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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a -- well, an odd situation. I've been in a trio (not couple) relationship for the last three years, and we're happy together. I mean, you know, things-happen- but-we-deal- with-it-together happy; I don't mean to say our lives are perfect. We three work well together, and both of us guys are in love with the same woman, as well as being great friends to each other. So -- we figure it's 'til death us do part, odd as a trio may seem to most people, and we've made that commitment to each other. We are looking forward to outnumbering our children, an advantage denied most parents.

So, if it's 'til death us do part, why am I writing you? This friend of mine, who saw how our relationship works for us, was starting to have a serious crush on both members of a couple who had been flirting with her. She decided that she was ready to try the multiple-partner thing too, and, well, to make a long story short, she got involved with a couple who was looking for a "fling." Unfortunately, they saw her more as a "hot-bi-babe" than as a human being and were looking to fulfill a fantasy rather than have a serious relationship. She had MUCH higher expectations for the relationship than they did, and, well, she got her heart broken. Argh. I was totally upfront that a relationship with more than two people takes more work and more, well, courage to be straightforward than a pairing, and I advised her against getting involved with the particular people she got involved with, but well, you know how that kind of advice works... sigh.

She feels like she can't talk to anybody else about it because it wasn't a "normal" by-the-rules relationship, and she doesn't figure anyone else will understand. She's been bending my ear about it for about three months now. I truly do feel for her. One of the things I've always valued about our friendship is that we can talk about absolutely anything, and, well, I don't want to betray that trust at this point. But I'm starting to have three issues here; first, I'm thinking that three months of heartache is a bit of a long time for a relationship that lasted barely six months to start with. She has gotten over pair relationships before, a lot faster and more cleanly. Second, just recently, I've started to get a very ugly impression that she resents my relationship working when hers didn't. And third, I think she's blaming me for her being unhappy.

And in the middle of the deep dark night, sometimes I'm afraid she may be right. Multiple partners doesn't work for most people. It works for us, and well, she thought it might work for her, but it didn't, at least on the first try, and it probably wouldn't have for most people. So. I have guilt for showing her something she couldn't have, and then I think about hiding my situation from people, to avoid "freaking out the normals" as well as situations like this, and then I rage at myself for even thinking about going back into the closet about my life and relationships. And then the phone rings, and it's her, halfway through a hotdog (don't ask) and a box of Kleenex, blubbering about how beautiful it all was when it was working and how awful her life is now and what evil people they were and how "lucky" I am and...

I want to keep this person as a friend. She's refusing all suggestions to get involved with any activities or social gatherings. I'm starting to think that listening to her isn't helping any more (or is that just my selfish side wanting the listening on the phone to be over?). She's never been a "drama queen" in the past; this kind of not- moving-on is new behavior for her, and it's got me worried.

Should I hold out for another month? Two? Is there something obvious I'm missing? How can I get my friend back? I'm starting to not like the person she's become.

--Tired of it in San Francisco

Dear Tired of it in SF,

Well! It's always nice to hear about someone whose life is way more interesting than the movies.

In any case, I can see why a three-ject might hurt worse. It's like getting dumped by committee. (Six months is a long time, but figure you've got to tack on an extra, say, 33% to Normal Healing Time.)

So I can see why you feel like she blames and resents you. Why?

First, because she probably does. Because this is her brain on breakups. When something -- particularly, perhaps, a relationship -- goes wrong, better ("better") to blame parties (second-, third-, fourth-, Republican-, etc.) other than oneself. You are the cute ... er, threesome in the park. You have what she wanted. You got it "right" when she couldn't. She hates that. Breakup-fair enough.

Second, because you'd probably manage to feel guilty all by yourself. Look, even someone generous enough to share a partner refracts life through a prism called Me. The Basque terrorists end their ceasefire; we think: "Oh, if only I'd called my great aunt on Thanksgiving -- I bet I could have helped, somehow!" So of course you feel some degree of responsibility, even if just by living (counter-) example. Especially because you seem to be, at least at times, as self-conscious as you are self-aware. You are on the defensive. You know you have and hold something both sharp-edged and delicate; you are fearful of dropping it into the wrong hands. Also, you don't want threesomes to get bad press.

But I promise, Tired, what happened is Not. Your. Fault. Not your lifestyle's fault, either. You said it yourself: you were up front about all the weird work this kind of thing would take. Heck, you even advised her not to go through with it. Her joining a couple was a one-person decision. Her fourth partner here was: Informed Consent. Really. You did your best.

Which also means: don't "rage" at yourself for anything. Any difficult/challenging lifestyle is going to run up against ... difficulties and challenges. This is one of them. Of course, every once in a while, you think twice about the threesomething. Give yourself a break.

And give yourself a new approach with her. My sense is that you're letting her walk all over you while you walk on eggshells. Dutifully, guilt-expiatingly, "listening" (and "inviting") ... instead of up and intervening. Well, it's time to ramp it up. Ask her why, indeed, is this one (are these two) different? How awful is her life? Which elements of the all-importantest threesome -- love, friends, work -- is she not nurturing? Asking The Big Questions -- regardless of whether or how she answers them -- might help jack her out of the rut she's spun her third wheel into.

Even more important: tell her, as her friend, that things are kind of one-sided between you now; that you want her two-way friendship back. Tell her you miss her. Tell her you think of her as more than a "hot-bi-babe." Tell her you are looking to fulfill a serious relationship. Tell her you will be there for her, but that she's got to start meeting you at least a third of the way there.

Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. "Outnumbering" your kids? Hm. I assume you all will find some sort of "Heather has Three Parents" counseling or shared-experience group, yes?

P.P.S. A hotdog? Okay, sorry.

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