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Dear Breakup Girl,

One of my friends finally broke up with her boyfriend (with whom she had been living). He (I'll call him Brad) cheated on her at least three times within the last six months and has forever treated her like a child. He is condescending, selfish, and manipulative ... and the list only begins there. I was so proud of her for taking this step. She's still in college (he's graduated) and is getting her own friends and seeing what more normal relationships are like. I can't imagine going through something like this, especially since they've dated on and off since high school (almost seven years). The problem is that I think she's getting ready to give him another chance. He gave her an engagement ring that he had planned to give her only a few days after they broke up. This gesture made her more upset (understandably so) and also confused her.

The problem facing me is that I cannot deal with the situation if she allows him to slime his way back into her life. She's not the same person with him: she becomes needy and whiny, often calling my boyfriend and me -- even if we are away for the weekend -- just because she is so desperate for someone to talk to, since Brad does not satisfy this need. She knows very well all of his faults and has rattled them off to us and her other friends as though it were second nature, so for her to accept all of this and take him back just seems unreal. I don't think that I can be friends with someone who would knowingly do this to her life. She knows that if they marry, she will lead a very lonely and paranoid life, doubting everything that comes out of his mouth.

Is it bad that I do not want to be friends with her should she get back together with Brad? I am so disgusted at the very thought and angry at what steps backward she would be taking. Yet, part of me feels that because I'm friends with her now, I should stay friends with her should she go back to Brad. Would I be a shallow person to let the friendship drift away? I obviously can't stand to be around him, and I would have to be should they get back together. Would I be a bad person to end a friendship because I cannot handle who she becomes when she's in a relationship with Brad?

--Conscience Confused

Dear Conscience Confused,

I've implied above -- especially in the "911" scenario -- that one must stand up for and by one's friends at all costs. You make a good case for an exception.

In 911 girl's case, and others like it, her boy was deliberately pulling her away. Her friends threw her a rope she didn't really know she needed until it lay coiled at her feet. She was hardly hell to live with; she wasn't even around. They missed her. Your case: different. If you "don't think you can be friends with someone" who's making those choices, well, one could call that judgmental ... or one could call that exhausted. One could call that "growing apart." One could call that "...less and less in common." One could call that a "one-way friendship." Especially if there's nothing left between you except her calls to the Catskills, which would even make moot the "everything but" rule described above. Sad? Oh, yeah. Bad, no.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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