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SHOUTOUTS

To Unstalked from Special K:

Though I think BG's advice is usually da bomb, I gotta disagree with her here: Don't write back to your stalker ex.

He threatened you, your friends, and your parents. He knows you don't want him to contact you, but, 5 years after the breakup, your number's still unlisted because you know he's been continuing to try to contact you. The only reason he hasn't contacted you earlier, I take it, is that, 'til now, he's been foiled by your loyal friends and relatives. "Friends?" After that?!

Unstalked, you sound totally together. Don't risk your peaceful life -- and your safety -- just to be "kind." You owe this abusive man nothing. He's dangerous. You fear -- with good reason -- that "by not replying, I could set him off again." If you don't reply, and he starts up again, he was gonna do that anyway. If he's still obsessed with you (and since he wrote, we know he's still thinking about you), any letter, however brief and frosty, will be taken as an invitation for further contact. Sure, maybe he's in anger therapy; maybe he's changed. If he's REALLY changed and now understands that stalking/threatening are always, always wrong wrong wrong, then he'll understand if you don't respond.

Also to Unstalked from John:

If you reply to him, you will get another "nice" letter and another and another, until doomsday or until he figures out your address and shows up on your doorstep. The "apology" letter is a common stalker trick. Please don't reply; this is serious.

BG responds: Bravi. I simultaneously think that both of you are absolutely right and stand by what I said (not that she clearly should write, if you recall, but that she could ... IF she took certain precautions) -- which was only after/because of a thoughtful evaluation of her particular story and circumstances. That said, the default advice in such cases should ALWAYS ALWAYS be that of Special K and John. And I should have made that clearer. Thanks.

To Fox from Jason:

I don't know what to say other than I understand. I went out with my girlfriend for two years until she broke up with me (which destroyed me). Six weeks later, she starts seeing my best friend. And I have to find out about it from someone else. That was around two months ago, and I really regret the fact that I never told them off. You don't have to be mean, you don't have to be spiteful, but you absolutely should let them know that this JUST isn't how you treat people, and that they're (or maybe just Sam) is an idiot to think that anyone would keep someone who treated them so badly in their life. The friendship is over; you're just hurting yourself by cultivating your end of it. Close the door on these two people, and make some better friends. A friend who hurts you isn't one.

Also to Fox from Juliefoolie:

Ouch. Total freaking ouch about the whole boyfriend dumping you for a contrived reason and the best friend going out with him like not an hour later. I can completely identify, only with me, I'd been LIVING with him when he hooked up with my cousin/life-long best friend. So when I got home there was his crap and I had all that to deal with.

Anyway, the thing is, it HURTS. People tell you, "Well, obviously she wasn't such a good friend," and people say, "You can do way better than him." But that's not the point. It hurts with every breath. And you wonder whom to trust now, and you wonder if it's ever going to go away. For me its only been a month or so, and it still hurts. But you know what you do: just remember that living well is the best revenge. Do cool stuff for you. (I know you're hurting and don't feel like it. Do it anyway.) Cook something you always wanted to try, but he didn't like. See girl movies that made him gag. ( I played Lilith fair CDs and stuff.) Rearrange your furniture. ( I actually moved, but that was planned before the breakup.) Force yourself to talk to one new guy a day, even if its someone in line at the 7-11. Talk about the weather and smile. (Then go home and cry.)

I don't know how to say get over it; I'm not over it yet myself, but I'm dating, even though I don't know if its too early. If I go through the motions of having a good time, then I suddenly realize that I AM having a good time.

Next point, about the friend. Sometime just say to her point blank, "Was it worth it? Was it worth screwing our friendship up over a guy?" If she says yes, then you know. If she defends herself...you also know. What I'm saying is: He dumped you on a lame excuse, and is going out with a person who scavenged up her friend's ex boyfriend while the body was still warm. In other words, they are both lower than low and have no clue about loyalty or friendship. I don't see a lot of love lasting out of that one. So, eventually, I am sure you will have the last laugh. (But I know it still hurts.) Lotsa luck and a big sister type hug.

To Don't Know What to Think from Veronica:

As a fellow redhead, I know what you are going through, girl! I was teased for my red hair and light skin, though everyone told me I was pretty, and I would see the guys looking. But no one ever came up and talked to me, and every guy I went out with found me "not good enough." Finally (throughout high school), my self esteem went down the drain. But to keep it up, I got involved in sports and went out and met all the people I could. Finally, people saw the real me, with talent and a good personality, and I became officially "cool." Find something you like, maybe a club or a sport, and show people just how awesome you are. There's nothing better than other people telling you you're great at something. Oh yeah, and as far as the guy situation goes, everyone goes through it, and it is in no way because of the way you look or because something is wrong with you. The right guy for you will think that you are the best thing in the entire world and that there isn't anyone better. But in the meantime, use all the guys you meet as a way to find what your perfect guy is really like. And hey, there's nothing real guys like better than a girl with confidence! (Believe me! I now have the most awesome boyfriend, and I proved myself wrong about everything I thought before!) Good Luck!

To Lessa from Julie:

As a stripper who men drool over, you have to give your bouncer credit for not grilling you every night after work, know what I mean? Maybe, since he trusts you, he expects you to trust him. Or maybe he's a bum. I don't know. As for your self-esteem, maybe a first step might be to change your name to Maura (More-a) or Greta (Greater). I think you see yourself as the Lesser in your relationships. Just another theory.

To Steffi from El Duderino:

Someone with a degree is capable of behaving just as badly as a "working girl." There can be many reasons why someone like me loves a woman: because she smiles at me when I say something dumb, because of the way she smells, because her uncle lets me drive his car, because we were both 23, because she can't say the word "groovy," because she lights candles on a warm night, because she plays with my ears when we watch movies, because she eats whatever I cook for her, because she's always punctual, because she has food fights with my best friend, because she's not afraid of snakes, because she likes rain, because no two pancakes are the same, because she wears black stockings, because she hates the Spice Girls, because she never say the same thing twice, because she can beat me up if she wants to, because she squeezes the tooth paste badly, because she looks beautiful when she frowns, because she felt sorry when she hurt me, because she still flirts with me after we've known each other for 15 years, because she flirts with other guys, because she cries when the bad guys get blown up in a car chase... So, there.

BG responds: Oh, Dude. Deeeelightful.

To BG from Andrew:

I just wanted to tell you that after my year off of college, which was occupied by much contemplation and study of an awesome advice column written by a beautiful girl called BG, I am back in school having a great time feeling the joy of limitless horizons. I've also fallen in LIKElike again with a very cool girl. If anything happens, I know it will be so much more healthy than my previous relationship. Anything would, actually. Bad joke aside, she really does rock! Anyway, she's awesome, I feel awesome, and while I'm not sure if things will work out perfectly, I feel absolutely comfortable dealing with things, for which I know I have your positive influence to thank. I'm a devoted fan.

BG responds: Thank YOU.

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