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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

What constitutes a "dealbreaker" as far as words said in anger? My girlfriend of 14 months (with whom I had been living for four) and I finally had our first real blowout of a fight (words and yelling only), about three weeks before she hurriedly left me. We had never even had so much of an argument with raised voices before, but this one was complete with some spewing of venomous bile, mostly on my part, involving the use of a certain F-word, followed by a You word, plus another word not quite as bad as the C-word, but still. Of course, I felt stupid immediately after I said it. Of course, I apologized that night. Of course, I apologized the next day and many times over the next few days because it was brought up again.

About a month and a half after we broke up, we were trying to make sense of what happened to us, and she told me that "the day I cursed at her, her heart died for me." Now even though I sensed that she was really trying to blame me for almost everything that happened in the relationship, even ridiculous things, I still walked away from this conversation taking what she said about my cursing very much to heart. I tried to explain to her then, as I did when I first apologized for cursing, that it does happen, that people who are in relationships with each other for any significant length of time unfortunately do have words such as this sometimes. I even told her that I know my friends have had similar bouts with their SO's. Her response was, "What kind of horrible people do you hang out with?"

BG, I know in my head (as does my shrink, my friends, and parents) that the reason we broke up had much more to do with my 28-year-old girlfriend's immaturity and inexperience since I was not only her first boyfriend, but also because she was extremely tied to and ruled by her parents. Unfortunately, I keep blaming myself. I mean, I am the type of guy who has been described by girls to be extremely nice, sensitive, and sweet, even as a "big marshmallow." I guess it is killing me that someone thinks I am a monster now. And seriously, we had been together fourteen months, were living together, were supposed to be engaged in a few months, had even discussed a little about where we might "settle down" after we were done living "the wild life" in NYC, and she's gone after one foul? This does not make sense to me. But still, this guilt is eating me up and instead of "confident-self," I am projecting more "beaten-self," which is not going to help me find a new belle or move on in any sense. Should I be in Hell for this or am I just beating myself up to keep myself there?

--My Own Prison

Dear My Own Prison,

As far as BG is concerned, "sticks and stones," as it were, would be the no-questions dealbreaker. "Words and yelling," on the other hand, we evaluate on an ear-by-ear, couple-by-couple basis. Some couples think nothing of the occasional blowout cursefest (which normally gets made-up with the use of more dirty words, if you know what I mean). But for some individuals certain words -- especially when said (yelled) by a loved one -- are a big thing. (I mean, my friend Kris can't even hear the word "slacks" without visibly cringing.) In fact, "sticks and stones..," the aphorism, is a load of the S-word; words do pack a wallop.

Were these words, truly, the sole dealbreaker for her? Could be. Or maybe they were the toppler in some sort of dealbreaker Jenga stack she was building. Or maybe she was just waiting for an excuse to make the EXIT sign start flashing. I really don't know. And at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Point is, it takes two to do the T-word. What you said, while unwholesome, was merely -- another T-word -- a trigger for something bigger and louder in her mind than any one curse. Beyond your control. And in any case, well, it doesn't sound like you want her back; it sounds like you feel just plain bad. Like there's bad press out there about you, and you hate that. You're even one step beyond; you know you're being Guilty Guy (more wholesome term than "beaten-self").

So I'm really not sure what else you'd want me to do here. Tell you she's an overreacting freak? Your shrink, friends, and parents pretty much already are. Curse yourself out one more time and let it go.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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