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WEIGHT! COME BACK!

Hey, we got lots of killer responses to last week's column: "The Other Size that Matters." Thanks, all.

To Lonely and Confused from Miranda:

When I was in high school, my friend D. was in a situation just like yours; fairly inexperienced, and with your same build and attendant discomfort with self. But somewhere along the line, with the help of a lot of female platonic friends (with whom he learned how non-intimidating girls should be), he found a girlfriend towards the end of senior year, and by not stressing about it has been comfortably in and out of relationships since then. Oh, and in the year after that he lost 40 pounds, just like that. So don't worry about it; what seems like self-perpetuating singleness is just a little more growing up that you need to do.

To Ally, Dry & Damaged, Wendy, and BG from Been There, Done That, Bought The T-Shirt, Eventually Exchanged it for a Smaller Size:

First of all, a BIG ol' round of applause /standing O to you and your friend Wendy for last week's write up. It was SPOT ON. Pure dead brilliant.

Shout out to Ally: Ally, hon, boy can I relate. Holy Flashback, Batman! I weighed just about the same as you at your age -- and at just 5', my weight was anything BUT inconspicuous. I thought that everything would change if I just lost weight, too. I tried diet after fad after program and they worked -- for a while. Know why? Because I wanted to lose weight for everyone/everything else, not for ME. It's good that you want to make positive changes in your life, like losing weight. Like BG said, first and WAY more important than learning to shrink Ally is learning to LOVE Ally. Find someone to help you do that. You're SO MUCH MORE than just your dress size! When it's time to change the outside, make good and certain that you're losing weight for YOU, because YOU WANT TO -- not for anyone else's approval or benefit. I might sound a little preachy, Ally, but I've been there. Weight and self-esteem have been problems for me all my life. It's taken me 15 years or more to figure out what I just told you. With the help and love of my friends and family, I'm a lot happier with myself now. (I'm also 50 pounds lighter than I was at my heaviest -- with more to go -- but being successful this time is the effect, not the cause, of feeling better about myself . . . and because this time, it's for ME.)

Shout out to D&D: If you haven't found it yet, www.pcosupport.org is a good place for a little more info on Syndrome X and whatnot.

Thanks again for the great column last week, BG. You just *rock*. Enough said.

FromLiz:

First off let me say I am really heartened by your addressing "the other size that matters." Since lotsa people are imperfect (or think they are) in that way, it's one important topic. But what I didn't see is one dose of reality that I and many 14+ people have the hardest time with of all. Some people are actually attracted to chubby, plump, and otherwise overweight/large men and women. For me, believing that I am an sexually attractive person to the opposite sex is a challenge (5 feet tall, a size 14/large) but as I've been doing a reality check lately and realizing, it must be true because men do come on to me! I'm not going to live in a fantasy world where fatties have BETTER luck than their smaller counterparts, but I will say that I know few thin or fit people who don't have the same troubles finding a suitable beau that I have/do and I will say that I have known several women who were chubby to downright obese who ended up happily married to wonderful, kind, attractive, charming, normal sized men (did anyone else see Kathy Najimy's hubby on E? Foxy). How did that happen? Well the men must have LIKEliked them! I'm not advocating for being overweight, but so long as you are realtively healthy those who are "zaftig" may want to remember that "attractive" and "fat" are not neccesarily exclusive words. And if you have a weight problem that won't go away (ie: "exercising and eating right" doesn't help) go to see an open minded doctor or go to an alternative medicine practicioner. I found out that it was my (hitherto unknown) allergies to wheat, sugar, and milk that were playing a part in keeping me rounder than I would like. And be sure that your doc reviews your FAMILY's medical history (like for obesity for instance) and measures your FRAME because these two bits of info will let you know if you even have a shot at ever seeing what the diet books tell you is your "goal weight."

By the way -- Did I say that the most attractive beau I ever had, the one who worked out everyday, had buns o' steel, and had a face like a cherub, was also the most emotionally thrifty, ungenerous, and romantically unexciting lover I ever had? PU!

From KungFu Grrl:

...Most overweight people in this country I am SURE feel in some way out of control of their bodies. I know I did a year ago. I was flabby and tired and bored. I wasn't one of those hard-up Richard Simmons women who clung to food as her only friend, but I doubt most people are. We focus entirely too much on what we don't have, and not enough on what we can do for ourselves. Frankly, one of the only ways we can do that is to challenge ourselves (within reason!). When I started martial arts I thought I was too old, too inflexible, too lazy, but now I totally kick ass! The limits set between each belt test are like new goals, and every time I fire off an ever-higher roundhouse kick I can feel accomplishment. I haven't lost any weight, really, but I now have mega-arms (the bf is intimidated, a little) and can zoom up a mountain et cetera. When people write about being out of control and overweight they need a push towards defining what they can do physically and what they want to do. It takes work and responsibility, and there's no guarantee you'll look like a model, but with each accomplishment looking like a model is less important because you start to realize that you personally kick ass. And this goes for any sport. Gotta go to class so I can pass my next belt test!!!

