So were you all turned on by "Eyes Wide Shut?" I finally got around to seeing this monstrosity just this weekend, and while it's not the travesty that some have proclaimed (Breakup Girl, for example, declared it "'Showgirls' meets 'Days of Thunder'"), let's just say I've spent more rewarding times at the laundromat, watching my polyesters dry! Nicole was a big yes, Tom a big no; he should never act in a film with his wife again, as she is taller and better than he is. The big orgy scene was moderately spooky but as sexy as a nursing home canasta tournament. What's worse, the female body is completely exploited -- the true star of this film was female pubic hair -- while we don't even get one clear shot of Tom's passable chest. I thought this film was supposed to be about the sexual relationships of men and women, not outdated and latent male fantasies. I think it was the scene where Tom reaches in to kiss the dead, naked female corpse that I decided, "Stanley Kubrick is the most misogynistic film director in history!" Think about it! His most developed nonsexual female character is Shelley Duvall's in "The Shining?!" I believe people always forgive this, because his themes, his cinematography and general vision are greatly profound. Unfortunately, I just can't. Thanks to "Eyes Wide Shut," I never want to see a naked set of breasts again! (Luckily for me, that won't be too difficult.)

Honolulu Hunt

After five years of living in mortal sin, Oscar winner Helen Hunt and her hunkie boy Hank Azaria (best known as Apu on "The Simpsons" and this weekend's "Mystery Men") finally entered the constraints of matrimony in a tiny ceremony at their Los Angeles home. (Yuck, who gets married at home anymore? The Brady Bunch?) The bride wore cream chiffon... but then, doesn't she always? Helen Hunt IS the very essence the color cream. She holds the trademark.

Strangely, the ceremony had a decidedly islandic feel to it, as Hankie wore a lei over his tan suit, guests were attired in Hawaiian party attire, and one of the bridemaids charmed the crowd with a native Hawaiian song. (One would imagine "The Hawaiian Wedding Song" though the "Hawaii 5-0 Theme" interpreted vocally makes a more tantalizing image.) Such famous guests as Anthony Edwards, Mike Myers and her television hubbie Paul Reiser must have scratched their heads in wonder. No word on whether the party also featured that other Hawaiian staple: Don Ho.

Bimbo Update

What's going on with your favorite bimbo? If she's Carmen Electra, I happen to know she's recently leapt from the gold lame' arms of ex-hubbie Dennis Rodman into the tattooed clutches of Limp Bizkit lead singer Fred Durst. Or at least that's what he said recently on Howard Stern. He also admitted he was a self-professed homophobe, which is just as well, because any homosexual (or heterosexual for that matter) listening to this sure-to-be-forgotten pseudo-rock aberration should certainly be hating their existence anyway. Carmen, really, at least Dennis had some style -- farflung, sure, but he could wear a hat. Dump this uncooked breakfast pastry, pronto!

Dennis, well over her, was in the Hamptons last weekend enjoying the fawning of several desperate women at the Life's A Beach. The lunatic basketballer was paid to be there of course, and could only smile as a fistfight erupted outside the VIP area where he was kept. The night previous, he was spotted at Scores topless nightclub. No word on whether he was there to perform or watch.

Money For Gore

If a tree falls in the woods, will anybody hear it? Maybe, though another tall wooden object, Al Gore, won't go unnoticed, at least judging by his tony presidential fundraiser held at the Tribeca Grill, that overrated eatery owned by Robert DeNiro. Attending the function was pretty boy Matt Damon (looking absolutely entranced by our nation's leader), Billy Baldwin (wouldn't be a political fundraiser without a Baldwin, would it?) , Julianna Margulies (beautiful, natch) and Miramax czar Harvey Weinstein. Meanwhile, his pretty little daughter Kristen was in town earlier in the week to see her boyfriend's band Motherboard play at Luna Lounge in the Lower East Side. Is anybody else enjoying the irony that this is the daughter of Tipper "Rock Music Is Evil" Gore? Kristen look gorgeous, too, which is all I need to elect her daddy for President Of The United States.

Summer Stars

Why celebrities haunt New York's Bowery Bar on Tuesday -- when it's a wall-to-wall gay meat market called Beige -- is quite beyond me, but I was there last week (I'm allowed) and spotted "Inspector Gadget" star Rupert Everett simply dressed in a black tank, possibly in the market to inspect other gadgets. On seeing him, I remembered a friend of mine attended a circuit party in Miami a few years ago and noted that a nude Rupert was gallivanting there around the pool. Apparently, the decorum that comes from being a celebrity doesn't seem to phase him, so why should it bother us? I walked right by him without a word.

Actually, we've got a Rupert Two-Fer this week: our own Betsy spotted him doing flys (approx. 1 ton) at Crunch on Christopher Street. ("Why doesn't he come in straight?" she wondered.)

We've also got a BetsyTwo-fer this week: she spotted Lili Taylor on her (Betsy's) very own corner while she (Betsy) was waiting to meet Paul the Intern for dinner. Outfit: casual drapy frocky dress, flip flops, and a big gargoyle poised to eat her head. Oh wait, that was the movie.

A friend of mine grabbed a drink at midtown dive bar Siberia and was pleasantly surprised to see he bartendress was noneother than Winona Ryder, who's either friends with the proprietor, or she's having a real hard time finding work. (Which reminds me of the time Molly Ringwald was spotted in Bed Bath & Beyond. Shopping, I think.)

And speaking of women in need of work, at a very secluded roof party on the Lower East Side, my drunken partygoing spy and his friend were sprawled out inside on his host's bed, enjoying the air conditioning, when the host and another pretty woman enters the room. "This is my friend Marisa!" the host proclaims. As my spy and his companion were loungily dressed, he proclaimed "We're the gigolos!" and were received by the lovely young woman's piercing Fran Drescher-like laugh. Upon leaving the room, my spy realized that the woman was indeed Academy Award winner Marisa Tomei, who drank from own personal bottle of booze the entire night and had a delightful time exploring the roof.

Here's a pretty potent NON-star sighting that even fooled the Daily News. Seems there was a man who looked and acted like Roberto Benigni (i.e. a total freak) bouncing through some hip Village haunts and flirting with some astonished young women. He skimmed a few drinks from people, too, until he was found out. Personally, I wouldn't have let any kind of Roberto Benigni, fake or otherwise, set foot in my club. I appreciate my upholstery, thank you.

I'm beginning to think that Uma and Ethan are really actually in love, and not one of those clearly fabricated couples that are littering Hollywood these days. They were seen in their Chelsea neighborhood last week kissing on a streetcorner in front of God and all the trendy boutiques. Now, while that seems like a horribly staged item -- I mean, they do live together, they can take care of that business at home -- I firmly believe they became caught up in a li'l moment and forgot the world for a second. See, there's a romantic in me after all.

Until that romantic reemerges....
Gregoire

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