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March 8, 1999   CONTINUED e-mail e-mail to a friend in need

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Dear Breakup Girl,

Here's my predicament. I'm 17. Senior in high school. I've had barely one relationship in my life. I'm pretty much over her now although it took about 6 months or so to fully get over it because I realized I blew something that could have been good. Since then I've experimented with the online services, and have had two long distance flings that have only helped to make me feel more alone and more confused.

I don't really know what my problem is. I am convinced its me and not the girls in this area like my friends always tell me. I don't think I'm that bad. I am good looking (I think and a lot of other people have told me so), I'm a nice guy, I'm not loud or boisterous and don't try to act like a bigshot in front of other people. I think I'm funny and girls do seem to think I'm funny. I just can't seem to ever be dating or relationship material for anyone. I can get from flirting to a date but I can never pass from a date to a relationship and that is killing me. I was hoping to use this year's homecoming as a chance to jump start a relationship but that backfired in my face miserably when I got yes for an answer twice and proceeded to get dumped the next day TWICE. I ended up going to homecoming with a group of friends feeling lonely and feeling like the biggest loser on the planet.

I've been trying to figure out why I can't ever seem to get a relationship going. I've come to the conclusion that fate has cursed me with a big build (6'4" 240, not fat but bulky) and that seems to turn off lots of the girls especially the smaller ones. I've also been really shy towards girls before this year but I'm changing a lot for the better lately. Also I've never naturally associated with many females as I've tended to gravitate toward things of male interest like sports and things like that. All in all I've never really figured out how to put it all together. I've already blown at least 1 relationship that could have been beautiful if I hadn't messed it up and I don't wanna do it again.

I've done a lot of soul searching for answers but they're not coming too easily. I was hoping you could give me some of your great words of wisdom to help me out.

-- Lonely and Confused


Dear Lonely and Confused,

How stoked am I that you're not blaming your rut only on your bulk?

See, here's the big annoying thing about Size, Society, and Self. Everyone listening?

1. I'm not gonna lie to you. Often, as far as Society (including "the smaller girls") is concerned, your size is The Problem.

BUT.

2. Losing weight will not solve your problems.

In other words, lotsa times, people say, "I'm fat, I'm lonely, and I suck. If only I could lose weight, everything would be fine." Then they do, mirabile dictu, and really, only their wardrobe changes. They say, "I'm thin, and I'm still lonely. I still suck." And they gain the weight back. It's not -- necessarily -- about the pounds.

So. As I said, your attitude is at least heading for the right track -- though I'd quibble with the word "cursed" -- when you focus on areas other than the one you take up. But let me tell you this, Lonely -- and this is what I'm saying in #2 -- non-bulky people write to me with the Exact Same Concerns. No one morphs every flirtation into a relationship. No one has really figured out how to "put it all together." No one doesn't feel like a loser when they get dumped for homecoming and go with friends. But most people do forget to notice that (a), well, if they were with friends, they weren't the only dateless wonders, and (b), corny as it sounds, friends can be better, more important companions than a tipsy, distant I-just-need-a-date dance partner. I promise promise promise you: lonely and losery for one night at Homecoming is way better than feeling like you have no friends to come home to.

But. How unstoked am I that you're totally blaming yourself for your "messups"/breakups?

Look, you don't even have to tell me what actually happened. Maybe it just "didn't work out." Maybe you did do something that made her angry. Maybe you didn't do something, and that made her angry. Whatever. In another partnership, that Thing might not have been an issue. It takes two to not tango. So if you learned something -- other than "I suck" -- from that relationship, excellent. Use it. For good, not for self-flagellation. Just keep doing what you're doing -- the fun parts -- asking choice girls out, seeing where it goes. Don't make one big event, either in your past (the relationship) or the future (the next Homecoming) into the "This is it!" be-all, end-all, start-all. To the best of your ability, go on about your merry, messy, bulky way. Live as large as you are.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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