher-avec-moi invitations, it's also about self-fulfilling prophecies. How non-Girlfriend Material do you think you are? How Bad a Friend do you think you are? And let's see... how can you prove that -- and with whom -- tonight? What doesn't draw you to boy legitimacy and galpal loyalty: the possibility of losing them? I don't know exactly what's going on with you, Homewrecker, but as sin goes, it's not that original.

Breakup Girl



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