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Dear Breakup Girl,

Is it ever possible for two people to break up in a pretty painful way but eventually get back together happily?

My ex-boyfriend (let's call him Mark) and I dated on and off for two years long distance and then dated solidly for a year once we were both in the same city. We broke up about 7 months ago after a pretty miserable couple of months. His father had passed away , and he was having a lot of trouble grieving and dealing with that. I had a pretty sucky job and living situation and was letting it affect the relationship. There were problems with our relationship that we just weren't addressing; it wasn't anything major, rather lots of little things that sort of festered and grew into bigger things. We basically blew up at each other, broke up, and didn't speak to each other for three months. At first, I was excited to be single. I dated; I went out; I had fun. But, when the dust settled, I was devastated.

Finally, after a lot of agonizing, we got back in touch. It was immediately clear that our feelings for each other were still very strong and that, despite this, he still wasn't ready to be involved (with me or anyone). I am not sure what was harder: not speaking to him at all or speaking to him but not having the sort of relationship that we had before. There were a couple of pretty sticky situations like hearing about girls he was dating casually (we still have a lot of friends in common); sleeping with him again when I was ready to get back together and he wasn't, etc. I have to admit that for a while there I was a little bit off-the-deep-end. I really couldn't keep myself from thinking about him, what went wrong, why he wouldn't want me back, etc. I lost 10 pounds and couldn't sleep at night. I am very lucky to have friends and family that helped me through it.

Lately, I'm happy again with my own life as a single girl (you would be so proud!). I love my (new) job; I love my (new) apartment; and I am having fun and dealing very well with my life, thank you very much. I am doing all right without him right now. Of course, I would like to be closer to him again, but I can't say that my life depends on it. I know that I would be OK (though always a bit wistful) if we never got back together.

Mark and I are still talking and seeing each other occasionally. The difference is that now he says he's been thinking a lot about our relationship and what happened to it. He says he still loves me. He understands my perspective now, and I didn't even have to explain it to him. I definitely sense that he is moving back in my direction again: he wants to go away for the weekend to visit the college we both attended (and met at, by the way). He calls to see how I am. He wants to spend time together. When he looks at me, I see that same old glint in his eye. He's really pulled himself together, too. I should be psyched, right?

Maybe. I do love him; he can still make my knees knock and my toes curl. I respect him. I miss him and his take on the world. Every emotional part of my body is crying out for me to go running back as fast as my little feet can carry me. But then again, as a few of my friends are quick to point out, I have never been hurt like this before and never hope to be again. I just don't know if I could bear to lose him again. Can I let myself care about him and us again? Could I survive another breakup, if it were to come to that? How do I know if it was circumstance or basic incompatibility that broke us up in the first place?

BG, I so much want to believe that it could happen again, but I am scared witless that I could be risking the life satisfaction that I have worked so hard to get. Do reunions work? And if so, under what circumstances? Should I open myself up again?

--Still Believing

Dear Still Believing,

It occurs to me that my "should we get back together?" checklist (also see Old Flame Week and Columbus Day) can be summed up with the kindergarten game "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes." Let's review your letter, and you'll see what I mean.

Salient points, in order of appearance:

1. Your breakup was due more to crappy circumstance than to irreconcilable difference.

2. Your feelings didn't fade and fizzle out; they combusted. Heat left on.

3. You wallowed, then rallied.

4. You are "all right without him" now.

5. You both "get" what went wrong.

6. "Glint."

7. "He's really pulled himself together too."

8. "Love," "respect," "miss," yadda yadda.

If you get back together, you might still break up. I'm saying that out of statistics, not probability. You might. You might break up with whomever you date. Of course you're scared witless -- it's a huge deal! But what, that means you should let this chance go?

SB, you've got your head on your shoulders ... and a knock in your knees, and a curl in your toes. Get on this one before I make you sit in the corner, kiddo.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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