<
PREVIOUS LETTER ||
NEXT LETTER >
Dear Breakup Girl,
Here's my predicament. I'm 17. Senior in high school. I've had barely one
relationship in my life. I'm pretty much over her now although it took about 6
months or so to fully get over it because I realized I blew something that
could have been good. Since then I've experimented with the online services,
and have had two long distance flings that have only helped to make me feel
more alone and more confused.
I don't really know what my problem is. I am convinced its me and not the
girls in this area like my friends always tell me. I don't think I'm that bad.
I am good looking (I think and a lot of other people have told me so), I'm a
nice guy, I'm not loud or boisterous and don't try to act like a bigshot in
front of other people. I think I'm funny and girls do seem to think I'm funny.
I just can't seem to ever be dating or relationship material for anyone. I can
get from flirting to a date but I can never pass from a date to a relationship
and that is killing me. I was hoping to use this year's homecoming as a chance
to jump start a relationship but that backfired in my face miserably when I got
yes for an answer twice and proceeded to get dumped the next day TWICE. I ended
up going to homecoming with a group of friends feeling lonely and feeling like
the biggest loser on the planet.
I've been trying to figure out why I can't ever seem to get a relationship
going. I've come to the conclusion that fate has cursed me with a big build
(6'4" 240, not fat but bulky) and that seems to turn off lots of the girls
especially the smaller ones. I've also been really shy towards girls before
this year but I'm changing a lot for the better lately. Also I've never
naturally associated with many females as I've tended to gravitate toward
things of male interest like sports and things like that. All in all I've never
really figured out how to put it all together. I've already blown at least 1
relationship that could have been beautiful if I hadn't messed it up and I
don't wanna do it again.
I've done a lot of soul searching for answers but they're not coming too
easily. I was hoping you could give me some of your great words of wisdom to
help me out.
-- Lonely and Confused
Dear Lonely and Confused,
How stoked am I that you're not blaming your rut only
on your bulk?
See, here's the big annoying thing about Size,
Society, and Self. Everyone listening?
1. I'm not gonna lie to you. Often, as far as Society
(including "the smaller girls") is concerned, your size is The
Problem.
BUT.
2. Losing weight will not solve your
problems.
In other words, lotsa times, people say, "I'm
fat, I'm lonely, and I suck. If only I could lose weight, everything would be
fine." Then they do, mirabile dictu, and really, only their wardrobe
changes. They say, "I'm thin, and I'm still lonely. I still suck."
And they gain the weight back. It's not -- necessarily -- about the
pounds.
So. As I said, your attitude is at least heading for
the right track -- though I'd quibble with the word "cursed" -- when
you focus on areas other than the one you take up. But let me tell you this,
Lonely -- and this is what I'm saying in #2 -- non-bulky people write to me
with the Exact Same Concerns. No one morphs every flirtation into a
relationship. No one has really figured out how to "put it all
together." No one doesn't feel like a loser when they get dumped for
homecoming and go with friends. But most people do forget to notice that (a),
well, if they were with friends, they weren't the only dateless wonders, and
(b), corny as it sounds, friends can be better, more important companions than
a tipsy, distant I-just-need-a-date dance partner. I promise promise promise
you: lonely and losery for one night at Homecoming is way better than feeling
like you have no friends to come home to.
But. How unstoked am I that you're totally blaming
yourself for your "messups"/breakups?
Look, you don't even have to tell me what actually
happened. Maybe it just "didn't work out." Maybe you did do something
that made her angry. Maybe you didn't do something, and that made her angry.
Whatever. In another partnership, that Thing might not have been an issue. It
takes two to not tango. So if you learned something -- other than "I
suck" -- from that relationship, excellent. Use it. For good, not for
self-flagellation. Just keep doing what you're doing -- the fun parts -- asking
choice girls out, seeing where it goes. Don't make one big event, either in
your past (the relationship) or the future (the next Homecoming) into the
"This is it!" be-all, end-all, start-all. To the best of your
ability, go on about your merry, messy, bulky way. Live as large as you
are.
Love,
Breakup Girl
<
PREVIOUS LETTER ||
NEXT LETTER >