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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I had a horrible relationship. At first, we were friends, and spent much time together. We go to a small school together, so we had a small group of people, everybody knows everybody else, et cetera. I really dug Doug. About eight months after being friends, he asked to move the relationship to a higher rung, we both liked each other a li'l too much to just be bowling partners.

After a lot of hesitation (this was my first relationship, I'm a "larger" kinda gal, Doug weighs 150 lbs. and I always wanted to date a guy who weighed more than me, I was unaware of my sexual appeal to him, etc.) I said yes. And we had a *great* time together. We're from different social tastes. Doug is from a neighboring town, so he hasn't left home really yet, and he has a friendship with a guy named Jeff, who really sets the standard of what is cool. They have a real little brother/older brother relationship, what Jeff does first, Doug does second. I knew that going into the 'ship that Doug and Jeff are total "party boyz" and because I was into doing homework, I put no pressure on him to be with me. And it worked. We did different things but always ended up at the end of the night with each other. Cool. So it worked out, even through summer vacations!

Last spring semester ('98) I moved off campus with a group of girls I didn't know all that well, but they were friends of Doug's, so I trusted his good judgment that it would work. One of them used to date him many semesters ago, but it was no problem. But it sucked. They were really mean girls, I couldn't be with them a lot, etc. I dunno. With all the stress of living with these girls, trying to talk to Doug about it became a problem. He would accuse me of being intolerant--they were good people, etc. I becamse depressed with school, many of my friends left that semester to study abroad and besides a few others, Doug and I were essentially in the same boat. Jeff was still around (I should mention that we're really good friends). But I was unhappy. I think that temporary loss of self really bothered Doug. In the beginning of our relationship I made it clear to him that I wasn't reliant upon him, and Vic responded to that very well--he's kind of a little kid still. Although he's 21 he runs around a lot, is very irresponsible at times, breaks other people's things and just laughs at their anger. But he really responds to what he thinks people want him to be--a funny hooligan type But I know now that I was unhappy, I take responsibility for it.

One night, Doug just blew up on me and told me he didn't love me anymore and didn't want to see me, because he knew that "after a while, you'll just start looking good to me." I was grief-stricken with the loss. He was my best friend, confidant...I wished he could have told me about the problems and made me realize my own unhappiness rather than simply end it. A week after complete silence between us, he called and said that he still loved me, wished he hadn't done it in the first place, panicked, almost started crying. But he didn't want to be back together, but didn't want to be fully apart. He "just needed time to think." I granted him that, but knew if I begged for his return he'd run away farther. But I *did* tell him that I couldn't just go back to being his friend and that was impossible. I don't think he planned for that to happen--he wanted to break up and still do the things we used to do together before the romance came. But the truth was, we both really wanted each other when we were friends. What did he think was going to happen? The same thing that happened during the "first" friendship.

So it was awful. My roommates were a horrible source of advice and support (they did the "you're so much better than him" speech, but then they'd go hang out with him, invite him over to hang out, etc.), my family pulled me through. But things happened which set back the healing process. Doug and I talked one night where I told him I would wait for him and understanded his need for space. The he came over and we ended up in bed together. I had never been in this kind of deal, so I thought that was his way of saying he still wanted to be with me, this was the beginning of something good, etc. The next day when he resumed his "ignore Jessica" stance I (non-angrily) confronted him. He said:

"You didn't think I wanted to get back together with you, did you?"

OK, here's where the awful begins. I want to make it clear to you that never once have I yelled at Doug or sought to break his kneecaps. That isn't what I wanted to do--I still loved him very much and wanted nothing more than to be with him, so I tried to show him that I was still here for him. But I didn't want to get walked on. The ignorance on my part. Two more "hookups" ensued, in my desperation to be with him. The 2nd time I asked him as he was trying to pry my clothes off if he still loved me. He told me he equated love with commitment, he didn't love me "right now"--the most UNcharacteristic things for Doug to say. I got so many conflicting things from him. He "loved me too much," wanted to marry me--then I'm like an anchor to him in a pool of muck. He then said:

(Second abominable thing)

"You're not going to seduce me into coming back to you."

He then continued the makeout, but then suggested I was a) crazy and b) I should leave, because I was laying on his bed half naked and about to cry (for the 1000th time since he dumped me). He wrote to my sister saying that his decision was "ambivalent." Jeez, ya think??

Then my roommate (not the one who dated him) Emily stopped coming home, and had a *huge* number of hickeys on her neck. I casually asked her where she got them. Lemme just say that Emily was the biggest giggler in the world. Kind of weird avoider of reality, she laughed constantly, nervously and at anything. She giggled, and my other roommates in the room looked at me and said "We can't tell you where she got them."

I should have known, BG. They had an intense hookup period of like 2 weeks. Jeff did it a year before with a senior, and Emily (who was graduating in a few weeks) wanted to do something kool before she left town (I think). Also, she and Doug would sit and talk together when he would come over (particularly one night, when Doug came to a party @ our house, against my kind request that he not come because I was still hurting and felt violated with him being there). Attraction? Yes, but I don't think he cheated on me. He was really devoted to me, as I to him.

It all came to one night when he was around and acting very weird to me--preoccupied with what I was doing, concerned for my ailing car, etc. Then he'd disappear into Emily's room (with a closed door) for a half-hour. then come out, do the same thing. It was getting weird. When he and Emily were in her room, I finally confronted my other roommates.

"Are they hooking up?"

"Yes, they have a special relationship. But he cares about you SO much. We talked for an hour today about how much he cares about you."

"Then why is up in Emily's room with her right now?"

Dead silence.

