If the world were a tad more civilized, the hottest name of the summer would be Cezanne! However, since lucrative art purchases rarely make compelling watercooler talk (or, for that mater, watercolor talk) any more, buzz has centered around two things: "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" and Ricky Martin.

And I, readers, have been caught between these two forces of nature like Scylla and Charibdis! I was privileged enough to attend a special sneak peek of the new George Lucas film -- I told the door person I was a newly hired MTV veejay -- about which I rant below. Yoda, Schmoda, I say: the Ricky Martin force was with me! In town to promote his new album (and to perform most wonderfully on Saturday Night Live), the Menudo hottie was spotted not only in Breakup Girl's teenage past, but also checking out a film in the Village last Monday with a male companion (relax, he appeared to be a bodyguard) (the companion, I mean). After the movie, Martin signed a couple autographs and sped out, clearly to rest up for his frenzied appearance at an uptown Tower Records the next day, where thousands of screaming fans prompted the New York police force to block the street for several blocks.

(In fact, Breakup Girl and Webmaster Chris report that they had to walk an entire block out of their way that day in order to attend a Breakup Girl LIVE meeting chez Paul the Intern.) (Oh, and guess who else lives right there? The ringleader of The Italians: BG's buddies who were made famous in the audience at BG LIVE last month simply by showing up and being Italian. Of the mob scene, he said: "Le ragazzine fuori aspettavano di vedere me, non Ricky Martin.")

Anyway, it didn't help that the Star Wars screening was across the street! (As I approached in my coach, I mistakenly thought, "Certainly Star Wars fans aren't turning violent, are they?") During the film, I spent a good two hours away from Ricky Martin ... only to sit two chairs away from Starr Jones, whose mound of perfectly coiffed hair was very Vader, indeed. Afterward, I sped downtown to tres chic Bowery Bar, where I warmed up with a hot toddie and ... Ricky Martin! Actually, his publicist said he was going to be there, and all the queens sitting around the bar were buzzing, but the place was so damn crowded I couldn't find him. Alas, it doth appear Mr. Martin is holding up his end of the deal and living "la vida loca!"

Jetsettin' Leo

If you're not into Star Wars or Ricky Martin and you happen to be a 13-year-old girl who's sooo five minutes ago, you're probably still into Leonardo DiCaprio, who's been away from our fair states while filming "The Beach" in Thailand. Well, he's baa-aack! Leo's been seen on both coasts in the past week -- no doubt, he's feels he's got some partying to catch up -- with a drink in hand and his posse in tow. He was spotted in L.A. at a star-studded carnival style fete hosted by Maxim Magazine, with Toby Maguire in his sidecar. (Apparently, Scott Wolf, Seth Green and bigger-drunk-than-Leo Andy Dick were also among the revelers.) The Post also reports that Mr. Manboy was in New York swilling it up at Life and Moomba (can't celebrities go somewhere else for once?). Of course if you want Leo in your own home, click here to catch the first glimpse of "The Beach" trailer, including the star in some sexy scenes. Or, if you want to laugh at Leo, rent "The Man In The Iron Mask," where he plays twin kings of France, both of whom could have been played by my waify teenage sister.

Kate's Frequent Flyer Fiasco

Leo's Titanic girl Kate Winslet -- wow, I haven't mentioned these two in the same sentence in a long while -- was also attempting a little jetsetting ... but she got more than she bargained for when an employee from British Airways frequent flyer program gave a friend the actress's home phone number. The stranger called Kate's pad last Sunday, though her assistant intercepted the call and the employee has been fired. Really, if the girl had wanted to be contacted, she'd be returning my phone calls.

Leggy Grad

Congratulations are in order for intelli-hottie Christy Turlington, who graduated last week from New York University with a combined major in philosophy, literature and art history. She celebrated after the ceremory with her proud boyfriend Jason Patric and friends Naomi Campbell and Quincy Jones. (That's right, Quincy knows the value of a smart supermodel!)

On the topic of early 90s supermodels, I hear Linda Evangelista is holed up with European soccer sensation Fabien Barthez in their glamorous Ibiza bordello, and the press is buzzing about an impending marriage and even a pregnancy! If Linda's preggers, she can join fellow supermodel Cindy Crawford as a nude magazine model, showing off that seriously swollen belly of hers.

"Star" Sighting

So, as I said, I finally viewed The Big Picture last week, and while I found the picture disappointing, I wouldn't suggest missing it for a minute. Those fools wasting their time in line for three weeks will feel slighted, but if you can grab a ticket, it's a must see for its cultural phenomenonitude alone. I'm sad to report that my favorite boy Ewan McGregor looks a bit like a microwaved hot dog in most of the film, but Liam Neeson is wonderful and there are several breathtaking action scenes. Still, Mr. Lucas, couldn't we have had one or two human moments? Did every damn thing have to be soaked in computer imagery? Couldn't somebody crack a smile?

The Last Obsession

A couple more celebrity-obsession letters -- of alarming interest -- came in last week. Mirthmobile writes breathlessly, "I know you've already done the 'shameful crush confessions' thing but I couldn't resist. Here I go -- deep breath -- Dave Foley! (Those eyes!)" Dear, no crush on any former member of "Kids In The Hall" is a passion unwasted! Plus, he's the only reason to ever see the movies "It's Pat" and "Blast From The Past"!

Pants100 harbors a more accessible crush: "All my friends are confused and bewildered by my crush on Seth 'My Pretend Boyfriend' Green. I am madly in crush with this complete stranger." Well, I currently have a picture of Seth 'My Pretend Houseboy' Green on the very fridge that holds my top shelf liquor. What, didn't everybody get to the end of "Austin Powers," where they blow up the enemy base, and think, "Gosh, I hope Scott Evil got out alive. Better yet, I wish I could rescue him!" Oh, was that just me? ["Are you kidding?" -- BG]

Yours until "Star Wars: The Phantom Ricky,"

Gregoire

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