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Dear Breakup Girl,

I am a widowed 57 year old lady, attractive, slim and really looking for a relationship with a single male. I found one on the net -- I know, a little stupid. He lives within 100 miles of me in a place where I usually vacation and we started emailing each other. Fom the start he kept saying " if the chemistry is right" and that should have been a warning flag to me but with years of unexperience in the dating field I thought chemistry was usually something that had to be built, not instantaneous always. It usually takes building a friendship first but evidently not in this day and age. This man, whom I will not say is a fraud said in his ad that he was unattached with no extra baggage, loved to dance, dine out, fish and go boating ... when in reality he can't do any of those things due to a severe back injury. I met him and accepted him even with his disability and spent time off and on with him for the 3 days I was there. I did one stupid thing and that was to have sex with him and when I got home from vacation he let me know there was no chemistry between us but he would still like to see me as the sex was really good.

I should have known better but like a fool I went back and although he kisses me, holds me in his arms and is sometimes very passionate he still says there is no chemistry. We enjoy a lot of the same things and I spend my time and money going to see him. Next month I am supposed to see him again but have come across several new ads in the personals that he has put in. I thought our relationship was starting to grow as each time I've been with him he's very affectionate and when I'm home e-mails me 7 or 8 times a day but after seeing these ads maybe he's right and there is no "chemistry" on his part. I am starting to have feelings for him and do everything in my power to make him feel good about himself as he is nothing like he described himself in his ad and really believed he was starting to have feelings for me too and was just afraid to show emotion but now I'm starting to have second thoughts. I really don't want to end this but can't take being hurt again. I would love to try to let this relationship grow if there's a chance but I really don't know if there is or not. Each time we're together he's more affectionate and it's not all just sex but when I get ready to leave he lets me know if I start to have feelings for him it will have to end. Please help me as I think I'm already in over my head and just too old to play stupid games.

Thank you, I'm starting to lose a lot of self-confidence.

-- Nancy

Dear Nancy,

I'll bet you are. Not only is this guy messing with your heart/mind, but you are not exactly thrilled with yourself for letting him. And you are sapping your own self-confidence by trying to "make him feel good about himself" ... without a heck of a lot of backatcha.

So first let me try to restore some for you.

1. It's not stupid to meet someone on the Net. It can be a great, handy, efficient, unique, fruitful resource. Those who dismiss it as universally lame is an excellent/hollow way to make them feel better about their own lack of RL dates. Good/brave for you for taking the risk, making the effort.

2. Warning signs, shmarning signs. Aren't warning signs, by definition, things we miss? Hey, you're 57, you're "really looking," you find someone with at least typing skills within a hundred mile radius, you go for it. At that point, one person's "warning sign" is another's "excuse to dodge commitment." Whatever. You did what seemed/felt right at the time. Again, brave.

3. When someone kisses you, holds you, etc. -- especially after a dry spell -- hey, it's hard to say "no" -- even when they're saying "no" followed by the word "chemistry." I'm not saying this is advisable, but I am saying it's understandable.

And about that "no chemistry" thing. Well, what is that about? I think you're on the right track (see, again, you're not so "stupid") when you say that at first you thought he was "just afraid to show emotion." I mean, there are a million examples out there -- "His Girl Friday," "Moonlighting," etc. -- where people put on a great big show about resisting, even hating, each other, but you know they're really gaga. The date doth protest too much, yadda yadda yadda.

But in this case, Nancy, I don't think that's the deal. I think you -- as you say, too, remember -- are attractive (in all senses of the word). And I'm sure he finds you attractive, too. But my sense is that he also finds you: convenient. You say ending this will hurt. It hurts already, Nancy. So place/answer a new ad. You are too old to play stupid games -- but you have been since you were, like, 17. You are, however, not too old to be with someone who thinks you totally rock and -- bonus -- who does not think "sex," "feelings," and "relationship" are mutually exclusive. Find that person -- that is, remind yourself that YOU are worth holding out for him -- and you will find the Fountain of Self-Confidence.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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