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Dear Breakup Girl,

After recovering from a brutal betrayal, I feel like I should try and get back in the scene. The thing is, most guys repulse me. Especially the ones that gravitate to me at bars and parties. But, even when a okay guy asks me out, I panic and have severe anxiety about going on a date. I have one tomorrow and will probably be on the verge of vomiting before he comes to get me. I don't have any female friends with this problem. They're all dying to go out on dates. What's my problem?

--Rachel

Dear Rachel,

First of all, just because your friends are "dying to go out on dates" doesn't mean they aren't freaking out beforehand. In fact, a few butterflies are normal, if not recommended. Why, that's how you know you're waiting for a date -- not, say, a trick or treater -- to ring your bell.

And it's also normal, if not recommended, to have past threats evolve into certain protective adaptations. According to our own Belleruth, "You know what the problem is ... that is, you were traumatized by your original betrayal, and this is residual anxiety. It's a survival mechanism thinking it's doing you a favor by signaling danger. Thing is, it would have been great for the odd saber-toothed tiger, but it's a tad over the top for a date."

Best you can do, then, is recognize your anxiety for the tiger-proofing instinct that it is...and then force yourself to go on dates anyway. Sometimes, actually, not fighting something is what makes it take flight. Plus, at this point, I think, you're mostly freaked out about freakout itself. It shall pass, it shall it shall. If you let it. Let it breathe, let it go. And do remind yourself that if you don't LIKElike a particular guy, it doesn't Mean Anything about whether you're "getting better." When the right time/guy comes, you'll both choose the lady.

Love,
Belleruth and BG

 
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