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Shoutouts

To Y'all from BG:

Followup to "Dealbreakers:" Don't miss our -- well, your -- "interview" with David and Elizabeth Weinlick. (Or next month's Swell guests.)

To No Hope from El Duderino:

My heart goes out to you, buddy. For what it's worth, let me share a little bit of my experience. When I was young, I was extremely thin and gawky, regularly sick from battles with asthma. My dad took a second wife, which was legal in my country, while my mom was carrying me in her. She attempted suicide, but both of us were fortunately saved. I carried an expression of anger and depression on my face during my youth that was comparable to a homicidal Japanese Mafia. Girls were generally and genuinely scared of me. My teens were spent hanging out with the wrong crowd and getting drunk. If you were to see me then, you would have said, "This guy is a goner."

My mom eventually lobbied for an education in California for me, and I found myself in Lalaland. I said to myself, "To hell with all of you." I hardly spoke English. The first day, I went to the library and found myself the thickest book (which happened to be the complete stories of Sherlock Holmes) and a dictionary. Within three months, I could speak and write. I worked out at the gym not because I wanted to get buff but because I wanted to burn off some of the intensity before it consumed me. I didn't have the time to worry about getting dates, and I didn't have to because most of the girls I met would make excuses to talk to me. I met and fell in love with the most wonderful and beautiful woman (those of you who know a little of me know that I'm talking about Golden Girl). Looking back, I'm very sure it was the intensity in my eyes. I was this person with a burning desire and dedication for something or to be something. I don't know if my experience will help you get dates, but that is not the point. Is it? Is getting dates the totality of you life? What else are you doing with your life? Or have you just given up already?

These are the questions you have to ask yourself. I'm sorry that I don't know how else to be more eloquent with this matter, but perhaps you should know that I'm learning Spanish in my mid-thirties and looking forward to spending a semester at Universidad de Santiago de Compostela, Spain next summer. I'm also happy to report that I'm a law abiding citizen and a fairly respectable member of my community. I don't drink (although I smoke too much), and I have many close and wonderful friends (both male and female). I lead a full and interesting life despite being single.

But seriously, I may not be a role model for you, but you should never ever give up on yourself. Please remember that there's at least one guy out here rooting for you. You are not gonna disappoint me, are you? And I will pass on the advice BG once gave me not too long ago: BEAR AND FOREBEAR. Translation : "If you build it, they will come."

Good luck, my friend.

Also to No Hope from Juliebulie:

Oh, poor No Hope. I totally understand. I don't have anything useful to say, but I really sympathize with your frustration. Unless you've got a creepy stalking habit you haven't told us about or a "Please Be My Girlfriend" tattoo, I'll wager that you've just been the victim of very bad luck. But believe me: luck changes.

And from Andy:

Don't worry. Stay the course, be patient, and have faith! Great things are out there waiting to happen for you!

And from Been There:

OK, although I'm still in the I-Hate-High-School part of my life, I understand what you mean. I'm a never been kissed/never been dated sort, but I haven't ever had enough nerve to ask a guy out or tell anyone when I like a guy. That means I'm also from the other side. I have made fun of guys who seem overly desperate and turned guys down because I actually wanted them as a friend. (Could that be the reason for my eternal singleness!?) Anyway, I think that you should first and foremost focus on yourself. Girls love what they can't have; we're always up for a good challenge. I know what it is like to cry yourself to sleep because the one person you truly care about would rather you be dead. And then your parents come along, thinking that you are a possibly-switched-at-birth freak because you aren't the Belle of the Ball. It stinks. But let's move on and not ruin our lives because that special someone does not exist beyond our imaginations.

To What's Education Got To Do With It from Egghead:

