< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

Here's one from the other side of the breakup fence: I'm breaking a lot of hearts lately, and I feel terrible about it! Okay, maybe "breaking hearts" is a bit strong, but I certainly have been leaving a number of really nice guys very sad and disappointed.

Background: I recently had an intense 4-month, live-in relationship with a man who I thought was The ONE. Then he decided that he still had a lot of personal stuff to sort through and heal from (and his messy divorce to get through), and he needed to be alone for awhile. He said I should "move on for now" and maybe if he was lucky, I'd still be "available" when he was done figuring out his life (in a few months? a few years? he had no idea how long it would take).

I was determined not to sit around and wait for him. After all, I'm 34 and divorced, and I'm eager to start a new life and have a family. So, even though I still miss him and his kids (and the family life I briefly enjoyed with them), and I can't help hoping he'll come back to me, I'm out there dating...and dating...and dating.

Which is where the heart-breaking comes in. I try not to write off anyone if there's no "spark" during the first date; I'll often hang in there for at least one or two more dates to see if anything develops. Sometimes that includes having sex, sometimes just kissing, and sometimes just hanging out. But any way I do it, the men tend to fall for me pretty quickly, when I'm not sure about them at all. So then I get freaked out and break it off, and they get really hurt. I try to be gentle, and sometimes I make up lies like "I'm getting back together with my ex-boyfriend," but nothing I say seems to be any easier for them to take. Even when I tell them right up front that I'm dating other people and not ready to get serious with anyone, they still fall hard for me anyway. One guy I dated briefly nine months ago called me the other night, saying he still wasn't over me, and could we go out again? I told him honestly but gently that I wasn't interested, and he actually started crying! I felt so bad.

Maybe your readers will be annoyed hearing me complain about having too many men in love with me (or infatuated, whatever), but I'm honestly not trying to brag or gloat. I need help. How do I explore and test out different relationships without hurting so many nice people? Nobody seems to know how to "just date" anymore. I'm not even sure that's what I'm doing, but I don't know how I'll meet Mr. Right without trying a few Mr. Maybes on for size.

BG, I REALLY need your thoughts on this (and your readers' too). Please help!

-- Guilty Heartbreaker

Dear Guilty,

So maybe don't have sex with these guys. That, unless you two have some other understanding, is something I recommend doing after "anything develops." Also consider this: is there some sort of unwitting selection process going on here, where you're going for guys who, unlike NOT THE ONE, won't take much working or waiting? You tell me. AND, oy, hate to float this one, but there could be something a little Mars/Venus/Rules going on here, where your relatively aloof "hang around to see" attitude makes these Typical Males, blahblahblah, crazy with thrill-of-the-hunt desire. Whatever.

Otherwise, I am all for this "just dating," Brady-style. (Once again: no sex there, just lots of exploding fireworks and pumping teeter-totters.), so I think you should do us all a favor and continue to try to re-pioneer that practice. We all (with the possible exception of Breakup List situations like, "S/he keeps moving without telling me. Should I try to make it work?") place or feel pressure to get all "The One" about someone way too soon. So as long as you choose wisely -- and, if necessary, decline gently -- I say date on, dude.

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >