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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

First a quick history (this'll be important.) My history: folks split at age 2, moved in w/ Dad in\ big bad LA at 12, on my own at 16. No solid relationships, just casual (and sexually active) affairs. Her history: folks always together, high school flings but no sex. Let's call her Jenny.

We meet just after she finishes high school and starts the local junior college. I am 1 year from moving 400 miles away to complete my bachelor's degree. We date slowly, seeing other people (I'm sexually active, she's not). I'm hesitant to get "serious" because I'm about to leave town, but dammit! I love her, so tell her so. We're now committed.

Dating gets more intense. 6 weeks before I leave, I am her first (she's, oh, my 14th or so). When I get to school, we talk at least an hour every day (which I resent--I want time to myself), I drive back to LA every 2 weeks (she's living with her Victorian folks and couldn't possibly travel on her own.) Things go reasonably well. When I return for the summer, my father (and sole source of income) falls into a coma; I spend my summer working 12-14 hour days trying to save his small business. She's upset that I don't spend enough time with her.

Dad comes out of a coma, tells me to return to school, and dies the last day of the fall term. Winter term starts, and she joins me at the University. Reading French postmodernism isn't an easy task what with the guilt of my dad's death weighing on me and all, so I drop out of school and get a full-time job. I'm now working 8-5 every day, and want to do things like, oh, get to bed at 11pm. Meanwhile, she's new in town, away from everything she's ever known, and I'm the only one she knows. I spend every free minute with her. She returns to LA for the summer, and I have a blast. No infidelity, just fun times with friends.

Fall term starts, she returns, I'm 5 classes away from my degree, but working full time. I arrange with my boss that I'll leave in the middle of the day to finish my coursework (he wouldn't get to keep me if he didn't agree!) So now, I'm working a full-time job, taking my final requirements (the most intense courses I've ever had), and still trying to go to bed by 11! All free is spent with her. Meanwhile, her parents are still fully supporting her, she's not working, and is being a carefree fun-loving party girl. I have exchanged my mohawk and pierced tongue for a laptop and Dockers.

Two days before our official 3-year anniversary (when I said "dammit, I love you"), she confides that she's not happy. She doesn't want to wake up at 37 and realize she's "never really lived" (she's 21, I'm 23). She "still loves me," she knows that "she wants to spend the rest of her life with me", but wants to take a break for a term. I'll be free to see other people as well. Since it's early spring, this means wewouldn't really get back together until her return from LA in September. She doesn't quite understand when I say I need 2 weeks alone, or that I'll spend time with her but no romance, just a friendly cordial relationship until the fall. Secretly, I'm partially happy. I always resisted getting into the relationship, and missed my free-wheeling bachelor days.

We have a tough 5 weeks. She hears rumors from mutual friends about what I'm thinking, and confronts me. We argue, we cry, we make love (after I've asked whether she's been with anyone else, she says no). Things get better. She drops several hints that she wants to get back together. Everything's going well. She comes over to help me get my apartment straightened out for a visit from my family. I suggest we could have a repeat of the night from a few weeks earlier, and again ask if she's been with anyone else ("No"). We start talking, we don't want this to mean "everything," we just miss each other, and things got so much better after last time. Then she starts crying, "I'm scared, I don't want to screw things up."

I ask if she's seeing anyone else. She looks away. I ask AGAIN if she's been with anyone else. She looks away. "You don't want to answer that now? 10 minutes ago it was a quick 'NO.'"

"It didn't mean anything, it was nothing, it was awkward, I don't want to hurt you. You shouldn't have asked. How will this affect us?"

"Don't ask me right now. Give me some time. I need to be alone. You should leave."

"Can't I at least spend the night? Just to sleep?"

"No." She leaves.

Three days later, it's my graduation day. I'm done. I'm getting honors. My blind and very ill mother, sister, and sister's fiance have come out to visit from the east. A week prior, Jenny and I had decided that it would be a big help if she could take my family to graduation as I need to get there early. She calls to arrange a pickup time, yells at me because I thought the plans might have changed considering recent circumstances. My graduation would have been great, but I'm now in a VERY bad mood. The after-party is lunch at a local sushi bar. All my friends from out of town are there, it's been planned for a month. She leaves early because she has to meet somebody (ostensibly to work on a term paper.) She barely says goodbye as she's leaving. True, I haven't spent a lot of time with her at the lunch, but I was teaching my BLIND, DISABLED, MIDWESTERNER mother how to eat sushi! I haven't heard from Jenny since.

We had agreed that we both could see other people (although I haven't). I'm in a small town, have no social life (ALL of my very scarce free time went to her). I know nobody, except her friends. I signed a year-long contract to work in my current position because she would be here, so I can't go anywhere. All of my friends feel "I could do much better," that "you may have started out at the same maturity level, but you're light years beyond her now." Most of my oldest friends want me to lose her. I've lost any style I may have had, gotten fatter and started balding. Coworkers are all middle-aged with kids. Hobbies, interests, social skills fell away when I had to spend all of my free time with her. I resent her for taking the time from me.

What to do? How to rebuild? I'm devastated. I think I want to end it with her. I wanted to end it before I found out she was sleeping with (rather, slept with) another guy. I don't want to react from anger or pain. We have so little in common anymore; we loved each other so much. Our backgrounds are radically different--I've always been in unstable situations and only ever saw unstable relationships. For her, just the opposite. I don't want to regret throwing away a 3.5 year first-love relationship. Thoughts, insights, answers? Thanks, BG.

-- Guillermo

Dear Guillermo,

First of all, I am so sorry about your dad.

Also, on a jauntier note, that your mom had to wait so long to eat sushi.

Now for some thoughts/insights:

You know, I find it odd that you say you feel guilty about your father's death, over which you had no control ... and yet, from the way you describe them, you feel powerless in the face of things over which you do have control. You had an hour on the phone every night to say it didn't work for you to spend an hour on the phone every night. You had all of your free time with her to tell her it didn't work for you to spend all of your free time with her. You act like you went from Stud Stud to Dockerdud in some computer makeover program with an unseen hand doing the clicking and dragging. I completely understand that you feel like you're at a dead end right now-- but no wonder.

So I will stop short of ordering you to break up for good with Jenny; it would be good practice for you to choose and act on your own -- because I'm not sure it's occurred to you that you can.

My observations on the topic, however, are simply these: "Regret" (your word) and "miss" (mine) are different, as are "reacting from anger and pain" (yours) and "an action that involves/invokes anger and pain" (mine). Oh, and so are "throwing away" (yours) and "choosing to end" (mine).

And about work, social life, etc. Well, yes, I've heard livelier. But: "hobbies/interests/social skills fell away?" They're down there somewhere, G. Pick them up. Find people (platonic, for now) on the internet. Meet J's friends' friends, then start skipping the middle man. Ask a lawyer (Don't know one? Get plucky. Ask friends of coworkers, etc.) to eyeball your contract and see if there's a legit way out. It may not be ideal until the contract ends, G, but there's always something you can do. There is there is there is.

It's your dad who passed away; but you, my friend, are being the martyr. Don't let yourself get to middle age without trying sushi, you know what I mean?

Love,
Breakup Girl

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