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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm in love with a Sensitive New Age Jerk. He's 17, and I'm 14. We liked each other a lot at first, even though he was going out with someone else. He told me over and over that he was going to break up with her, but he didn't. He said he would never have gone out with her if he had met me first, but he was her first boyfriend and had to let her down easy. As time went by, our relationship got more serious, and we were keeping it secret from everyone. At semester break, I moved to the alternative school (where he and the girlfriend go) and started to become friends with her (not through him -- it just sort of happened). She turned out to be a really cool person, and neither he nor I had the heart to tell her what was going on. Twice I have given him an ultimatum -- not to dump her but to be honest -- and twice he has refused to do it. Now he says that he really, really likes me but is in love with her, and I said that he had to tell her. We decided that we are going to tell her together, because I don't think he should carry on a relationship with someone he "loves" if he can't even be honest with her. So now I feel like I've lost him and am going to lose her, too. Am I at fault? What can I do to get out of this?

-- Claire

Dear Claire,

Are you at fault? Well, ideally, there's no such thing as two ultimatums. If you were a perfect human who never gave into baser boy-type desires or went with the get-away-with-it-a-bit-longer plan, that would be one thing. But I can see -- if not excuse -- why you would have been like, "Tell her, or else! <pause> Okay... else!"

Still, Claire, you are an accessory here. How to fix things? Well, I really don't buy that this guy is actually going to show up for this "tell her together" date. Nor is he going to come through for you, full-boyfriendly speaking, anytime soon. So if you ask me, step one is for you to stop seeing him. I mean, SEEINGseeing. Period. Then -- separate issue -- it's up to you to decide whether Galpal trumps SNAJ and snitching is in order ("He's not a one-woman man, I know for a fact."). If you do that, do it out of concern for her, not for your own guilt rehab. Because here's the thing: whether or not you have a 100% clear conscience (that is: punishment for accessorizing might just be living with the guilt), BG really wants you have -- whoever he is -- 100% of your boyfriend.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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