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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have received many phone numbers from girls at bars with the hope of getting together in the future. Nothing happens. Not due to a lack of effort, though. Most of the time I will call them and we end up talking on the phone, but they never call back.

If they get all dressed up, have fun with me at a bar, and proceed to give out their number, I can only think they are interested in meeting again in the future. This makes logical sense. However, nothing happens because they never follow up after we talk. I want to know if they do this only to feel a false or temporary boost of self-esteem (I met a nice, good-looking guy at a bar, that makes me feel good!). This is the only thing I can think of to explain such behavior. What's going on? Thanks.

-- Brad

Dear Brad (not BRADBrad),

A woman gets dressed up, has fun with a nice, good-looking guy at a bar, and gives him her number; ergo, they are interested in meeting again in the future.

This definitely makes logical sense.

But Brad, if this stuff were logical, I'd be a different kind of superhero, like the kind who saves the world from redundant acronyms such as "ATM Machine" and "PIN Number" [sic]. Alas, it just doesn't work that way.

So what is going on? Here are my thoughts.

While they enjoy talking to you, they're not -- for whatever screwy confounding damnable reason -- inspired to follow up with a DATEdate. Still, when you ask for the digits (I'm just assuming you're asking -- correct me if I'm wrong), they find it awkward, after all that, to say, "Uh...no." (It's the girl version of when guys ask for numbers they're never intending to call, just 'cause it seems like the right thing to ask for at the end of the conversation. It's WD-40 for the moment.) It may not seem logical, but somehow it at least seems more "polite." (Not saying it is or isn't; I'm just suggesting that that's the "logic.")

Also: Where are you leaving things with these women after Call #1? Sometimes -- even if you say "Why don't you give me a call?" and she says "Grand!" -- it takes more than one follow-up on your (the boy) part. You don't have to be a hardcore Rulesista to generally prefer to let the guy make the first, oh, three moves. (Again, not recommending; just speculating.) I mean, a subset of these women could be complaining to friends, "I thought he liked me, but he called only once!"

Now, you do seem intrepid and resilient, which is great. But I think it's alter, vary, and/or expand your approach. Heck, even just to get out of this rut. So:

1. Call again. Once.
2. Better yet: make an actual date in the first phone call. Up and ask, with ascending specifics, stopping short of saying you've already made a reservation/the sourdough starter. "Would you like to have dinner sometime? How's next week? What kind of food do you like? I'll pick a place [in your neighborhood.]. Etc." Do not say "Call me when you'd like to get together" unless it's WD-40 for a last gasp.
3. Move beyond bars. Try to do things where you'll meet gals with whom you share interests other than kamikazes, with whom you share a background other than a dartboard. Sounds hoky, but the point is that well, as you've learned, numbers have no fixed value; but common interests are currency you can save and count on. If you guys approach each other in some sort of, er, value-added context, then The Phone Call is no longer the be all and end all. And we've got a kabillion ideas for you here.

Meantime, chalk these clunkers up to the sometimes amusing, sometimes grinding guesswork -- not logic -- of dating. And when you get going on those new approaches, you'll have more dates than you have digits.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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