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Dear Breakup Girl,

I love my boyfriend, "Bearie" (he's like a bear -- adorable and furry). We've been together for over a year, and I'm completely happy with him -- I love him, he loves me, he's intelligent, thoughtful, nice, just plain incredibly wonderful. I mean, he's soo fantastically incredible. I have this nice, happy feeling every time I'm with him. I can even see marrying the guy and growing old together, buying furniture and doing all that grown-up stuff with him. Several years from now, of course.

Now, the problem. He's graduating this June (we go to the same university, and I still have two more years to go after this year), spending the summer up north taking language classes which he needs to earn his diploma (he's participating in the grad ceremonies in June but won't officially earn the degree until he finishes those classes, which are only offered up north). Then after that, he's going to go to a far, far away land in a different continent. Like, Timbuktu, or something! Not really, but it might as well be. He's always wanted to go there, so now he will, and teach English there while learning more Timbuktese. This way, he'll pay off all his college loans and realize his dream at the same time. I don't begrudge him that at all; I view his going away as this uncontrollable thing, like him going off to war or something. The bad part is, he's going to be away for a whole year!!!

It's freaking me out. I feel like time is running out on us. I know, we'll still get to email each other and phone once in a blue moon, but it's not the same as seeing and talking to him every day. And plus, the physical stuff. Not THAT kind of physical stuff, but just the hugging and kissing and holding hands and smiling we do whenever we're together.

We've decided to stay together while he's in Timbuktu, but he's left the decision to me whether to casually date other people in that time or not. He says he can more than handle not seeing anyone else in that span of time. He's had several girlfriends before me and he says he's ready to settle down to me and that I'm the girl for him. He's the guy for me too, but the thing is, I don't know if I can handle not seeing anyone else in that amount of time. I know, geesh, that sounds really bad, especially after I've gone on and one about how wonderful he is. But he's my first boyfriend, and I never dated in high school. Bearie's my first kiss, my first and only everything. Recently, I've had a couple of um, guys who've been interested in me. I didn't like them in that way, and I told them I had a boyfriend, but I DID enjoy the attention and wondering how it would be like to go out with someone other than Bearie. I would never ever want to break up with Bearie, and I'd be at his side loving and faithful, when he comes back. But in the meantime, I want to be able to go to movies with a guy, to be able to flirt and have fun with, while he's gone. Like, a fling. Or flings. Light, harmless, fun, with no commitment.

But the thing is, I do not at all like the thought of him seeing someone else too, some Timbuktese girl! I know, I am so selfish and everything! But I am so jealous just thinking of that! Plus, there was this one incident a couple or so months ago that kinda shattered my trust in him in that way, that happened when he got drunk at a party I wasn't attending. Everything's fine now, I love him and decided to forgive that, but that trust hasn't fully grown back yet at all.

So what do I do, BG? I have a wonderful, incredible boyfriend... who's going to be gone for a whole freakin' year... but when he comes back I DO want to be back with him and eventually marry him and stuff... but in the meantime, I wanna see how it's like with other guys. Should I tell him we could see other people... and burn up with jealousy if he does see some foreign girl?

-- Needs-Advice-Please Gal

Dear NAPG,

You're right: unfortunately, the "seeing other people" thing can't hold for one significant other, but not the other significant other; you can't have your cake and Timbuktu. My recommendation is that you set that policy (for both of you), just in case. Here's why. You are going to wonder (a) what he's doing -- especially given that itty bitty party incident -- and (b) what it would be like to date other young tim-bucks, no matter what. If it happens, it might as well be legal; let's take the potential for betrayal out of it, at least on paper.

Speaking of paper, when you do write, I do not recommend that you have some sort of Tell Each Other Everything policy. More often than not, what sounds like a "Look how honest and strong we are" sharefest turns into more of a hurtful guilt-spew.

Also speaking of paper, if you do have some sort of flingywingy with an at-homeboy, make sure you two are on the same page. As in: he can sense that it's a fling, too (like maybe don't give him a furry nickname).

Okay? Be sweet and strong, girlie! However you say that in Timbuktese.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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