NEXT LETTER >
Dear Breakup Girl,
I have a problem with not wanting to hurt anyone, even at my own expense. I
know I must bite the bullet and break off clean rather than drag/lead on a
relationship after it's gone sour. I become what the girl wants me to be and
when I want to be myself she thinks I'm going psycho when in reality I was just
a facade to her in the first place. I guess I just have to learn to be myself
first and find a girl who likes me for me and not who they want me to be. In a
way I guess I don't really have a question, I just needed to talk. Thanks BG. I
really appreciate your ears.
A Hopless Romantic at Purdue
P.S. I also am a classic case of "nice guys finish last." I don't
drink or smoke (anything) and I'm waiting until I'm married to have sex.
I do have a question after all. All of my relationships have lasted over two
years. I'm now trying to find one that I can be myself in but every woman I
know says does this just before I ask them on a date. They give me a big hug
"You are such a great FRIEND."
Sometimes I'm even told that I'm their best friend. Yet some seem to
flirt with me anyway, but when I ask them on a date they are always busy. I
have 100s of great female friends and not a single romantic one. Minus one
clinging vine that I have to cut loose. We broke up four months ago and she
still thinks we are going to get married. (I feel like Wayne in "Wayne's
World" with Stacey.) My question is this. If a girl says "You are
such a great friend," should I give up on a romantic relationship or do
women just get kicks out of confusing men? Thanks again.
Dear Hopeless Romantic,
No, thank YOU. You -- along with your brethren all
over the world who share this same waking nightmare -- have provided me with
one of the best articulations I've ever seen of what is thus this week's theme:
The Curse of the Friend-Boy.
First of all, OUCH. They hug you too?
Yeesh. That adds insult to intimacy. Who knew niceness could be so
Second of all, I am still laughing about that Wayne's
World reference. Oh, no! Does she at least look like Lara Flynn Boyle? When
she's carrying a gun rack, maybe?
And finally, Purdue -- and all you Friend-Boys out
there -- here are the definitive answers to all your questions. I admit I'm
going to quote myself a little bit here, because I've addressed this issue
occasionally (see, for example, Broken Heart
Bob)-- but why reinvent the spiel?
So listen up. (I know you're all great listeners.)
Key concept: The opposite of "friend" is
not "jerk." Lots of guys ask me "why women date only
jerks" -- or why, when they try to be a jerk, they still don't get laid.
Come on, you guys: men date jerks too (male and female). It's not necessarily a
gender thing; it's a stupid human trick. It's something we all do when we're
feeling all low-self-esteemish, desperate, or undeserving of anyone warmer than
the Great Santini. (Also, everybody, check your perspective: are all those
"jerks" out there really bad people, or are they just
"jerks" 'cause they got your girl? )
So no, women do not necessarily want to date
jerks. Breakup Girl honestly cannot remember a single time when a friend
said,"Okay, here's the dish. He was twenty minutes late and monosyllabic
except when he insulted my work at the soup kitchen. He blew clove smoke in my
face even though I told him I was allergic, and refused to pay because he
evidently left his wallet in his van, which is also his apartment...
..He will be mine."
So what's the deal?
Friend-Boys, go ahead and be a friend, but don't Be a
Friend. As I told Bob, be nice because you are, not because you're trying to.
It's your character, not a campaign. Bob's problem was that he'd go and build
lofts for women and tinker with their computers and lug heavy furniture ... and
then wonder why they thought of him as more mover than shaker. You guys are
setting yourself up for this stuff!!! And Purdue, you did the Bob thing
right out of the gate. First you told me you become what the girl wants you to
become (or so you think); then you said you "just needed to talk."
You don't even think you can trouble me with a question until part two of your
P.S. This letter is a microcosm of your love life. Don't just share: ask.
for what you want. Don't shape-shift into what you think she wants;
ultimately, it's the strong sense of self -- yes, even a nice self -- that
we're going to go for. It's like what I told Bob: you've got a role in
setting the tone: the next time a girl piques your interest, ask her out
before you fix her loft/"talk"/"listen"
And finally, you ask, if a girl drops the friend bomb,
should you give up? Probably, but maybe not entirely. I mean, don't pester her,
but at least pursue the friendship, if it's not too excruciating for you. No,
wait, I take that back; don't pursue the friendship; allow it to
flower if it's going to. Don't do all the work. If she really wants to be
friends, she'll call you, too. Otherwise, yep, let it go.
But here's the flipside: jillions of relationships do
morph from platonic to romantic every day (I mean, a loft is a bed...).
Also, in this world where women "can" ask men out, but we -- let's
face it -- still haven't gotten all the signals straight, making friend-ish
noises can be a safe (but clearly not all that effective) way for less bold
women to flirt. Occasionally, when women cry on your shoulder about all the
other boys (i.e. everyone but you) they want to date but aren't, what they are
-- clumsily -- saying is, "Hello, I am a sexual being with needs and
desires, hint, hint." Granted, that's a bit confusing, but no, women do
not get our kicks out of confusing men. We think y'all are confusing enough,
So date on, Wayne. Baberaham Lincoln is out there
And now, more letters from guys -- and gals! -- like
you. Hey, maybe you all can exchange emails and share. On second
thought, never mind.
P.S. BY THE WAY.BG did get an email -- actually,
several -- from a very nice young woman whowas DYING to e-meet this Bob guy.
She didn't even know if they lived in the same country, so it wasn't like she
just wanted him to fix her transmission. So, if I may extrapolate: yes, women
do think Nice Guy Bob is a babe. So there.
NEXT LETTER >