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Dear Breakup Girl,

I finally got up enough courage to talk to Mr. "I'm-in-the-process-of-a-divorce- and-I-don't-want-to-feel-like- things-with-you-are-too-serious" about what was going on (spending little time together, etc.) and things improved quite a bit. We spend time together after work, usually crashing at each other's apartments. We rent movies. We go for walks. We have fun sex. He treats me with respect. He compliments me.

My problem is this: he thinks I'm a total nympho because I constantly want to have sex with him. I have explained to him that it's not that I'm a nympho; it's just that nookie time is the only time I can be physically close to him. He's not a huggy-kissy type of guy. If he thinks I'm in a grouchy way or if he thinks he's done something to irritate me, he shows a tiny bit of affection, but for the most part, it's I who initiates any sort of contact. I know he tries to be a little warmer, but I think it's just not in his nature to be huggy-kissy, let-me-play-with-your-hair-ish. This stuff has been brought to his attention in a playful bantering sort of fashion, and I've noticed small changes. But there are times when I feel like I'm starving for some physical contact (not necessarily sex), and I get into a funk because I'm not getting it.

Of course, he will notice that I seem a bit grumpy and will do the obligatory shoulder-grab and back-rub for a few seconds, but by then I'm feeling so icky that I would rather just ride that Grand Funk all the way home. Should I just sigh and resign myself to a life of less-than-ample attention? Is it possible that he just needs time to warm up to the idea of touching someone other than himself?

And why does he get mad when I tell him to open the freakin' English muffin over the sink? Why can't I come first? That's my problem: I want to be his first priority, and I know that's not possible. Just tell me to get over it. Is that what I need to do?

--Andrea

Dear Andrea,

About the English muffins. Some people see dead people, some people see cornmeal crumbs. Some people don't. The sink is your crumb-catching technique, but maybe it's not his, um, cup of tea. Just kindly request that he clean up the little goodies, wherever they may land.

Other than that, muffin, you're sort of asking two questions. Or are you? I mean, there are personality differences ("I think it's just not in his nature..."), and there are priority differences ("I want to be his first priority, and I know that's not possible"). The former sure can feel like the latter, but I just want to take a moment to fork-split the two. Check the relationship as a whole, because lots of it does sound yummy: generally, is it that a particular flavor of attention that you like does not come first, or that you do not come first? If it's more the former, well, I can see why the grump-n-grab would be less than transporting for you both -- not to mention why that Grand Funk might run on a vicious-circular track. So instead, ask him: "Well, if play-with-my-hair ain't your thing, what is?" And notice: what's he doing when he's NOT not huggy-kissy -- are there other his-kind-of-sweet things going down?

OR. Do you feel like the nookylessness is a symptom/microcosm of a larger indifference? Trust your good old gut on this one -- and if so, talk about that, not just the huggy/kissy. On the one hand, I don't want you to throw out tasty sweets with the sinkwater, you know? On the other, I don't want you to treated like anything less than, well, anything here.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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