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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm asking you this question because if I keep discussing it with my friends and family they will only tell me what I want to hear. I live with my boyfriend whom I've been on/off with for now for about 6 years. We have a son together. Now he owns the house we live in but his family lives there too. I like his family; I have nothing against them. Now, I could deal with the usual (they're always there) kinda stuff. But something is bothering me and I don't know how I can tell him without making him feel as though I don't appreciate how much our relationship grew (the fact that we are living together) but the quarter of the house we live in is becoming too bothersome. I like it, it's beautiful, but I don't really feel like it's our house. I mean I can't discuss the landscaping, change of color of the house; I mean, the usual stuff any woman would want to do to a house. I don't know how to even bring up the fact that his mom (who lives there) instigates a lot of times, and since his job requires him to travel a lot he's not always there, so he never sees the treatment I get, or don't get. I love him, I can't see myself without him, but I sincerely feel that if I ever brought this to his attention he won't take it well at all. I mean he's the one paying the whole house and all the bills. I live there and work and take take of my things. I don't know what's my place anymore. He mentioned that we will eventually need to either stay with the whole house or another one, but I think he just throws that out there, to make me feel like all this is temporary, I see it like it's gonna be forever because he's not around long enough to get annoyed like me. Any suggestions, I'd appreciate it. We have a great loving, intimate relationship. Although I feel he can come to me with anything, I don't feel that secure with going to him with this. I feel that the day it does come out, I have to prepare myself to live somewhere else. Thanks for listening.

-- Lisa

Dear Lisa,

My sense is this: if your story were a novel or play, and we were reading it in English class, the house would represent your feeling of impermanence, of lack of -- in the spiritual, Self sense -- ownership. We would have highlighted the symbolism/double entendre in the sentence "I don't know what's my place anymore." Your relationship exists in this space where you can't paint things your color; you can't wiggle your toes into carpets you've chosen. You're a renter. The housing arrangement's not the problem per se; it's that somehow you don't feel that you actually live in this relationship. That you're a guest. And if you're not a good guest, you'll be asked to leave.

Which makes sense: you've been "on/off" with this guy for six years; you have a son with him even though you never signed the deed that "legitimizes" parenthood, he's gone all the time -- and you live with this guy's parents. Of course -- even though you say you've got a great thing going -- you don't feel secure going to him with "this."

But Lisa, "this" is It. It's not an silly little detail in your relationship; it's not fine-print legalese. It's everything. Never mind the mom (I'm not clear on what exactly the problem is there, anyway); never mind the linoleum -- please find the courage to explore with your boyfriend the landscape of your partnership, the color of your feelings. The big picture. You may not have to move out, but you do need to renegotiate your lease on love.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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