To Dry & Damaged from Janis:

Hon, there is an excellent chance that your thin sis doesn't reject the guys who treat you bad out of principle," but instead out of *dislike* -- dislike that they treated her sister bad, and dislike that she knows damned well that the only reason they want her is because of what she looks like. I've had men walk right past plump friends of mine on their way to me, and I'm sitting there thinking, "Do you think I don't notice what a jerk you're being to someone I like?"

I didn't have a date until I was 26 and in graduate school. I'm 5'8" and 125 and have been the target of many passive-aggressive "you must be anorexic!!!" taunts by overweight women who seem to think that I must be complimented because shallow sexist slobs want to hang me off their arm and show me off. Being pursued by men who only want you because you remind them of the front cover of last month's Maxim is no picnic. I remain convinced that that's why so many women like Brigitte Gardot and Bo Derek are often unmarried and live with dozens of dogs, cats, and horses. Animals are usually the only completely honest experience that most of us have with unconditional love. After all, if you take your dog to the park for some frisbee, it doesn't look up ayou in sweats and a t-shirt and whine, "Is that what you're wearing?" And your cat will still rub herself against yur outstretched hand even when you start picking silver thread from the black and the crow's feet kick in.

From Stephanie ("who, when she was 17, didn't kiss a 6'4", athletic gorgeous boy because I was the fat chick. 2 years later, once I was over that stupidity, we dated. That was nine years ago. It didn't work, but in email 2 weeks ago he always thought I was a 'stone fox' ;-) ")

Thanks *so* much for the fabulous article about people having problems with relationships and weight. For what it's worth, I'm a size 24-28, depending on the manufacturer. Not a small person, but I'm more than a little sexy. To say the least. I'm cute, I'm cuddly, men adore me. I get asked for my phone number in malls. Cashiers flirt with me at the grocery store. Men hold doors for me.

8 months ago I joined Jenny Craig. I joined them mostly to learn to eat normally; I was eating far too much in a sitting and I wanted to learn what was considered normal. I've lost a fair bit. Not a lot, over all, but I'm a bit fitter. It's easier for me to do stairs, and my blood pressure is low - my pulse has dropped to an athletic level when I'm at rest, and I feel great!

And I'm not interested in the slightest in losing more weight. I learned to eat differently. I discovered new attitudes to food, and now I'm on the right track. Losing the weight doesn't matter, and it was when the weight loss ceased being important and being just healthier mattered.

The thing I've learned that's the most important in this is my confidence. I've always thought I was great looking, I know I'm smart, I know I'm funny (good grades and improv comedy helped with the last two). If you have confidence in yourself and in your abilities, nothing that is humanly possible is beyond you.

I was, though, the unpopular fat kid in high school. Oh, it was so hard! One thing I want you to let those glorious large chicks in high school know about is 'Girl' magazine (from the publishers of Mode) The first issue hit the stands 2 weeks ago, and it's fabulous! It's for teens of any size, large and small, and it's great. It has girls from size 6 through 20 modelling in the magazine, hip accessories, and all kinds of fun. I wish it had been around when I was a teen.

SHOUTOUTS / SIGNOFFS

El Duderino says Farewellaroonie!

I want your readers to know that I appreciate all the shout-outs, even the not so pleasant ones. I feel obliged to say something this time with regards to the shout-out by "Anonymous." I sense that the source of your scorn was not me or the zigzag journey that I'm taking in BGland, but the guy who left you. I want to say that I'm very sorry that he had caused you hurt and I pain for you even though

I don't know you. There may have been some parallels on the estranged father issue but I suspect his departure is not as simple as that. I'm just taking an educated guess here since these things are never so cut-and-dry. You see, in matters of the heart, much like a lot of stuff in life, there are always some gray areas here and there. Even the gray itself has a few different shades, to add to the confusion. Sometimes, when we are lucky, we make the right call. Other times we act unwisely and we live with the "mistakes." But most of the time, we hope that the next time we venture our hearts, it'll be something rewarding and meaningful. We talk to our friends about it, we write to BG, and we go home to mom and ask for a hug and make her tell us that things will be better. I supposed I'm no different than anybody else.

As for the prospect being called a loser by a bartender with a scornful wife, some recalcitrant children, and a back-breaking mortgage, I think I can hold my own pretty well. After all, the highest elected official in your country had sex with his 21 year old intern and lied about it and still gets record-breaking approval ratings and acquittal from the senate. You know what I mean?

That's all I have to say and I hope this letter finds you in good health. BG, I'm going to bid farewell now. Thank you for everything. I will miss you.

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