I got in my car with the random things I grabbed (my toothbrush, winter coat--in May) and left town. As I backed out of the driveway, he and Emily (who had heard me crying in my room as I called my sister in Chicago to tell her I was coming) were hiding behind my roomate's car, parked across the street. I went home to another state for 10 days. It was horrible.

No one called, except one of the roommates, to tell me to get my stuff out of the house by the end of the month. Cool, eh?? When I returned, Emily was gone (thank God) and no one said a word about it, like it never happened. Doug came around to help move some of the roomies out. He looked at me and in true Doug "oblivious" fashion, said "Did you have good time at home? How's your Mom?"

I moved to another city for my summer job. He never called or wrote. The roomie who used to date him moved there too and would call to talk. She'd mention Doug every conversation. One day, we met at a park. She said "Yeah, I just dropped Doug off at the station. he came to visit me this weekend." Were they hitting it?? I doubt it, honestly. He had a few friends, maybe he came to visit Kris in the hopes of seeing me. Who knows. I cried a lot, thought a lot, talked a lot. I missed him badly. But I had to realize that all this abuse was who he was now. He wanted to hurt me. Doug saw my sister one time and told her it was ok to be with Emily because he's known her longer than me. He hoped he would fall in love with a German exchange student this summer. He said some disparaging things about me.

Fast Forward (I know this is long--please accept my apologies). When school started (our senior year) he acted as if nothing had happened. We never talked about it. I tried to be his friend, but he would do awful, mean things--he'd start talking about his sex life to me (I should also mention we were really close but didn't introduce sex into the mix--he lost his "v" to Emily, days after Jeff lost his to another girl he was dating), or Doug would get up and leave as I was in midsentence. Since the school year began, he has been with seven girls--foreign exchange students who spoke little English and were probably taken advantage of, and most importantly, two freshman women. Right now, he has been dating a freshman for about a month. She's 18 and he's 21.

I feel really humiliated, BG. He got away with all this. He was able to use me when he wanted to, have many flings with random women, and now he finally gets to date a girl (who despite the things she has heard about him--gossip is precise around here--still dates him). I don't like to go out anymore because I fear seeing them nuzzling in a corner somewhere. I wasn't good enough for him or something. And I really like myself!

I think I'm deserving of someone--it just kills me that he gets to do all this and run laughing from me. It's been a year since that night I had to sleep on my couch because he went to sleep (in my bed) after he dumped me (in my room).

This town has a huge number of women (2/3) and boyz truly get their pick here. I rarely see Doug socially and I wonder if it's because he spends all his ttime with her, they're falling in love, he thinks I'm a huge moron, etc.

We're graduting a few weeks from now and I want to enjoy going out with my friends (we run in the same circles--this place is small). Many of my friends have been supportive--many of them didn't like him anyway, so it wasn't painful to not be friends with him--but I wish I could tell him how painful all this (STILL) is for me.

In a class we have together, we keep dream journals. I happened to see the first page of his--it said, "I've been dreaming a lot about Jessica lately." Yikes, I was so happy that he remembered me. I just feel that he thinks I'm a fool, a b*tch, whatever. I catch him staring at me a lot. But we ignore each other. I haven't spoken to him in months yet we see each other daily. But he has this new girl, and it HURTS to see her, to see him. I hate crying, I hate being sad, I want to get away from him so I can move on (after graduating, I hate talking about him to my friends) (who have heard too much sadness already) and I want him to know how I feel. I'm sad that I'm probably going to have to do this on my own. He'd never come talk to me, I know that.

What do you think of all this blather?? I value your advice.

-- J

Dear J,

You know, one time Chris@breakupgirl.net once told me that for a split second, he thought he'd gotten a dog; "But then," he admitted, "I remembered that that was something that happened on The Real World."

Oh, sweetie, I wish you could tell me that all this had happened, recorded/goaded on camera, to seven former strangers in Casa Ikea in some semi-hip city, and that you'd just been watching a little too much MTV during spring break.

No, huh? This was REALreal? Okay, huge eeeeeuuuuwww. I'll bet you feel humiliated. All of these people/hijinks are appalling, and they deserve to be strapped to chairs with their eyelids pinned open watching "Orgazmo" over and over.

But Jessica -- this is not a rhetorical/badgering/sarcastic/obnoxious/finger-wagging/Dr. Laura question -- why did you allow all this to continue? I mean really, why? You keep trying to tell me how non-angry you were, but it seems to me that anger might have been in order. I'm not talking about indiscriminate hissy fits that serve no one; I'm talking about a certain degree of self-respecting indignance. There is some indignance here, but it's misplaced: of course he didn't write/call; of course the hickey harpies acted like nothing had happened, etc. Did anyone have a track record that might have suggested otherwise? Why didn't you call anyone on anything?

Again, I so don't mean to badger; I just want to know. I'll bet you do, too. Are you terrified that these people won't like you if you speak/stand up for yourself? If that's so, then I'd submit that: your current m.o. hasn't exactly made them loyal friends, either. Are you grasping at the Doug dregs -- half-naked if need be -- terrified that you'll never get anyone else like him? If so, I'd submit that: well, Amen. But you see what I mean.

Look, you're not a freak loser dork for not facing these folks down. No one likes conflict; no one likes calling anyone on anything (except maybe your opposite: the people who get all persecuted -- and vocally so -- at the slightest non-provocation. Opposite extremes of the same thing). And of course you feel sad, humiliated, lonely. I hate hearing that. But I am telling telling telling you -- not in corny "aw, it's late" advice mode, but for real -- that you can do better. That is, IF you think about the "whys" I've posed here. Promise me you'll think about it, a bit more in depth than a "Real World" confessional? That, punkin, is required before you graduate. 'Cause yeah -- from what you've told me -- you are so much better than Doug. And I am not about to go hang out with him.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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