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I was hoping that I wouldn't have to write you again for a long, long time -- but I have been doing pretty well since I last wrote. All of those people I was having problems with are either out of my life or I've been able to adjust my relationships with them so that we both know where we stand with each other. I lost a couple of friendships, retained one or two, and even managed to make up with one girl. Kate (the poem girl) is speaking to me again, and we've totally revived the friendship to the point that she's helping me through what is quickly becoming the roughest spot I've been through in a long time.

A little background first...

Roughly four years ago (I refuse to keep track, but it'll be four years sometime in September), the only girl I've ever really truly loved broke up with me. We'd been dating for four months, and before that, we had been flirting-friends for about a year and a half. She made me incredibly happy, and I made her happy, or so I thought. We had huge differences -- our political views differed, her father was a minister and I didn't go to church, she marched in pro-life rallies and did the whole baby-on-a-stick thing, and I could never have imagined doing such a thing. Yet somehow none of that ever came up, and we were happy for the few months that we dated.

Then she moved away.

It was only a hundred miles, but that was enough. While she lived here, I never tried to force her into doing anything that made her uncomfortable. I tried to kiss her a few times, but she'd push me away and apologize, saying that it was going to be her first kiss, and that she wasn't ready for it at that time. I always nodded and said okay. Finally, she kissed me. During the whole relationship, we kissed maybe five times. That's all we did.

A week after she moved away, she had sex with a 21 year old guy and neglected to tell me about it. In fact, I had to learn about it from one of our mutual friends. When I approached her about it, she screamed at me and chastised me for believing the girl's words. Without faltering, I asked if the girl was lying. Ana said no, that it was true. That's when we broke up. She begged for me to come back to her a month later, when sex guy was done with her. Through tears, I said no, and we drifted apart. I left her with scars, though. I've not been able to trust another girl since then. I've not allowed myself to get too close to a girl. When I get hurt, I expect it because of what Ana did to me. I've been unable to completely open up to a girl...

Until now.

In early June, I ran into a girl I've known for three years. It was the first time I'd seen her in about six months, and we spent half an hour catching up. Her boyfriend was there, but he was ignoring her anyway, so I didn't have to worry about monopolizing her time. We had to cut the talking short because the movie finally started seating (Austin Powers 2, baby! Yeah! YEAH!), and when we got into the theater, there weren't enough seats on a row to accommodate myself, her, and her boyfriend. Well, Kelly (that's what I'll call her) waited after the movie, and when I got out of the theater, she asked me to call her.

I never got the chance, because two days later, she called me to tell me that her boyfriend had basically dumped her. The deal was this -- he was supposed to go help out at a Boy Scout camp for two weeks, and he said he'd call her the night he left and they'd get together and do something. This poor girl fell asleep by the phone at about 5 AM, after waiting roughly eight hours for his phone call. The next day, one of her friends said, "Oh, him? He went to play basketball with friends until 3 AM, then he left." This was the final straw of about four months of crappy treatment -- of him not calling her, of him calling her horrible things, of him generally treating her badly.

I shifted into Mr. Comfort mode. We started to spend a ton of time together seeing movies, going to dinner, and going for long walks and talking. She's an incredibly intelligent girl. She is talented at so many things...at everything she tries, she excels. She's funny. She's witty. She understands my sense of humor. She understands me. After a couple of weeks, a long-buried crush came back out to play. I liked this girl. And it got worse as the weeks went by. She went back to her boyfriend, who proceeded to treat her like crap again, and they broke up again. I continued to comfort her.

She started dropping hints that she liked me. Finally, as I dropped her off at her house one night, I hugged her goodnight and then took her hand. I told her that I was very interested in her, and that she was the first girl since Ana to actually totally earn my trust. Breakup Girl, Kelly has my heart in her hands. I would completely hand myself over to her if she wanted me to.

She told me to call her the next day. I did, and she said that she needed some time alone to think. Okay, I said. One of her complaints about her ex-boyfriend was that he didn't understand her need for time alone. Other complaints included the fact that he can never be serious, the fact that he's immature, and the fact that he never does what he says he will. Everything that he lacks that she wants, I have. I figured that if I gave her the time, I'd get the answer I wanted. She told me that yes, she had been giving off signals. I told her to take as much time as she needed to think.

Three days later, I ask her again. She says that she's very interested in me, and that she'd love to date me, but...yeah, but. But she's going to college soon. In Louisiana. I'll still be in South Carolina. She says that to do that wouldn't be fair to either of us, what with the distance. I'm crushed, but I agree.

The next day, she's back with her ex-boyfriend.

For the record -- he lives in South Carolina, too. Further away from Louisiana, actually. So here's the deal -- he's gone off to college again, and she wants to spend time with me before she leaves for college. There's only one week left for me to spend with her (she leaves on the 27th), and I'm torn between wanting to spend every single minute of that time with her and wanting to be alone so that I can try to rid myself of these feelings that I have for her. I care more about her than I've cared about anyone in four years, and I'm obviously not going to have a chance to date her...I stopped crying a week ago, and now I'm basically numb. She still flirts a little bit, bringing up the fact that we went on official dates in July. Hell, maybe she's trying to say, "I'd like for you to take me on at least one more date before I leave for college." I don't know. All I do know is that I'm better suited for her than her boyfriend is, and she knows it, too. What should I do, Breakup Girl? What's your take on this situation? Is there hope for me? What should I do next week?

--Brad

Dear Brad,

Buddy -- Predicament of the Year, even! -- I’m late on this. My bad; major apologies. Where can I send the So Sorry Snickerdoodles? ;)

But let me take a quick stab anyway; hope it’ll help retroactively.

First of all, OW. And please know that I am sad when you’re sad, and I hurt when you’re numb. I hope that whatever you may have decided to do during that week in question made you feel, at very least, no worse. I, frankly, could have gone either way. It was only a week, one with a built-in, enforced end — during which you’re wishing either that she was there, or that she wasn’t: same thing.

Now what? Well, with no small amount of derring-do and e-mail, long distance relationships can work. So "It wouldn’t be fair" is what you say if you are not willing to do the work.

And the longest distance here, Brad, is how far Kelly needs to go to cut ties (as opposed to tie knots) with her anti-Scout (Trustworthy?! Loyal?! Courteous?!). She’s allowed to flake and go back to the boy once, but twice? I’d bet the 4-H farm that she’s in full "I don’t deserve someone like Brad" mode. Not to mention the full "Brad will help me feel better about myself and build up the strength to go back to the evil weebelo."

See, arguably, many girls who send you into Mr. Comfort mode are those who are not prepared to see themselves as anything other than, um, "comfort women" to the troops. I honestly don’t doubt that the bluebirds in all your letters have been as delightful as you say. But — try this one on — is it that, since Ana, the girls you’re most predisposed to open yourself up to are the ones who put you in the "Here, dear, trust me" position? Because that way, their earning your trust badge is beside the point? Could be.

So for now, Brad, do what you need to do to deal and heal. I think you’ve made your case with / for Kelly; she will either come to her senses, or she won’t — and either way, she’ll come to South Carolina only on holidays. So as you move on, Be Prepared by remembering this: your heart is in your hands. Hand it to people strong enough to hold it.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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