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Dear Breakup Girl,

Get ready to scold me, big time: I'm back on the subject of "Ben." Now, please keep in mind that I tried to be smart. I did strongly consider your advice to find a sublet and get out, but I didn't want to have to explain to Ben why I was moving out. That wouldn't fall under the category of a "friendship-saving sublet," as you put it. So I decided to keep as much emotional (and physical) distance as possible from his relationship with Polly. Since she was almost never over anyway, it wasn't a problem. The only problem was dealing with Ben's moodiness, since their relationship was never smooth.

A month ago, I went home to Boston for the weekend. The night I got back, Ben had news: he'd broken up with Polly. I doubted at first that the breakup would last, but it has. Bonus for Ben, really. And he knows it. He's done himself a very big favor by moving on. He's still healing, but in a very healthy way. And he's much easier to live with because he's not so angry all the time.

Okay, okay, time to get to the point: My feelings for him came back with a vengeance; I'm now resolved that he's The One. I can't say that I really believe in destiny, BG, but I've met a lot of men, and no one has ever come close to matching me as well as Ben. He's smart, funny, caring, extremely attractive, and a pain in the tuckus when necessary. Exactly what I want and need in a partner.

He's also in post-relationship limbo. Since breaking up with Polly, he's been interested in a couple of other women, most notably "Jane," who spent a lot of time with him last year, but nothing happened between them because of Polly. Jane is also a good friend and classmate of mine, but I've told Ben firmly that I can't advise with respect to her. This is not only because of my feelings for him; I also just really don't know how Jane feels about Ben and wouldn't want to mislead him either way. (Side note: I honestly don't think Ben knows how I feel about him. If he did, he wouldn't be telling me all about his interests in other women. He's just not cruel enough. Trust me.)

Meanwhile, my friendship with Ben has been getting ... interesting. Most specifically, we've been wrestling a lot recently, usually over an object like a throw pillow or football. He insists that I always start it, but I know that's not true. In any case, he was much less contact-friendly with me, even a couple of weeks ago.

It's sort of the little- (uh, big-) sister syndrome, with some added tension. This has always been a problem for me, because I often enjoy crass humor, like playing football and lifting weights, and don't mind when male friends (even if I'm interested) notice other attractive women. In other words, I can easily fit in as "one of the guys."

So here's the deal: I honestly believe that there is at least an even chance that our wrestling and buddy-ness can lead somewhere. Eventually. When he's ready. In a sense, I've found the man I want and am waiting for him to find me. And although I need to back off and let him find his own path (whatever it is, toward me or not), I'm not against giving him a little push when I think the moment is right. And not just away from the football (in fact, I'm planning to give the wrestling a rest).

Please understand that I'm a reasonably intelligent person who wouldn't be in this situation without a darn good reason. My mother immediately decided Ben is my "match," just from my descriptions of his personality -- even when I assured her we are just friends. But as Bob Marley put it, "I don't want to wait in vain for [his] love." Your advice is always appreciated.

--Optimist

Dear Optimist,

Wrestling, huh? As you are beginning to understand, this admittedly fun sublimation -- while excellent exercise -- is not necessarily heart-healthy. Shoutout to all members of this faux-flirting federation: please, at some point, show your love by giving, oh, flowers. Not wedgies.

As for you, Optimist, sounds like your mind is (a) made up, and (b) not unsound. Now that the Polly Count is 0, if you wanna wait, I'm not gonna stop you. But while you've already anticipated a few snags, let me just pipe up with a couple more.

1. Brimming over with optimism though you and your mother may be, don't be surprised if -- even when you think "the moment is right" -- you call your own timeout. As trying as all this has been, it's easier to circle, bouncing on tiptoe, with out-of-reach Ben, than to actually go to the mats with the real one. Give yourself time, too.

2. If something does indeed HAPPENhappen, be prepared -- backwards as it sounds -- for one of you to move out. For a spell. LIVINGTOGETHERlivingtogether may be too much, too soon. Wrestle with one thing at a time.

Good luck. I'm optimistic that you'll keep us posted. Oh, and by the way: you don't have to be "one of the guys" in order to play.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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