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Dear Breakup Girl,
I was hoping that I wouldn't have to write you again
for a long, long time
-- but I have been doing pretty well since I last wrote. All of those people
I was having problems with are either out of my life or I've been able to
my relationships with them so that we both know where we stand with each other.
I lost a couple of friendships, retained one or two, and even managed to make
up with one girl. Kate (the poem girl) is speaking to me again, and we've
revived the friendship to the point that she's helping me through what is
becoming the roughest spot I've been through in a long time.
A little background first...
Roughly four years ago (I refuse to keep track, but it'll be four years
in September), the only girl I've ever really truly loved broke up with me.
We'd been dating for four months, and before that, we had been flirting-friends
for about a year and a half. She made me incredibly happy, and I made her
or so I thought. We had huge differences -- our political views differed, her
father was a minister and I didn't go to church, she marched in pro-life
and did the whole baby-on-a-stick thing, and I could never have imagined doing
such a thing. Yet somehow none of that ever came up, and we were happy for the
few months that we dated.
Then she moved away.
It was only a hundred miles, but that was enough. While she lived here, I
tried to force her into doing anything that made her uncomfortable. I tried
to kiss her a few times, but she'd push me away and apologize, saying that it
was going to be her first kiss, and that she wasn't ready for it at that time.
I always nodded and said okay. Finally, she kissed me. During the whole
we kissed maybe five times. That's all we did.
A week after she moved away, she had sex with a 21 year old guy and
to tell me about it. In fact, I had to learn about it from one of our mutual
friends. When I approached her about it, she screamed at me and chastised me
for believing the girl's words. Without faltering, I asked if the girl was
Ana said no, that it was true. That's when we broke up. She begged for me to
come back to her a month later, when sex guy was done with her. Through tears,
I said no, and we drifted apart. I left her with scars, though. I've not been
able to trust another girl since then. I've not allowed myself to get too close
to a girl. When I get hurt, I expect it because of what Ana did to me. I've
been unable to completely open up to a girl...
In early June, I ran into a girl I've known for three years. It was the
time I'd seen her in about six months, and we spent half an hour catching up.
Her boyfriend was there, but he was ignoring her anyway, so I didn't have to
worry about monopolizing her time. We had to cut the talking short because the
movie finally started seating (Austin Powers 2, baby! Yeah! YEAH!), and when
we got into the theater, there weren't enough seats on a row to accommodate
myself, her, and her boyfriend. Well, Kelly (that's what I'll call her) waited
after the movie, and when I got out of the theater, she asked me to call
I never got the chance, because two days later, she called me to tell me
her boyfriend had basically dumped her. The deal was this -- he was supposed
to go help out at a Boy Scout camp for two weeks, and he said he'd call her
the night he left and they'd get together and do something. This poor girl fell
asleep by the phone at about 5 AM, after waiting roughly eight hours for his
phone call. The next day, one of her friends said, "Oh, him? He went to play
basketball with friends until 3 AM, then he left." This was the final straw
of about four months of crappy treatment -- of him not calling her, of him
her horrible things, of him generally treating her badly.
I shifted into Mr. Comfort mode. We started to spend a ton of time together
seeing movies, going to dinner, and going for long walks and talking. She's
an incredibly intelligent girl. She is talented at so many things...at
she tries, she excels. She's funny. She's witty. She understands my sense of
humor. She understands me. After a couple of weeks, a long-buried crush came
back out to play. I liked this girl. And it got worse as the weeks went by.
She went back to her boyfriend, who proceeded to treat her like crap again,
and they broke up again. I continued to comfort her.
She started dropping hints that she liked me. Finally, as I dropped her off
at her house one night, I hugged her goodnight and then took her hand. I told
her that I was very interested in her, and that she was the first girl since
Ana to actually totally earn my trust. Breakup Girl, Kelly has my heart in her
hands. I would completely hand myself over to her if she wanted me to.
She told me to call her the next day. I did, and she said that she needed
some time alone to think. Okay, I said. One of her complaints about her
was that he didn't understand her need for time alone. Other complaints
the fact that he can never be serious, the fact that he's immature, and the
fact that he never does what he says he will. Everything that he lacks that
she wants, I have. I figured that if I gave her the time, I'd get the answer
I wanted. She told me that yes, she had been giving off signals. I told her
to take as much time as she needed to think.
Three days later, I ask her again. She says that she's very interested in
me, and that she'd love to date me, but...yeah, but. But she's going to college
soon. In Louisiana. I'll still be in South Carolina. She says that to do that
wouldn't be fair to either of us, what with the distance. I'm crushed, but I
The next day, she's back with her ex-boyfriend.
For the record -- he lives in South Carolina, too. Further away from
actually. So here's the deal -- he's gone off to college again, and she wants
to spend time with me before she leaves for college. There's only one week left
for me to spend with her (she leaves on the 27th), and I'm torn between wanting
to spend every single minute of that time with her and wanting to be alone so
that I can try to rid myself of these feelings that I have for her. I care more
about her than I've cared about anyone in four years, and I'm obviously not
going to have a chance to date her...I stopped crying a week ago, and now I'm
basically numb. She still flirts a little bit, bringing up the fact that we
went on official dates in July. Hell, maybe she's trying to say, "I'd like for
you to take me on at least one more date before I leave for college." I don't
know. All I do know is that I'm better suited for her than her boyfriend is,
and she knows it, too. What should I do, Breakup Girl? What's your take on this
situation? Is there hope for me? What should I do next week?
Buddy -- Predicament of the Year, even! --
late on this. My bad; major apologies. Where can I send the So Sorry
But let me take a quick stab anyway; hope itll help retroactively.
First of all, OW. And please know that I am sad when youre sad, and I
hurt when youre numb. I hope that whatever you may have decided to do
during that week in question made you feel, at very least, no worse. I,
could have gone either way. It was only a week, one with a built-in, enforced
end during which youre wishing either that she was there, or that
she wasnt: same thing.
Now what? Well, with no small amount of derring-do and e-mail, long
distance relationships can work. So "It wouldnt be
is what you say if you are not willing to do the work.
And the longest distance here, Brad, is how far Kelly needs to go to cut ties
(as opposed to tie
knots) with her anti-Scout (Trustworthy?! Loyal?! Courteous?!). Shes
allowed to flake and go back to the boy once, but twice? Id bet the 4-H
farm that shes in full "I dont deserve someone like Brad"
mode. Not to mention the full "Brad will help me feel better about myself
and build up the strength to go back to the evil weebelo."
See, arguably, many girls who send you into Mr. Comfort mode are those who are
not prepared to see themselves as anything other than, um, "comfort
women" to the troops. I honestly dont doubt that the bluebirds
in all your letters have been as delightful as you say. But try this
one on is it that, since Ana, the girls youre most predisposed
to open yourself up to are the ones who put you in the "Here, dear, trust
me" position? Because that way, their earning your trust badge is
beside the point? Could be.
So for now, Brad, do what you need to do to deal and heal. I think youve
made your case with / for Kelly; she will either come to her senses, or she
wont and either way, shell come to South Carolina only on
holidays. So as you move on, Be
Prepared by remembering this: your heart is in your hands. Hand it
to people strong enough to hold it.
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