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Dear Breakup Girl,
I moved 2000 miles to live with "the love of my life." Once I got
there, he broke up with me. I was stranded, broke, and alone. It was hell. I am
now back home with my parents, trying to move on. But I am haunted by questions
of "why" and "how." Last night, I talked to him, and the
same subject came up as to why I'm "not his type" -- not attractive
enough, not thin enough. I accept the relationship is over, but now I have the
leftover feeling that I was dumped because I'm unattractive. I'm now terrified
of meeting anyone, because I fear it will just happen again. And now my
self-esteem is zilch, since I see myself as fat and unappealing. (Especially
since I have gained about 15 pounds since the breakup, and I just took my exam
to be a registered dietician! I feel like such a failure.) How do I go on and
repair this damage? Will I forever hear him in my head saying that I am
unattractive and not thin enough? I feel like our whole society is obsessed
with looks. On TV, on the radio, and in my relationships, that's all I see. It
just makes me want to hide away forever. Please, can you help me see things
differently?
-- Crushed
Dear Crushed,
1. "The subject 'came up.'" Above and beyond
the weight issue, the major breakup lesson here -- and I've said this before --
is Do Not Hound Your Ex for a Reason "Why." I am not saying they're
Right or that you're not deserving of some sort of "explanation." But
what actually happens when you try to pin the WHY? thing down? Either they will
not be able to explain in a satisfying manner (nature of the beast), which will
frustrate both of you even more, or you will drive them to say something THAT
YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR. Worst of all, in most cases, you probably already know
what that thing is. BG does not endorse self-flagellating, masochistic
self-torture.
2. "...the leftover feeling that I was dumped
because I'm unattractive ... I fear it will happen again." I'm sorry, but
you would have this fear no matter how much you weigh. Breakups are not known
as self-esteem boosters for anyone. This, Crushed, is Basic Breakup Feeling.
It's Relationship History Mad-Libs. "I feel that I was dumped because of
[NEGATIVE TRAIT]. I fear that this will happen again next time." In your
case, though, it's magnified, because, as you couldn't help but notice,
everyone else (i.e. TV, radio, etc. -- though I will note that that's the first
time I've heard "radio" branded as a standard-setter for physical
beauty) is "telling" you you're unattractive too. Which, I know,
doesn't help.
3. "Can you help me see things differently?"
Well, I hope I've given you a little perspective, but it's your new job that's
really going to make a difference. It does seem ironic, but you're not a
"failure." Assuming you're not getting your dietician degree from,
say, MTV's Beach Party, dieticians are, ideally, the folks who know all about
helping people maintain a lifestyle and nutritional plan and weight that
they're comfortable with. They know about helping people spot and safety-catch
the triggers that make them do things like gain 15 pounds after a breakup (the
pounds aren't the problem -- it's the reason why they're there). That's the
good news. And I'm pretty sure you'll be just fine. Even at the broadest level,
starting a new vocation should help give you a new post-breakup lease on life
and love. But I just have one niggling concern. When, and why -- really -- did
you sign up for this dietician thing? Remember what BG said about
self-flagellating, masochistic self-torture.
Love,
Breakup Girl
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