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As you may have already read, Breakup
Girl -- brace yourselves -- will be "away from her desk" when this
country undergoes a harsh collective breakup: that is, on the cold, dark night
early next month when Jerry, Elaine, George, and Kramer dump us all. So let me
take a minute to get you prepared right now. Here is what you need to know:
1. I don't know about your watercooler conversations on Fridays, but rest
assured, you won't really notice a big difference here at BG.com on Mondays.
Despite BG's liberal use of "yada, yada, yada," other examples of
Sein language are already far outnumbered by Buffy- and X-Files-isms. This is
because (a) as breakups tend to take place toward the end of the week (after
Voyager, before Simpsons), so BG is generally out working instead of watching,
and (b) call me cranky, but I'll admit that it's refreshing to see other people
having to handle relationship problems on the level of "My boyfriend has
no reflection in a mirror, what should I do?" (Also, Brooklyn South
references would be great, especially now that Nona and Lowery seem to be
getting involved, but email@example.com is the only other person on the
planet who even understood that sentence, so there you go.)
2. Otherwise, though, getting over the loss may take a while. Why? Because I
guarantee that you will have no opportunity whatsoever to go cold turkey. You
will run into "Seinfeld" everywhere: retrospectives,
"Bloopers" shows, Entertainment Weekly covers, conspiracy theories,
Elton John songs, yada yada yada. Be patient; give yourself the time and space
to heal. Read books if you must.
3. Even though she won't be in town, Breakup Girl is STILL WAITING FOR HER
FRIENDS AT MAXIM TO INVITE HER TO THE PARTY AT "THE"
4. Gentlemen, can we please let go and stop advertising ourselves in
personal ads as "Seinfeld-type?" Basically, what that tells us is
that you have weird, annoying friends. One of whom is your ex, who still has
full access to your apartment.
5. Speaking of which, here's the bright side: No longer will exes-to-be be
faced with an intimidating, even misleading, role model: the post-relationship
friendship of Jerry and Elaine. They have a past, but they totally hang out!
And Lord knows it's not just because they're really mature and well-adjusted.
Inspiring though their example may appear, BG believes that these two may
have contributed to a false gold standard/imperative about remaining friends
after a breakup.
And that's why this column, along with every NBC exec, is asking:
When It's Over,
Will the Friends Thing Still Work?
Okay, let's get right into it...
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