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Dear Breakup Girl,

I am a divorced 31-year-old woman. I am educated and well-bred, but I have been around the block a few times. I have a nice body, thanks to a lot of work, and a rather cut, innocent face. My mother always told me a pretty face will get you into the door, but smarts will keep you in the boardroom. I took her advice seriously and have always worked on exploring and learning about the world around me. I think at this point I have a lot to bring to the table.

I know men are attracted to me, but it has been almost a year since I have had a traditional date with someone with whom I would actually consider having a serious relationship. I like casual, safe sex, but feel very uncomfortable (sexually) with men I really respect. Although I wouldn't think twice about picking up some young hunk, or letting him pick me up, I find it very difficult when I actually really like the person.

My morals tend to be a bit out of the norm; I do like excitement. But I am beginning to feel a little split-personality in the way I am leading my life. My coworkers would never suspect how I lead my private life. I have even considered becoming an escort in order to satisfy my sexual needs.

I do not have any guilt complex about this, but I do keep it private due to the society I'm living in. Am I a normal, liberal, progressive-thinking woman, or do I need therapy?

-- Penelope

Dear Penelope,

Are you "normal, liberal, progressive," yadda yadda? Well, not having a moral freakout about occasional safe casual sex could be an example of "normal," etc. So could not wanting a serious relationship; so could not having had a traditional date in a while. But let's not worry about such loaded-yet-wispy words. Here's the real question: is what you're doing getting you what you want? Or WANTwant?

Here's our Belleruth. "Seems to me that going out with the tasty snack cakes keeps you 'safe' from caring about anyone you might consider your 'equal.' With the kind of distance you perceive between you and them, there's no 'danger' of real connection. All this could signal a fear of intimacy, vulnerability, and the demands of a real relationship -- and those are legitimately, scary, of course. But whatever loneliness or hunger you feel gets channeled into sex, possibly compulsive sex. Plus, if you're 'in the closet' at work about your social life and how you spend your time after hours, then you may not be making intimate friends there, either. In fact, you may have wound up pretty isolated and friendless. Hence additional loneliness, hence sex: voila -- a cycle. As long as you're focused on your ambition and success (driven, perhaps, by a mom who regrets having made different choices?), you may be able to sustain this holding pattern -- and if that's what you want, fine. But at some point when your career plateaus, or you feel like you're aging, you may look around and start to feel kind of empty. So you may as well get a jump start now, before the whole construct starts to crumble, by asking yourself -- and yeah, maybe a pro -- whose life you're living."

You've worked (out) hard. You've gotten way past the door, you're at the table, you've seen the world on the way. But look around -- and in. Are you happy? Are you having, like, fun? Will what you have last? Think about it. Your single life doesn't have to be a double one.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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