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Dear Breakup Girl,
Oy! Where to start? Where to start?
I know! I was living with my boyfriend for three and a half years and then
he dumped me! HE dumped ME! The nerve.
Things hadn't been perfect with us for a while. There had been a lot of
arguments. He was majorly clinically depressed and wouldn't deal with it.
Everytime I went out with my friends, I knew when I came home he'd pick a
But he LOVED me. And I loved him. When we got together, we had both had
crushes on each other for months and hadn't known it. So when we finally
figured it out, there was so much pent up emotion that we moved in with each
other within three months.
Granted. Not the healthiest action. We were probably just majorly
infatuated. But then we made it work for three years, and I always thought that
was validation of our earlier adolescent actions (we're both mid-twenties.)
But my problem isn't with the ex. Well, it is, but it isn't. My problem is
Cutie-boy is the older (early 30's) boy who works in the office suite next
door from me. We kept running into each other in the halls. He kept asking me
to coffee and I kept forgetting to tell him I had a boyfriend. When I finally
told him, cutieboy claimed that coffee wasn't exactly a betrothal.
So I went and we had a good time, and to cut out a lot of extraneous info,
we ended up sneaking into emergency exit stairways at work and making out.
Harmless fun. I knew it was wrong, but told myself I was just getting a little
attention that my (soon-to-dump-me) boyfriend wasn't giving.
Well, then the boyfriend dumped me, I lay on the couch for a month, and when
I got off of it, I started dating cutie-boy. Cutie-boy is everything I could
ask for -- charming, beautiful, intelligent, quotes Rumi and Keats, and has one
of those gorgeous bodies with rock-hard muscles, but still lean. Plus the sex
is great! (sigh) And he seems to really like me.
The problem? He JUST likes me. We've been dating for around three months now
and he still doesn't call me his girlfriend (adolescent, but still important).
Once or twice a week we go out on a date and then I stay over at his house. We
have great conversations. He seems to really like me when we're together, but
when we're not making plans to get together I don't really hear from him. He
says that he's was in a serious relationship himself until a year ago, and
isn't ready for anything terribly serious yet.
So herein lies the question (I knew I had one!):
I know I should just be hanging and being single, but here this cutie-boy
is, in all his glory, and I really really like him. I liked him enough to cheat
on the boyfriend I loved! So is there a chance that a boy who seems to have
commitment issues and likes -- but isn't blown away by -- a girl could fall in
love with her later? Or should I just say too bad this one isn't going to give
me the love I want and call it a day?
Or am I just being a neurotic freak because I figure that if the ex dumped
me, and he seemed to love me more than I ever thought it was possible for
anyone to love anyone (me!), then how can a guy who starts out so luke-warm
ever love me?
Am I making any sense at all? Am I just going to end up on your break-up
list? Help me, Breakup Girl, help me!
-- Neurotic Freak Girl
I'm sure you like Cutie Boy. Especially if he
goes around saying things like "unclasps her warmed jewels one by
one..." and "When you are with me, we stay up all night talking. /
When you are gone, I cannot get to sleep." Oh! Oh!
But you have to realize the only thing hotter than a
Bartlett's Bon Mot boy is a furtive prebound in a stairwell. There had to be
some sort of slowdown when this relationship became "legit" -- one
that will no doubt make it look poky when compared to the fast-action
infatuation you had with the first guy. And for the same reason, don't base
your cutieboy Like-level measurements now on the fact that you cheated with him
So here's where to look: right now, is your
relationship more about what you are getting, or what you aren't? Are
you -- really -- ready for anything "terribly serious?" In
other words, your next step should be based not on second-guessing what he
might feel and do eventually, but on how content you are now. If you really
want to know, though, my gut kind of agrees with yours: he can get to sleep
without you. So maybe you shouldn't lose any more sleep over him.
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