Education is only one factor among many, and it's not the most important one. I was married to an intellectual man with a Master's Degree for 20 years. He was cold and repressed and could be very cruel. After our divorce seven years ago, I met a master BMW auto mechanic who had barely eked his way through high school. His grammar is poor and his vocabulary limited. But he has a heart that is wide open and as big as the great outdoors. He's honest and thoughtful, he enjoys opera and reads voraciously, and he has a tremendous passion for life. I didn't know what true love, great sex, and emotional happiness were until I met him. Yes, there is a difference in our intellectual levels. Yeah, he calls me an egghead (I have a Master's degree in Molecular Biology), and I call him a motorhead, but we treat it as we do our many other differences -- age, political alignment, ethnic background, religion -- as something interesting but not divisive. Much more important are these factors: 1) We can communicate. We are the best of friends who can talk about anything together, and even when the inevitable arguments happen, he is always always willing to sit down the next day and talk it through with an open mind to make things work. 2) I can trust him to be loyal and never knowingly hurt or deceive me. 3) We have similar life-values. 4) We have shared interests which we pursue together in our spare time. If your boyfriend fits these criteria, value him as a precious gem. Believe me, I work with Ph.D.'s all day, and they can be at least as messed up as anyone else. Education is no predictor of suitability for life-companionship. I figure as long as the poor grammar doesn't get in the way of accurate communication, it's a minor bad habit, much like saying "uh" or "like" too often in conversation. My friends see how happy I am with him so they accept him as he is. (One of those friends is the branch director of the county library and is married to a functionally illiterate stonemason -- a happy marriage for more than 25 years.) And it's mighty nice to have a man around the house who is better with tools than I am!

To Mere Mortal Guy from Leslie:

This seems really simple to me: I mean, isn't sleeping with someone else GENERALLY NOT PART of a committed relationship? Why does it make a difference if it's a male or a female? It's cheating, and I'm not sure why someone would think it excusable just because (1) it's another girl and (2) she's telling you about it in advance!

And from Mike:

If she has difficulty understanding your feelings about this situation, just ask her how she'd feel if you asked her the same question: "Do you mind if I fooled around with another girl?" If nothing else, it should give her some perspective on your feelings. Just because it's "fooling around," and just because it's the same gender doesn't mean it won't hurt your relationship. Such "open" relationships tend to self-destruct (especially if the "openness" is one-sided, i.e. she's being the "open" one).

To Linda M. from Rubydoo:

Your boyfriend sounds JUST LIKE MY EX! It seems to me that fear of commitment is rearing its ugly head. My ex couldn't see me enough in the beginning, two days was just an eternity for him. Naturally, as time progressed, I fell completely in love with him. That was what he intended, and who could resist his charms and sincerity at the time? Unfortunately, I think he began to wake up to the seriousness of the situation he was creating, sorta like the old "be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it" syndrome. Well, he needed to back off. We spent less time together, he was working late, needed a night out with the boys, he had to get up early during the week, etc., etc. I would then do my own thing, he would come back. On and on it went until......BOOM. He was gone and on the arms of someone new within two weeks of leaving me!!! (Guess his family questioning are intentions became too much once and for all!) Also, what better than the beginning of a new relationship where there are NO expectations, no family to answer to, etc., right?

I would advise you. that something IS going on with your boyfriend. He probably realizes that his actions/words are what's brought this relationship to a higher level, and he's trying to bring it down a notch or so. Unfortunately, he just doesn't know how to go about it. Either this, or there is another woman who is piquing his interest and he is lining her up for the moment he reaches the "point of no return."

You really should follow BG's advice and live your own life, making him a incidental for now. If he wants to spend time with you, believe me, he'll let you know!!!

To Breakup Mom from Joanne:

About your cat peeves: according to my vet, cats run in from outside to use the litterbox as soon as you change the litter in order to scent mark it, so that all the other cats in the world will know that it's their litterbox. Otherwise they could (they reason) arrive one fine morning to find a twenty-pound Maine Coon in possession and be forced to use the philodendron. This is the same reason they rub all over you when you put on your newly-drycleaned black suit. It is vital that other cats know that you already have a cat, otherwise such a wonderful tuna-fish feeding babe would be snapped up in a second. Come to think of it, this behavior is not unlike that of most humans in relationships, except that cats are easier to figure out.

To BG from Young'un:

Hey there... thanks so much for your reply! This is just to let you know that we've gotten things back on track. He went back on the antihistamines pretty much immediately after I freaked out at him -- he hadn't realized how much it was affecting me. He still snores a bit, but I seem to be getting used to it. In other news, it turns out that he was being completely facetious when he made the "decorative" comment, but I was too busy being irritated to pick up on it. That'll teach me, eh? He still hasn't budged on the undies issue, but has agreed to try them if I buy a pair for him -- he just doesn't feel that there's much of a point to buying really expensive underwear, and I can see his side. But I'm still going to splurge.

BG responds: Hey, look! You two can celebrate Boxers' Birthday!

