Tuesday, February 9, 1999
As our nation gears up to celebrate President's Day with the usual barrage of greeting cards, romantic candlelight dinners and Celine Dion ballads ("To Love JFK More" is my personal fave), it seems one Hollywood hottie won't be joining in the festivites. Mountain-lipped mannequin Anjelina Jolie, best known for playing the hip, beautiful heroin-starved subject of "Gia," is divorcing her husband of two years Jonny Lee Miller, best known for playing the hip, beautiful heroin-starved subject of "Trainspotting." The two met during the filming of the horrid techno teen thriller "Hackers" and married shortly thereafter in a ceremony featuring bride in black rubber pants (Vera Wang, presumably) and a white shirt with Jonny's name soaking through the fabric in the Gia wanna-be's very own blood! (Does Marilyn Manson know this woman is single yet?) Anyway, where do you go from there? The two fought repeatedly throughout their brief union, and now Jolie is free to win more Golden Globes and add more collagen to her lips. Sparkle, Angie!
American Cameron X
I, along with eight trillion people, would love to date Cameron Diaz. You perhaps for the sex; moi, for the hairstyling tips. And now, thank you oh heavenly father, she has managed to wrangle the terminally cool Edward Norton from the grasps of his ex-girlfriend/harpy Courtney Love. Ed and Cammie were seen together last week in Miami celebrating the Super Bowl by making their own touchdowns; taking lessons from hypersenstive Courtney, Eddie grabbed a camera from an eager paparazzo and ran around the room taking pictures until the roll was through. Way to act completely childish, Ed! The two were also spotted at the Tommy Hilfiger pre-game show dancing in a provocative and highly watchable manner. No word on whether Cameron later reenacted her famous hairgel scene.
Digging Her Own Hole
In other Courtney news, I caught a screening of her latest film "200 Cigarettes," and while it's a rather enjoyable film it's all about Martha Plimpton, mark my words -- watching Courtney get down and dirty with angel-faced Paul Rudd (who has read BG's book! Just ask him! She did! at some MTV hodown a couple years ago) in an East Village bathroom stall is not my idea of entertainment in any sense. Considering she also made it with Ed, a baby-faced innocent in comparison, I can only wonder if Michael J. Fox, Rick Schroeder, or Webster might be next on that list of celebrities she purportedly carves as she scales the ladder of fame.
Fran-tically In Love
Seems Hilfiger's an aphrodisiac these days. Also at the pre-game party was the car alarm-throated actress Fran Drescher, mixing it up with Guy Oseary, co-owner of Maverick Records. This puts the one-joke pretty lady one degree closer to the other owner of Maverick, Madonna. No, Fran, Lourdes already has a nanny, thank you!
Oh, those bashful kids of the WB! Apparently-supernatural stunner Sarah Michelle Gellar and thick, ultra-tanned Jerry O'Connell (Neve's doomed boy toy in "Scream 2" and the fat kid from "Stand By Me") are keeping mum about their extracurricular activities, though inside word says these two killer teens are liplocked. O'Connell will say only that he knows "Sarah very well" and that he cares for her very deeply. Could be code, sure -- but why hide the fact that you're dating Buffy?
Good Love Hunting
As promised, this week I turn my attention to the current love tragedies of Ben Affleck, the affable if occasionally arrogant star of "Armageddon" and the upcoming "200 Cigarettes." His breakup with Gwyneth Paltrow made more headlines last month than anything the Senate's been up to lately, and situations have only been exacerbated by Ben's appearance on Saturday Night Live -- when his ex-princess was hosting. As Gwyn limped by in a harmless sketch involving her heavily used British accent, Ben made a quickie appearance from the audience, casually referring to their breakup last month. You're a trouper, Ben, and we your gossip-hungry public appreciate your willingness to play along. However, we know you were masking your hurt; we know you're a wounded bird, a fragile robin's egg, balancing on the precipice of destruction. Let it out, Ben, don't mind us. Here's a little advice on how to heal and forget, mon frere, from me to you. I'm no Breakup Girl, Ben, but I'm here for you ...
1) Whatever your emotional state, don't ever mock your relationship in public, because it will lead people to believe that the relationship was false, like something created by Scientology. (Oops! Guess you already broke this rule.)
2) You'll be seeing her at award shows and various celebrity functions in the next couple months. Don't ever let me see you look so unkempt and haggard as you did at the Golden Globes. Keep your dignity intact and your wardrobe people on call.
3) Don't blab to Premiere Magazine or Entertainment Tonight or even me about your relationship. Ever. It's very tacky. Don't however be afraid to cry on the shoulder of a close friend or a therapist. Let it out to Matt, baby. That's what he's there for.
4) Realize that this is just your first Hollywood romance. Not everybody is so icy, Ben. Find yourself a down-to-earth girl, a Claire Danes, a Katie Holmes. Better yet, rely on your own self-glamour and date a cute waitress with a heart of gold. And treat her like a starlet.
5) And most importantly, do not ever not even in an emergency give your email password, especially to your girlfriend. I mean, are you nuts?!
If you need any additional counseling, Ben, I recommend you go out and toss back a few with with Brad Pitt. You two have some *serious* stories to swap. If you're in the neighborhood, I'll have some martinis waiting.
Until next week, readers, enjoy President's Day with a cigar -- the real way to salute your Commander in Chief....
Breakup Girl created by Lynn Harris & Chris Kalb