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Dear Breakup Girl,

I've heard about relationships where women find a "fixer" guy, one that they feel needs help and nurturing. I've also heard that these relationships aren't usually healthy. Well, I just got out of a relationship, and at the time we were together, I didn't see the guy as a "fixer." The idea to try and change him or help him never came to mind. But now that we've had some honest talks and I'm able to put pre- through post-relationship knowledge and understanding (of him) together, I suddenly feel the fixer urge. I feel he needs help in that he has always worked very hard to keep his emotions in check, and by now, he just doesn't feel. Nothing really makes him happy (including me) except his music. During the I-can-tell-this-will-be-over-soon phase of the relationship, I kept asking him to talk to me about anything, and finally (after much b.s.ing to appease me), he said he really didn't have anything to say about me or him or anything. Basically, he doesn't seem to have access to his own emotions anymore. So now that we're apart, I have the sudden urge to raise the battle ax against this emotional chastity belt he's wearing, though what he probably needs is just a good psychiatrist. (Don't we all.) So anyway, two questions:

1) Is this the wrong thing to do? (I'm thinking it is...)
2) If it is, how can I get it out of my head?

The worst part is as soon as I came up with this "solution" (to what problem I don't know), I felt at peace with the breakup. Perhaps because this way I can still be involved with him though I won't be dating him? I dunno...

-- B

Dear B,

Yep, if you were one of "those women," I'd call you a Florence Nightingale in Shining Armor. But since you're talking after the fact, we'll call what you've got the ex-post-fixo urge. You're on the right track about where this urge might come from -- and about the fact that it's not a great idea (even if you don't use the terms "battle ax" and "emotional chastity belt," especially in combination, to his face).

See -- as you report, anyway -- little makes him happy, including you. Okay, ouch. And so now you're feeling like, "Well, if I can't be his happiness, I can at least hold the key to it." Since you've acceepted that things can't be different, you're casting about for a way to make a difference. To drum up some sort of emotional attachment and response from him, even if it's "too late" for Plan A. Home Sweet Home was condemned; could you at least be some sort of Home Sweet Depot docent for him? Tempting, huh? That's pretty much how the reasoning/longing goes. But -- as you know -- it's probably not gonna go that way in real life. What, he's gonna be all, "Oh my goodness you're right! THANK YOU! I owe you my life?!"

So how to get this urge out of your head? I say hey, why try? Your figuring out the "solution" is all you need. I'm not saying your conclusion is "correct;" I'm just saying it might as well be. Often, when ex-post-breakups are still scratching their head "WHY?" and searching desperately for closure -- which they've decided is dependent on the "answer" -- I tell them to make up a reason. Make it up; that's your story about the breakup and what went wrong, and you're sticking to it. It's as good as any, it really is. And it doesn't have to have anything to do with the other person -- they don't need to hear or verify it or anything -- because closure, my fine retro-fixers, is a one-person project. Otherwise, you'd still be in a relationship.

So B? You've already done that. You now "know" -- and get to be "right" about -- what went wrong, why he's missing out on you. You said you already felt "at peace," just thinking about the "solution." So B? Nothing to fix.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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