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Hey, Breakup Girl,

Any words of wisdom for a Desperate Dilemma Diva? I really hope so! Actually, this shouldn't even be my problem, but I'm caught up in it anyway.

Where to start? My supervisor and I work closely with a couple of people from an organisation which is by far our biggest client. One of those people went out of her way to befriend me, which at the time I really appreciated. Then I discovered that for a year or so now she has been having an affair with my supervisor. She tells me all about it, even though I have said repeatedly I don't want to know. He tells me stuff too, though not nearly as much. The problem is, she's a looney, and he's a sleaze.

For ease of reference, let's call them Kimberley and Michael. (I fear that makes me Matt.) Michael has told Kimberley (yes, she confirms it) that as he has just come out of a messy divorce he is not looking for anything serious. She tells him that's fine, although he knows it isn't, and she has confessed to me and anyone else who will listen that she's waiting for him to realise she's the One. She is a standing joke in her own office (to make things even messier, my sister works for her) and in ours. Kimberley pesters anyone who's ever met Michael for gossip about him. She tells everyone how fabulous the sex is, how wonderful he is and how much she loves him; how gorgeous he is and how she can't understand how anyone so fabulous would choose her.

The answer to that, of course, is that Michael works on the basis that if you hit on every woman you meet, one or two might say yes. In the last six months he has hit on our office manager (strike), intern (strike), librarian (foul ball), senior clerk (several strikes), one of Kimberley's colleagues (strike), his physio (hit), and a friend someone brought to Friday drinks (strike). Those are just the ones I know about. Michael plays the "relationship" with Kimberley very cool and freely admits that he sees other women, was actually living with another woman for several months last year (he would ring Kimberley, ask her to call him back and then let the other girlfriend answer the phone), and is shortly going on holiday with someone else. Still, Kimberley cannot face reality. She constantly looks for reassurance, which I can't and won't give her. I've risked my position as Michael's flunkey to the extent of telling her, several times and with examples, he is a sleaze and she should dump him. So have others. She has two sons who hate him. She knows he is sleeping around but she won't use condoms because "that would look as if I don't trust him." EXCUSE me?? She has even got a tattoo now representing his nickname for her "to remind her of the relationship" (as my sister wittily said: pointless and painful, not to mention the risk of infection).

OK, time for me to move on from this friendship. I used to spend hours with this woman trying to boost her self-esteem and explaining why she was far too fabulous to put up with this crap. After months of this, I am beginning to understand what people say -- you have to have some self-respect before you can expect it from others. She can't even fake a bit of pride and I am starting to really despise her for it. In some ways it has been a very good object lesson for me in my own relationships. If this were an ordinary friendship, I could walk away, or at least create some distance. But this woman is a client, and because my supervisor has some professional ethics at least, I do all her work. In fact she praises both Michael and me to the skies and complains bitterly if anyone else is assigned to do her work. (As no one else thinks that highly of Michael's work, that's probably not so flattering). I can't avoid her, and I can't dismiss her, and my sister is in a similar bind. I fear this will end really badly, and they'll be the only people surprised -- Kimberley because she's obsessed, and Michael because he told her it wasn't serious. And I'll lose a fascinating, well-paid job in a very specialised area with very few vacancies. Breakup Girl, please save me! I've a hideous messy life of my own I haven't even had a chance to angst about yet!

-- Hedgehog

Dear Hedgehog,

Pointless question: Why hasn't Melrose, Inc. fired either of these people?!

Pointless point: You all get that this is, in all ways, the opposite of how to conduct an office romance, right? (Also, sex.)

Hedgehog/Matt, you simply must tell Kimberley -- before she blows something up -- that while you've let it happen in the past, and while you "value her friendship," yadda yadda, you're afraid you need to put an absolute professional moratorium on all conversations about Michael. All. It has become a professional issue for you, you say, and you're afraid that has to come first. To spare yourself from having to wearily re-insist, take a little reminder sign that you can point to if necessary. And that goes for him too, about Kimberley (though I wouldn't really want to hear him go on about himself, either). This really, really has to happen. Continue to work hard and well; do not participate in office japery; learn to type with your toes if that's what it takes to your hands over your ears.

And now tell me (not them) about your own angst, okay? I mean, besides that little car crash situation.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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