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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have to thank you for your advice about working with Michael and Kimberley. A new boss has Michael under observation, Kimberley's contract wasn't renewed – and me, I've moved on to a great new job. Michael and Kimberley are living together, but hey, I don't have to be involved any more! Thanks!

Now, finally, about me. I'm 33, and I haven't been on so much as a date in nearly eight years. I don't know why this is. I'm overweight, but I know women at least as overweight as I who have loving partners. I trust I'm not a bad person, but then there are some awful people out there who are also in loving relationships.

I have lots of friends – both the close ones you'd trust with your life and probably have and the social ones with whom I have lunch and go shopping. I'm popular at work; I make people laugh; and I get invited to things. I go to the gym, cooking classes, language classes, a reading club, a martial arts club, and I sing in a band. I'm not sitting home feeling sorry for myself, and I haven't entered into any of these things in order to meet men, but because they were things I wanted to do.

But sometimes I look around at all the couples and think – even if I'm happy single, even if I'm just not made for relationships – not one date in nearly eight years? And it's not a question of being picky; no one, not one person, has ever asked me. I've actually taken the initiative a couple of times and asked guys (after assessing whether there was, as you put it, "some water in the pool"). Nothing heavy, just, "Um, I wondered if you might like to catch a movie with me some time." On each occasion (two), there was a courteous refusal and a little embarrassment, though the guys in question have been keen to remain on good terms. These guys truly liked me; they just didn't want to go out with me, and I read them wrong. I was really crazy about one of these guys and that hurt for a while (still does, if I'm honest), because he went out of his way to pay attention to me, and I just felt sure there was a spark. More fool me. I feel like I should know better by now.

So what is it? I'm not dead ugly; lots of people tell me I'm attractive (always women or happily married male friends, though). I asked one of the latter, once, whom I've known since I was sixteen, what was his take on why I was still single, and he said he had just never in the whole time we've known each other met anyone who he thought would be right for me. And this guy knows me well. I have a couple of female friends who play matchmaker for everybody yet never try to fix me up. When I once asked one of them why, she said much the same thing. I've asked a couple of people whether I just send out off-putting signals or something, and they tell me I don't. I don't feel like I do, either. Am I too self-sufficient? I don't think so, but even so would that really put off every man I've met in the last eight years?

And I don't want to give the impression that I spend my whole life thinking about this or whining to my friends like I'm doing now. Seriously, most of the time I live a perfectly content life. Sometimes I get to thinking that it would be nice to have someone to share things with, that's all. And there are times when I would give anything to be held. Not being touched for nearly eight years is really tough. I don't kid myself that a relationship would make life perfect, and I know it's not another person's job to meet my needs. I just get so goddamn lonely sometimes.

I'm smart, witty, kind, and stylish. I have a demanding and involving job, great friends, and interests that are, well, interesting. I know people think I'm eccentric, but that's not yelling-profanities-in-the-street-and-living-with-20-cats eccentric, just amusing-and-live-among-my-books eccentric. But not one date since I was 25? Not one fix-up, even? It's gotten to the stage where I just can't even envision it any more. I've started to assume that I'll always be alone. Much of the stuff your readers write about just seems totally alien and unreal. I've tried therapy, twice, for a couple of years at a stretch, but that's mainly been work on my self-esteem. I feel like that's a great deal better now ... but I'm still alone. Alone because I made bad choices or because things never work out would be one thing, but alone because no one has expressed the slightest interest in me for years and years and years, that really hurts. And again, I know people with terrible self-esteem who find people to love them.

I know even you can't fix this, BG, but maybe there are things I need to hear. I swear I'm not overlooking anyone with a secret crush or missing signals. A lot of people want to be my friend, but it seems there's not a person on earth who would even consider being more. Please help me. Eight years is not a drought waiting to break; it's salted earth, and I'm afraid that nothing will ever grow in it again ... and that I'll never know why.

–Eleanor

Dear Eleanor,

So glad those guys finally left you alone long enough for you to write me about your own angst! Well, you're right, Eleanor, what's going on with you – or, more to the point, what's not – is ridiculous. Nonsensical. An outrage. Un-American. Because you are doing everything right. You are. You're not whiny, you're not Cathy. Even alone, you're together. You've preempted all of my advice (which I thank you for, because it spares me having to think of non-lame ways to say, basically, "Join a club!" "Do what you love!"). So what gives?

Beats the hell out of Breakup Girl.

Which, I will submit, could be somewhat freeing. Eleanor, I don't think there's some big secret The Answer here to unlock, one that if you miss it, you will have missed out. I don't think there's a smack-on-the-forehead potential "If only I'd …" here. Yes, this is good news. Because, rather than grappling with a mystery of the universe, we get to deal with the merely practical. Phew! So I think the thing to do is to just figure out a way to get your bad self out there on some dates, whatever it takes. Not only to meet Someone, but – bigger picture – just to get the groove and vibe and fizz going, to let the air out of the big hollow No Date balloon that's blocking your path (and getting bigger and bigger the longer it sits there). So: personals, Internet, Speed Dating, I don't know. Something. Something effective and efficient.

They will not all work out, Eleanor. Some might suck. A lot. And that will hurt, too. But remember, at first, quantity will count. Because then occasional lack of quality will sting less. And I'm willing to wager that if you scrape off the rust, muster the pluck and recover your rhythm, you will find some salt-of-the-earth guy who – even though you could really have done without – will make the wait have been worth it.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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