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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I can't believe it happened to me. I should have seen it coming, but I suppose that I didn't want to.

When I ment my ex-girlfriend, she was a welfare mother, ten years younger than I, with a five-year old son. At the time that we met, she didn't mention her son. In fact, she continued not mentioning him for at least a month afterwards. When she did finally tell me, she did so when we were in bed, when she supposed that I would be most accepting (she was right about that). It turned out to be no problem because I fell in love with her son, and my son liked the boy, too!

One of the first things she did after we met was to ask me to pursue her ex-boyfriend, the father of her child, for child support (did I mention that I am a lawyer?). I thought this was a good idea, because it might help her onto her feet financially. So, I pursued him zealously through three states and several garnishments. From time to time thereafter, she would ask me to take care of legal problems for her family. I really didn't mind, since I really cared about her. We stayed together for three years. During that time, our relationship was punctuated with episodes of her telling me lies and me catching her. At first, they were seemingly small lies (other than the one about her child), that she claimed arose from embarrassment or fear of what my reaction might be. The lies bothered me, though, and I occasionally said so. Still, I had fallen in love with this woman, so I was willing to work on it.

During our three years together, I did everything for her. She was still in school (it took her 8 years to get out), so I studied with her for every test, and I researched and, at her request, wrote every paper assigned to her for the entire three years until her graduation. On several occasions, she would tell me that a paper requiring research was due on the evening before the due date. I sometimes had to call in sick to get her schoolwork done for her in time. When I met her, she was floundering in school. By the time that she finished, she nearly graduated with honors with doing very little work on her own. I went to her mother's naturalization ceremonies, birthday parties, old world celebrations, fixed tickets, got relatives out of jail, worked around her mother's house and spent lots of time hanging out with her son (and mine). I let my son get close to her and we frequently discussed marriage.

While she was still in school, I encouraged her to take a part-time job to help her get a little spending money. Big mistake. Within a month, she was sleeping with a co-employee. While I was helping her son with his homework, she was turning psycho-hose-beast on me. Naturally, I busted her, but after some serious heartfelt discussions, I offered to take her back and work through it, but I insisted that she quit her job and take another, or just quit altogether. She refused. We argued viciously, but she would not relent, so we broke up, and I was heartbroken.

About two weeks later (when summer was over and her paramour returned to school in another city, I later learned), the phone rang. She wanted to get back together (still one year left to graduate, I suppose). She made all of the appropriate appologies and assurances, so we decided to try again. Eventually, we did put some of the pieces back together. When she graduated, she didn't know how to look for work, so I did her resume and helped her until she found a job as an insurance adjuster. I wished she went to work at a grocery store instead, because she would call 3 or 4 times a day with questions or to ask me to dictate letters for her job. It sucked.

In the next year, there were more tests and more papers. Work at her house and with her son became more frequent. With time, my trust was restored, and eventually we again began to talk of marriage. Her son was getting older, and we decided that a computer would be in his best interests, so we purchased one. He is a very bright boy, and it was great at first, until my ex started spending 4-5 hours at a time chatting on the net. I could never get through on the telephone, because it was always tied up.

Then, the bomb hit. She said she was going away with her cousin to Florida for a weekend af fun. I was pleased that she was going to get away for a bit. Except that she didn't. I learned that she went to Florida alone to meet a man she had met on the internet one week prior. She rented a room and slept with him. Ironically, she had slept with me the night before, and was swearing her love for me!

Well, it got ugly after that, and we broke up for good. Still I am haunted by thoughts and memories of her. I miss her son, and my son misses him too. I can't help but feel like an idiot for letting her hurt my boy and I am left with a terrible body image and questions about damned near everything involving my personality.

In writing this, it becomes so very apparent what a fool I have been. So, my questions are these: (1) What do I need to do to make sure that I don't ignore such obvious warning signs in the future? (2) If she's the one that did wrong, why do I feel so bad, and why does she feel so good? Thanks for your help.

-- Flattened in New Orleans

Dear Flattened,

Whew. Speaking of garnishments. Well, you were talking about various types of "court orders" and "legal proceedings;" I am talking about "ornamentations and embellishments." As in, you were not just plain beige boyfriend, you were Lawyer, Schneider, Ghost Writer, Intern, "intern," etc. As this website's very own Professor Longhair, Doc Belleruth, says: "You clearly like caretaking, which is lovely ... but you've overdone it, to say the least. So much so that it would make most people uncomfortable -- except for an Exploiter, of course, which is what you got yourself. Do you think your worth to women lies in your ability to do over-the-top stuff for them? (And is this notion not helped by some sort of body issue -- more in the weight department? -- that makes you feel as if you have less to offer?) If so, you'll start 'overfunctioning' for the next one almost automatically, and the only ones who won't get a creepy feeling about it will be sleaze material or the seriously immature."

Flattened, it's time for the soul-searching that will help prevent you from being the Big Easy next time. Research: yourself, for yourself. Do your own resume of past relationships, adjust your own claims, free yourself from this jail. Maybe even with the help of a professional. This is what you'll need to do in order to establish a grown-up, balanced relationship between two equals -- and a healthy dynamic between you [both] and your son. And in the meantime, well, of course you feel bad; you feel bereft, and also dumb. But if it makes you feel any less bad, I can practically guarantee you that Miss Florida doesn't feel so good. You, finally, are awakening, addressing, questioning, confronting. She, as far as anyone knows, is still using and splitting, learning nothing. You're already on your way back from Blue Bayou.

Love,
Breakup Girl/Belleruth

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