Also to BG from Mandy:

Hey BG, its me...again! I have absolutely no dilemma now, but, I wanted to let you know...that I met yet another guy. He found me online a couple weeks ago, and we have seen each other every day since. I'm definitely in lust, and he is too. He is great with my son, and my son likes him. He has a daughter the same age as my son, and they get along but she doesn't like me. But that's sorta expected with 2-year-olds, I guess. He tells me she will like me after she gets to know me better. But her not liking me is the only problem we have so far, knock on wood. But, BG, Mandy is finally happy! Even if it will ONLY Last a few weeks. I decided to live for today. So when he gets sick of me and dumps me like Marshall and Dusty did, I won't let it bother me as much.

BG responds: Please say you mean "if," Mandy. And please take it slow with this guy. You can make tomorrow different, too. Oh -- you do seem to do well with the dating-as-single-mom thing: bet you'd have a lot to contribute at MakingLemonade.com. I think you'd do well to supplement the boyfriends with galpals, anyway.

It was with some half-squirming amusement that I saw my name on your "Please Get Counseling" List. Of course, you are right -- and I have already started seeing a therapist. I have more issues than a newsstand, but now I've come to understand that few, if any, of them had to do with the ex himself, but rather mostly with why I let guys like him pull their crap and get away with it.

I thought I'd drop you a note telling you that I am feeling much better and stronger without the lazydrunkenexboyfriend. I have an apartment of my own now (devoid of any souvenirs from lazydrunkenex liaisons), and even a new kitty roommate (the cat custody agreement didn't work out, as my "child" was unhappy with his new home and tore the place apart until he was returned to the ex's place). I have made an effort to stay busy and get back in touch with friends with whom I'd lost touch while all the bad stuff with the lazydrunkenboyfriend was going on.

I realize now how much of my misery came from choosing to stay in a yicky relationship that didn't make me feel good, loved, or worthy. He may have been wrong to treat me as he did, but I'm the one who let him use me as a welcome mat, and by God, now I'm just sorry it took me so long to see it. Actually, I'm convinced the issues with the ex went way deeper than his and my relationship (or lack thereof) and into stuff that had nothing to do with him, or anyone else, but with my own life and my own hangups. I was a fool to tolerate as much as I did, and I see that now.

I am feeling better every day. It's been over a month since the breakup; lazydrunkenex and I have talked a few times when it was necessary (like settling mutual bills and the like) but despite his rather pathetic efforts to remain friendly, I really don't want to have anything to do with him, and if that makes me a heartless b*tch, so be it. Not that I wish him dead, just that I don't want to see him or be around him anymore, at all. I know he thinks we're getting back together someday (because he's never taken anything I do seriously. i.e. "She doesn't really mean it"), but believe me...we're not. I had to meet him at the bank one day to get my name taken off an account, and he turned up...DRUNK! And instead of being upset, I was merely mad...and I wasn't even that mad. I just didn't care anymore, which I take to be a good sign, a sign that I'm putting him and all those codependent memories behind me. I don't remember if I said anything about it before, but I've also recently been diagnosed with diabetes, and so I have no time to worry about what might have been. Taking charge of my health and my life is occupying all my time, and I'm happy about it. I feel incredibly lucky to have realized that being with laxydrunkenex was no good for me instead of languishing on for years like so many people I've seen. NONE of my friends or family has said "I told you so" or been smug about it, either. They've all been incredibly wonderful and supportive, doing everything from offering me a place to stay while I was "in transit" to loaning me money for furniture for the new place, to listening me beat myself up and alternately, spew out all my resentment toward him, and telling me the truth...that I DON'T suck, and that our relationship DID, and that I was right to end it. Better to be alone and happy than attached and miserable.

I'm just so glad I'm not with him anymore, and yes, although sometimes I get whiny and self-pitying, I've started getting interested in the things I used to love to do: listening to music, going out dancing, writing, hanging out with people, and taking my job seriously again (even though I'm pretty much an office serf). I am getting there; I realize it will take time and effort, but now that lazydrunkenex is out of my life, there's nowhere to go but up. I am quite looking forward to starting over without that albatross around my neck.

Keep telling it like it is; you're sensible, compassionate, and unafraid to tell people the honest truth as you see it. Peace, Amie (Firelily).

BG responds: "Hoo-ah!"

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