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by Pauline O'Connor

7:00 PM

"60 Minutes" (CBS)
Death, taxes, "60 Minutes" -- unlike love, some things ARE reliable. Now in its 4,000th season, "60 Minutes" makes the "90210" gang look young.

"World's Funniest Home Videos" (Fox)
In honor of V-Day, WFHV features wacky wedding mishaps: fainting, falling, bouquet blunders, etc. Now aren't you glad you're single?


Okay, next show.

"Cinderella" (ABC)
Disney's version of the classic fairytale features diva-in-training Brandy as Cinderella and Bobby Brown doormat Whitney Houston as her fairy godmother. Word is there's no love lost between the two songstresses; tune in to see if the strain shows through their bibitty-bobbity-boo-bright smiles.

"Xena, Warrior Princess" (WB)
Will Xena and her sidekick Gabrielle acknowledge the Love That Dares Not Speak Its Name?

"Ancient Mysteries: The Bigfoot Legend" (A&E)
No matter how good this show is, it will never live up to the Sasquatch episodes of "The Six Million Dollar Man."

8:00 PM

"Touched By An Angel" (CBS)
Skating against type, Olympic gold medalist Tara Lipinski plays an Olympic-contending ice skater, while Melrose Place's Jack Wagner portrays a con man. There's angels and some touching, but probably no rendition of the '80s hit "All I Need."

"The Simpsons" (Fox)
Apu's love poems to his wife show Homer up. Viewer advisory: Professional mourner Elton John guest-voices; possible harbinger of doom

"Singles" (UPN)
This 1992 Bridget Fonda-Matt Dillon-Campbell Scott flick is an homage to the quaint Seattle-grunge-GenX slackerdom bandwagon. Not unwatchable. Especially with that great kiss-me-you-fool line, "I was nowhere near your neighborhood, so I thought I'd drop by."

"This Old House" (PBS)
A man's love affair with his tools goes horribly awry.

Bull Durham (Comedy Central)
Calculating filmmakers' attempt to capture female audience with romance, Susan Sarandon; male audience with baseball, Susan Sarandon naked.

"E! True Hollywood Story" (E!)
E! takes a look at the greatest band of all time -- the Beatles - and the women who loved them. Not ALL the women--that would take weeks--just some of them.

"Sex in the '90s "(MTV)
Tune in if you want to feel like everyone else is younger, thinner, better-looking and dumber than you.

8:30 PM

"That '70s Show" (Fox)
Eric and Donna have their first date on Valentine's Day. Recipe for disaster.

"TV's Most Romantic Couples" (AMC)
Lucy and Ricky, romantic? Please. He wouldn't even let her come to his stupid nightclub! Ernie and Bert have more chemistry, at least according to this memo on my desk from Jerry Fallwell.

9:00 PM

"The X-Files" (Fox)
The episode billed as the "ultimate piece of the puzzle." Trust no one, but trust this: here, you'll be safe from nutty nuptial mishaps and adorable figure skaters.

"Storm of the Century" (ABC)
Tim Daly stars in this three-part miniseries written expressly for television by Mr. Stephen King. Did you know that King threw away the manuscript to his first novel Carrie after it had been rejected one too many times? But his ever-lovin' wife Tabitha fished it out of the trash and secretly sent it out for him herself. Now that's romantic!

"Zoe, Duncan, Jack & Jane" (WB)
Zoe gets miffed at Jane because Jane told Jack about an unopened valentine Zoe made for him. Wisely, Duncan stays out of the brouhaha. Fifth grade, anyone?

"The St. Valentine's Day Massacre" (History Channel)
Or "What Happened In My Fifth Grade Class When I Didn't Get Any Valentines."

Valentine's Marathon (Nickelodeon)
A marathon of romantic episodes from classic sitcoms, including "The Brady Bunch," natch.

10:00 PM

News (check local listings)
With Groundhog Day but a distant memory, it's time for local newscasters to dust off the perennial V-Day human interest story. Interviews with happy, unoriginal couples waiting at the courthouse to get married, disgruntled unsuccessful last-minute rose buyers, et. al.

Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo (Disney Channel)
Touching story of the love between a man and his car.

Everyone Says I Love You (Encore)
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11:00 PM

"Seinfeld" (WB)
George talks his girlfriend into getting a nose job.

"Where Are They Now?" (VH1)
The fevered hunt for Adam Ant, Kim Carnes and Warrant. They're probably at home watching "Where Are They Now?"

"Nancy Kerrigan's One Enchanted Evening" (AMC)
Just in case you didn't get your USRDA of grating skaters from CBS' 8 PM slot.

12:00 Midnight

Unmade Beds (Cinemax)
This quasi-documentary tracks four New Yorkers lookin' for love in all the wrong places. You think your love life's lousy? After watching this film, you'll feel like a regular Warren Beatty (pre-Annette).

Pauline O'Connor is fashion mag babe on the outside, marshmallow on the inside.

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