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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a problem with my partner (lover of eight months and close friend of well over eighteen months) whom I love dearly. He is six years younger than me, but MUCH younger than that (I am 30). I am his first 'long term' partner: he has only just left home, he has never travelled, taken risks, gone hungry, made mistakes rah rah rah. In essence, he's just a baby. Generally this is ok, but at the end of the day, I sometimes feel like his mother, always helping and teaching him stuff (I am very independent so this frustrates me). I want a MAN not a BOY dammit! How do I ride out the growing up process? I just want to accelerate his next few years, which is a bit dangerous really. Sometimes I feel like I'm settling for second best, sometimes I think my expectations are too high. Mostly, I am frustrated. He treats me like a Queen, adores me (too green to be cynical about women yet). Our sex life is currently suffering because of the way I feel. PLEASE help.

-- Feeling Lost

P.S. Why does my (newish) gay male flatmate hate me? I suspect he doesn't like women, but I am taking it so personally. Where do I go from here? I can't really ask him is he doesn't like women can I? I don't want to hear that he doesn't like me as a person or thath I'm unbearable to live with. We both share with one other male, whom we both get along with extremely well.

Dear Feeling Lost,

Yep, well, those are a key six years. As I've said before, arguably, lots more of life happens to you in your 20s. Not that your 30s are some sort of black hole -- the first month of mine has been very lively, thanks -- but think about it: 20s are college, your first job, maybe your first apartment, whatever. You're still changing, sorting stuff out. In your 30s, well, I hope to God you're still sorting some stuff out, because otherwise you'd be really stiff and stuck and boring. But in your 30s you are, ideally, more ... set. Your art is framed, not gummed; your noodles are soba, not ramen. Same generation, big gap.

And there's a sense in which it feels nice to be the Mommy, nice to be the Queen, the teacher, the wise owl, the mentor, the resume-tweaker. Makes you feel: big. Smart. Needed. Like you learned something from leaving home, travelling, taking risks, going hungry, making mistakes. I understand.

Thing is, once you become truly independent, you'll be able to feel that way all by yourself.

Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. Ask the other guy.

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