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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm 39. Yup, almost the big four-zero and still an unreformed geek and nerd. Have had a steady girlfriend for 15 years, but we never got engaged or lived together. She was my first girlfriend; if you do the math you can figure out that I got my first date at 23. No, I'm not that repulsive, but I was painfully shy. I'm still shy, but getting better. By the time I retire, I'll probably be able to chat to people in the queues at the post office...

I like my girlfriend but no longer (for the last five years or so) find myself attracted to her. She's pretty (and still only 33) and has a nice figure, but she just leaves me cold, unless I've had a few too many beers. We have a heck of a lot in common though; she's my "best friend." She is still (as far as I can see) completely in love with me; she can't understand why I've been so cold. I've blamed it (to her) on stress.

Sorry, I lied to her. I've had a few tough patches recently (e.g. new career, parent dying), but nothing I can't handle. But I'd always assumed we'd stay together; after all, we have a lot of fun, more than many people I know. I've seen several friends date, marry, have kids, have affairs, divorce, remarry, and generally have "interesting" times while we've just kept on hanging out and, frankly, behaving like kids together. And if she wants the physical stuff, I'm not that averse to getting a bit tipsy. I like to think I'm good to her; I buy her flowers, little presents, surprise weekends away, etc.

I thought I was stuck happily in my fur-lined rut for ever. Until last week.

A couple of years ago, a new lady started working in my office. She had a long-term live-in partner and was so far out of my league. (I mean, she's gorgeous, outgoing, has a great sense of humor, loads of friends, and is very bright.) I didn't even consider her as a possible romantic interest. In the last year, despite my shyness, I got to know her quite well. I even fantasized about her, but that's as far as it went.

And then, that most cliché of things happened: The Office Holiday Party.

I'd had a couple (literally -- exactly two) alcoholic drinks but was nowhere near tipsy. She had a little (well, maybe a lot) too much to drink. We had a dance. Afterwards, she asked if I wanted to kiss her under the mistletoe. I thought, "Why not?" expecting just a little peck before she went on to dance with someone else. We kissed, and everything in my world changed. POW! Wonderful World of Disney (TM) intro sequence. Like I'd been living in black and white for a decade without noticing and then someone just turned the color back on. She told me she'd wanted to be with me since we first met, but assumed I was not interested in her as she knew I had a long-term girlfriend. I backed off; I told her what I was feeling, but that I was confused. I don't normally have strong emotions; the trekkies I know make Mr. Spock jokes about me. I've never split up with a girlfriend before. I have the emotional experience/intelligence of a shy teenager. At the end of the evening we parted but agreed to meet the next day (when we were both 100% sober) to see what would happen. We met. She says she meant every word. She says she loves me. I think I love her; I certainly can't think about anyone else.

She's on vacation right now, and it's possible that she'll come to her senses while away and put an end to it, but if she doesn't, I'll have to make some very hard decisions. The thought of hurting my girlfriend just breaks me up. I don't know if it's "true love" or just a mad crush that'll burn up in a short while, leaving us/me a wreck.

But I don't know if I can live in black and white again.

--Bob

Dear Bob,

Just a couple Hey, Everyones before I focus on you:

1. The Office Holiday Party. Much like the bus, this is a place where Things just Happen. Not to be underestimated. Remember that next year, or, God help us, at your Office Valentine's Day Party.

2. "S/he's out of my league." You see: maybe, maybe not. Pertinent complication aside, let me just say as a general affirmation: there's hope.

Now, Bob. Of course you felt what you felt under the mistletoe and thereafter. I'm sure Nurse Chapel is, other than being potentially unfaithful, delightful You've been oodgy for a full one-third of a fifteen-year relationship (!); someone fabulous says "kiss me," of course you spend three minutes in the closet. It's not just a "sign" of everything missing in your relationship; it's a taste. Yum. So whether it's crush, or true love, or what, is hard to gauge on its own terms -- and possibly beside the point at this moment.

Because Bob, I was worried about you before we even got to the party. I'd have been worried even if the party'd never happened. "Pretty" and "best friend" make things tenable, yes, but do they make things wonderful? I know that sparks get lost over fifteen years; I know that breaking up after so long is like chronically not returning a call ("Well, I can't call now...!") And I know you're inexperienced in that department, but hey, just because people have done that deed a lot doesn't mean they do it better. Finally, I know that you truly hate to hurt your girlfriend, but think how much she'd hate to know what you said about, "... not that averse to getting tipsy...?" Shudder. Which hurts worse? Settle and fib and subsist and calcify if you like, but it's hardly the bracing thrill that BG wishes for every one of us. I believe -- and I'm glad -- that black and white is truly over for you. But if you really mean it, you've got to pick up that brush. Yes: whether you try to recast your current relationship or start -- tough as it will be -- from a clean canvas, work with colors. As in bold.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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