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December 14, 1998   CONTINUED e-mail e-mail to a friend in need


Dear Breakup Girl,

I met this really amazing guy three years ago, when I was dating another really amazing guy. AG#1 and I became fairly good friends, saw each other at school frequently and ended up on the one hour bus ride to and from school together fairly often. Sometime in the year that followed, I split with AG#2 (just our lived heading in different directions) at which point I went into dating overdrive. Being young and immature (18) but thinking I knew it all, there was a string of guys which I saw for a few weeks and then tossed aside, none of them were amazing. Meanwhile, AG#1 and I are spending more and more time together, going out for dinner, seeing movies, drinking at the bar after class together and having wonderfully stimulating (intellectually) discussions.

About a year and a half after our first meeting, we get quite inebriated and end up kissing on my front step and discussing the possibility of us getting together. I knew then that he felt more about me than I felt about him, but I went ahead anyway thinking, I should like him, he's amazing! So what happens? The next day I flip out and tell him it's not going to work, I can't deal etc. etc. Being the AG that he is, he is totally cool about the whole thing. A few days later, he goes home for the summer, and the next fall, I leave to go away to school halfway across the country.

Well, it's been a year and a half now since the whole kissing thing happened between us and we have still never talked about it. Things haven't been quite the same between us since then either, and I feel totally terrible about my behaviour. Well, after an amazing dinner with him this summer, right before I again left to come back to school, I started to think about him in a different way, seriously this time. And since I've been back I sometimes miss him so much that it physically hurts me. The problem, there is no one else in my life right now, but there is someone in his. We talk on the phone and he doesn't talk about her much, I get the feeling it's not serious. And recently he totally hinted that he was still thinking about me as more that just his friend. I would like nothing more than to explore this possibility when I get home for Christmas, but am very unsure about whether or not he is on the same page as me. Plus, I want to be sure this time that I want a relationship with him, he's so amazing that the thought of me hurting him again scares me. I more than anything don't want to lose him as a friend. Any thoughts?

-- Hoping to Change His Mind

Dear Hoping,

Eaaaaaasy there, kiddo. AG may be holding back with her and hinting with you, but: there is a "her" in this sentence who's not you. You know what I'm about to say: no poaching. But since you are his friend, you do have a loophole this Christmas: ask him about her. About how she's doing, about how he's doing, about how they're doing; not about what you two are doing. Just get him talking -- that's what friends do, right? Then act accordingly (note: kissing on your front step again just because "it's not serious" with her is not "accordingly"). What I'm hoping, Hoping, is that you at least find a way not to pine when you go back to college. 'Cause what I'm wondering, Hoping, is whether something -- not just someone -- is missing from your life on campus. Are you happy? Are you lonely? Do you have good friends? Do you enjoy your classes? Throw yourself into school, not at someone taken and miles away.

Breakup Girl



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