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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'd appreciate your opinion on whether I should get married. From reading your advice to other people, I think your opinion will be very insightful and helpful to me. I'm 23 years old, female, almost four years into my second long-term serious relationship. (The first became an engagement, which I broke off because of my relationship with my current sweetie.) My current sweetie is 29; he's also been engaged before. We've practically lived together since we met, and have been officially living together for about five months.

Since about a year and a half or two years into our relationship, I've been feeling urges to get married to him -- would have, had he wanted to get married at any point since then, which he hasn't. Now he's becoming more confident about commitment and marriage will very likely be in our future if I want it to.

Should I marry a man who is extremely smart, funny, insanely handsome, loving, vulnerable, tolerant, and in most ways very honest?

Should I marry a man the ends of whose two previous serious, long-term relationships were accompanied by his infidelity, and who, I recently discovered, cheated on me two years ago and lied about it?

He is all of those things. He's promised me that I can trust him now not to be unfaithful again, that he was a stupid person two years ago who made a mistake he truly regrets and wishes he could undo. I believe him, and I've forgiven him. We're doing well right now; I'm beginning to recover from the hurt of knowing he betrayed me, and our communication and enjoyment of each other's presence are strong.

Can a leopard change its spots? Can someone grow out of being sexually unreliable? Am I asking for disaster by believing in this man? I believed in him before and was betrayed. But...

Should I ignore my heart? I can't imagine waking up and not finding him at my side, not hearing his voice every day saying that he loves me, not being able to share my thoughts with him and share his thoughts. We feel *right* together. He knows me and comforts me; he makes me laugh and he makes me smile.

I'm not looking for an answer for every question mark up there, but I'd really like your opinion on whether I should pursue my desire to make our relationship permanent.

-- Jackie

Dear Jackie,

First, a reminder: cheating on you and lying about it are the same.

Second, some reassurance: Someone can definitely grow out of being sexually unreliable. And a partnership can grow out of being betrayed. You stuck around; the other two didn't. Does this mean you are dumb, in denial -- or more circumspect, committed, resilient? Could go either way.

Other than that, even a superhero can't tell you definitively that he will or won't do it again. That's why, ultimately, this is more about you. You can't imagine not finding him there, you can't imagine not hearing his voice. Gotcha. But can you imagine not waking up in a cold sweat, wondering if he's home? Can you imagine not hearing your voice wondering if it just asked, "One disaster, please!"?

I am not talking about moving forward with blind mute dumb trust. It's okay to be human and have memories and triggers and reflexes. But I am talking about being able to live and love your life -- together -- with this yuck in your past. He may well change his spots, but you'll also need to earn your own stripes. Good luck.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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