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Dear Breakup Girl,

Ugh, where do I start? Well, b.f. and I have been together almost three years. He's 33, I'm 31. Neither of us has ever been married -- but marriage and a family is something that we've always discussed. About 7 months ago, we agreed that we'd have a serious discussion about the marriage part of things in 6 months. Well, we had it, but that just brought up a number of questions that I don't know how to deal with. First of all, b.f. is in a band and has been for about ten years. He's determined, dedicated and smart and he really wants to make a living doing what he loves. I admire his perserverance and his attitude (and I don't mean to be crass), but he's never made more than $7000 a year (total) in the years we've been going out. Now, I'm not at all money-hungry, but I like going out to dinner once in a while and buying new bedroom slippers when the old ones fall apart and generally not freaking out over finances every single day (every other day is fine, thank you). I'm extremely lucky in that I have a job I love and I do okay in the salary department. B.f. is frugal (to say the least) and he's always lived a spartan life in order to exist on such little money. I should mention that we live together -- and honestly, since I make more money, I don't have a problem with paying a larger share of the rent et. al.

The rub is the family issue. B.f. is on the road a good 8 months out of the year. When we seriously talked marriage, I also brought up the life expectancy of the band. The way I see it, we could not have a (happy, potentially normal) family until b.f. made more money and was home more often than not. I know myself well enough to know that being the primary breadwinner and primary caregiver would make me a very unhappy kitten. The problem is, the time table that I have compromised on (if band isn't making enough money for him to contribute to a potential family in two years, then he needs to find something else) isn't sitting well with him. I fear that, should he feel any glimmer of hope for the band towards the end of our agreed-upon time -- well, he's going to hold it against me. And, as much as I don't believe in telling the man I love that he can't pursue his dream any more, I have always wanted to have children. As my gyno so gently told me last year, "you aren't getting any younger." And, I know - I could have kids into my 40s, but I feel like a)I don't want to be having my first kid at 40 and b)if we're going to be partners, we need to be able to work this out together --I shouldn't be the one to sit and wait. I would really hate it if b.f. put me in a position (should we get married) to be the bitchy wife who squashed his hopes. Likewise, I would really hate to just be sitting here indefinitely hoping that b.f. (or hubby) would decide that maybe *this* will be the year he settles down.

B.f. feels, too, that he'll be a failure if he doesn't make the band work out. I guess it bums me out too, to think that my potential life mate will look upon the next phase of our life together as a failure. Not terribly exciting. As a result, he talks about not knowing what kind of shitty job he could get if he wasn't in the band. The boy has a master's degree for cryin' out loud! He's brilliant, witty and really outgoing.

I guess that's the other hard thing -- I'm madly in love with him and I know he's in love with me too. If we lived in fantasy land, I wouldn't worry about this. There are other nagging uncertainties -- but most of them center around the fact that b.f. spends more time with three other guys in a van than he does with me (four guys in a van are never terribly concerned about hygiene. Yuck.), and that he's always neglected certain basics that everyday working schmoes like me take for granted (the aforementioned bedroom slippers, clothes that aren't totally threadbare). But, those are things I figure I could live with.

Breakup Girl, I just don't know what to do. I can't imagine living without him, but I also can't imagine missing out on the things that I really want in this world because he was unable to say "ENOUGH" and settle down. Likewise, I don't want to push him into something he's not ready for. But, the flipside is us ending our relationship. What do I do????

--Chris

Dear Chris,

First of all, tell your gynecologist that you can count very well on your own, thanks.

And speaking of counting,well, seems to me you guys are going to have to start doing some higher math. Unlike many money issues, my sense of yours is that much of it is actually, mirabile dictu, About the Money. So let's talk about the money. You're going to have to think outside the box here: as in outside that cigar box under the mattress where you keep your savings. Talk to a financial planner. Yes, even couples with a $7000/year ramenwinner are "allowed" to. Find out: what mutual funds let you start with a $100 minimum (they're there, I promise). Learn about how if you start saving a teeny bit now you'll earn a lot more than if you start saving more later. What other tricks are up an expert's financial sleeve? I don't know, but I do know that there are sideways ways out of this rut that you may not have thought of. And if you like, try reading Suze Orman's new book,The Courage to Be Rich: she talks about how you can't handle your money issues until you face your Money Issues.

I don't mean for this advice to sound merely flip, shallow, practical. But I do think that taking on handling the money thing, for real, will tease out whatever other issues/differences (the biological clock, the biodiversity of his van, etc.) might be lurking underneath. Which in turn will help you with the money thing. Or not. But then you'll have a much clearer sense of whether to buy or sell. And, either way, new slippers.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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