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Dear Breakup Girl,

I am living with a man (G1) with whom I have little in common. We sort of fell into the living-together thing. We both needed a place to live at the same time, and we were dating. I found this super-cool, but too-expensive-for-me house. And the rest, as they say, is history.

So we were dating. He's a big, gun-toting red neck. I'm a computer geek. He reads "The Fantastic Four." I read Faust. He eats barbecue and drinks beer. I'm a grilled flounder/white wine sort of girl. He listens to country music and drools over the 2000 Dodge pickup. I listen to rock and want nothing more than a good, used Sunbird. You get the picture, I'm sure.

My head tells me to end it. But there are complications. For one, I have two young children who do not see my ex-husband often enough and have taken to calling G1 "Daddy." Also, after over a year of cohabitation, we have considerably combined our bills/debts. And the final (worst) one is that he is an angry man who tends to be abusive, and to be honest, I am scared to provoke him.

Enter major dilemma number 60: Guy 2 (G2). We work together. We had similar childhoods. We get equally excited about the idea that scientists claim they will have human DNA totally mapped by the year 2002. We were both in the Navy. We have similar ideas about child-rearing. We have parallel goals. When I talk about a problem I had at work, he can come up with a solution, because we do the same job.

So now I am wondering if my mind is painting G1 worse in comparison to G2 (or vice versa). I feel crushed again and again every time I even see G2. And G2 doesn't have family in the area, and we have a remarkably good friendship. Often, he needs someone to talk to and gives me a call, just to ground him again, you know? And I love that he can do that. G1 goes bat-poop every time the phone rings now though, and has threatened to have it disconnected. He says that men and women can't just be friends, blah, blah, blah.

Now from my family, I get the advice that G2 is just trying to come between me and G1. I don't believe that. I seek him out just as much as he seeks me.

So...in my idea of a perfect world, I wake up tomorrow and G1 is gone. G2 is not necessarily in his place, but we can talk to each other, hang out, and be friends. But about the complications, I don't know what to do. We've tried to break up before (twice), and we end up just sort of falling back in together. (By the way, each breakup was precipitated by an abusive episode.) So, Great Wondrous One, what should I do?

--Confused

Dear Confused,

The only "...I am scared..." I ever want to hear from someone regarding a partner is "I like him/her so much that I'm scared I'll say something goofy on our date!" "Abusive?" Twice in one letter? Bad. Deal-breaker. Bottom line. Not just "not as good as G2." End of story.

Easy for me to say, yes. I know that sometimes -- hooray for humans and their vicious-circular "reasoning!" -- the crappier the relationship, the tougher the exit ("This time I'll fix it;" "If I'm still here it can't be that bad," etc.). That's where the "complications" lie, really. And yes, there are kids involved here. Still, Confused: They may be saying "Daddy," but when the sentence could very well end "...hit Mommy," the point is moot. If not making things worse. So know that there are kind pros who can help you muster the wherewithal to decide what to do, and to do what it takes -- emotionally or legally / financially / etc. -- to make it stick.

So about what you envision, Confused? That is not a perfect world; that is a possible world. Nothing less than your soul is up for sale here. Please keep it.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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