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Dear Breakup Girl,

Maybe you, as a certified (are you certified?) superhero, can help me resolve what seems like an unresolvable dilemma...I am a 24-year-old woman who is just about to go back for the final semester of her college degree. I started at a prestigious but soul-munching college, then ended up transferring to the VERY mediocre and intellectually dead university I'll be graduating from. (I didn't realize quite how second-rate it was at the time I transferred.) So it's been seven years since I started school, during which time I've dealt with severe depression, poverty, homelessness, unemployment, and mostly a deep lack of self-esteem based on my inability to decide What I Want to Do With My Life. I would gladly give up nearly everything I have (which admittedly isn't all that much) for a sense of vocation and drive. But it looks as if I'm just going to end up sending out 300 resumes to various publishing houses and hoping someone will hire me.

I hate this about myself.

Some people hate their looks, others their shyness, I loathe and cringe/cry when I think of the fact that after all this time of consideration, I still can't find a career to define myself by. I have near-worshipful admiration and awe towards people who knew they wanted to be professors or writers or doctors since they were twelve and have zealously pursued this goal. I tend to fall for them, too.

Anyway, after this summer, I'll finally have a degree. This is sad, in one sense, because it means the end of any more dreams of going back to a "real" school. But at least I can finally get a job that pays more than seven dollars an hour... and possibly meet some interesting people.

The Catch-22 I am struggling with is this whole idea that "you have to love yourself before someone else will." My life is such a mess. I am trying hard to turn it around, but it's going to take a while. Mostly, I just feel exhausted. It would be so wonderful to just have someone to make me dinner once in a while. Run a bath. Say sweet comforting syllables. The problem is that who I'm interested in are intellectuals. Grad students. Smart folks. And I, underemployed dilettante that I am, am no longer granted admission to those particular social circles. (I applied to graduate school last year; didn't get in. Had I been writing a truthful essay, it would have read something like, "I want to go to grad school, in part to study anthropology, but mostly so that I can have intelligent conversations again. I miss them desperately." I've tried to be less of a snob, and yes, out of sheer loneliness, I've stumbled into bed with "the guy in the bar." I always felt guilty, though, since I could never really take those men seriously. Not that I didn't respect or like them, (I wouldn't sleep with someone I didn't like) I just can't imagine being in a Serious Relationship with someone who doesn't read real books. I know I sound like a snob, but I've honestly tried dating the Nice Normal Guy, and it just doesn't work.

So this is the situation: It's going to be at least a year, probably more, before I feel I can hold my head up in any sort of intellectual circle. My life right now is pretty painful and lonely and hard. My parents have never been supportive, (either emotionally or financially). I have good friends, but most of them live in other states or countries. And I would really, really, really, really like someone to be affectionate and reassuring towards me and hold my hand through the scariest parts. I've never had a "real" long-term relationship; the closest I've come was a three-year on-again, off-again thing (mostly off) with a guy who, while he was a wonderful person and never looked down on me for my indecisiveness, had a very hard time being verbally affectionate or paying me compliments.

Should I just accept the fact that I'll be single until/unless I find a job where I meet cool people?

Please don't tell me to go hang out at book signings or that sort of thing -- frankly, when I have to answer "So I'm writing my dissertation on Joyce. What do you do?" with "I work as a secretary for a mortgage company," well...

By the way, the consensus from guys I've dated is that I'm witty, interesting, supportive, insightful, and highly entertaining, but also confusing, frustrating, and WAY high-maintenance. So I guess the question is, do I have any hope of meeting someone who wants to take on such a mess, or do I not get a boyfriend until I Learn to Love Myself?

-- Dateless Dilettante

Dear Dateless,

Okay, I won't tell you to go book signings (unless you click here), but, um, is that the only place where people ask you what you do? Even if you met someone, God forbid, on the street, you would still feel sheepish about "secretary."

See, DD, you have painted yourself into a far corner of the library stacks. I understand that there have been some very serious problems and hurdles in your past, not to mention a few big yucks right now. And it SUCKS that you didn't get into the grad school of your choice this time around. But right now, you are actually more of a grad student than you think. The "perpetual student" kind. The starving kind, even. The kind who set themselves up with problems they have no intention of solving anytime soon, 'cause then they'd have to, God forbid, write the damn dissertation.

Believe me, I know how nice it would be to have some of those things that you crave. And I know you're terribly, terribly tired. But why are you settling? I'm talking about jobs, not men. At the same time, give yourself a break: "after all this time of consideration..." You were, like, homeless for a while. Hardly an opportunity for serene "who am I?"s.

Also, those people who "knew?" Yes, some did. But in some cases, um, their parents "knew." In some cases, they knew they were good at teaching/writing/docting, which is different from loving it. Anyway, I don't know what your Self-defining career is (or even if -- if that letter was truthful -- you "should" be going to grad school in the first place), but I have a hunch that whatever it is, you may already have talked yourself out of it. Brainy academic job? Nah, can't hold head up in intellectual circle. Party planner? Nah, not intellectual enough. See?

Same thing about men. Well, first of all I love that you think it's a problem that you fall for the intellectuals, not to mention, God forbid, the driven/directed ones. Compared to people who are like, "Breakup Girl, the only people I go for are old-lady swindlers and big-game poachers," it's not a bad start. But grad school is not the only place to meet smart people, so don't "Oh, well" me on that one. What about, gulp, all those "okay, okay, we're smart!" singlesy groups and events? Where you go to museums and stuff? Also, the people here and here, for example, except the ones who do not spell-check, are no dummies.

Yes, yes, there is this Love Myself First thing. Yes. But you're all tangled up in some sort of tautology mobius-strip Avogadro's number something-or-other thingamajig, where you can't meet cool people until you have a cool job, but certain cool people would sure be nice to have around to support you in the cool-job search ... you can't better yourself until you feel better about yourself, but you can't do that without having bettered yourself ... need experience to get the job, can't get experience without job, etc. Pick either the chicken, or the egg, and start that, Dilettante. Whatever it is, start saying yes I will Yes.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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