So I've been all excited this week because I knew Dolly was coming to town and having this huge concert in Central Park. Opal, the head waitress here at the HoJo, kept talking about how this is Dolly's first trip to New York, which I could not believe, so I wanted to show her how much we New Yorkers loved her. I wore a huge blonde wig, stuffed my lounge jacket with melons, armed myself with an acoustic guitar and sped to the Park, where I was crestfallen to discover that it was the Dalai Lama, not the Dolly Parton, who had arrived in New York. Angrily, I hurled my melons at the religious leader and was promptly carted off by security, but not before lifting my head toward the sky and singing a chorus of "Jolene." From the platform many feet away from me, the Lama (Lorenzo's brother?) nodded his head in approval.

Demi's A Space Case

Alas, it's becoming apparent that Demi Moore and Bruce Willis will not be getting back together anytime soon. Bruce, who seems to enjoy spending time with tots given his appearance in "The Sixth Sense," baby-sat his own kids and those of members of his staff -- that's 11 brats in all! -- at a recent performance of Broadway's "Annie Get Your Gun" with Bernadette Peters. (Bernie and Bruce. Now that would be a hot couple!) A couple days later, the kids were in Demi's custody, where they were seen with mom at the space-themed restaurant Mars 2112. Demi could see her children for only a minute, as she had tables to bus and customers to serve. Kidding!

(Actually, Demi's been getting busy with her trainer Oliver Whitcomb and has announced to Bruce that she'd like to have children with the stud. Damn, but she loves being pregnant! Anything to get her to stop acting!)

Berry Happy

Remember how I tried to get Halle Berry a date a couple months ago, because she had announced publicly that she had a hard time meeting guys? Well, call me Mr. Matchmaker, because she was seen last Tuesday at the premiere party for her smashing new HBO film "Introducing Dorothy Dandridge" with hot R&B singer Eric Benet on her arm. (I mean, I'm SURE they met because of this column, right?) Other celebs at the ultra hot party included Samuel L. Jackson, Spike Lee and Eartha Kitt (another legend who needs an HBO movie on her life).

Sexually Stung

Can Sting really have sex for seven hours without an orgasm? The poster child for tantric sex (that's New Age snogging, for you less in-tuned to your libidos) once claimed that he could achieve that feat, presumably with his wife Trudie Styler (though he didn't specify). However, in the latest issue of Esquire magazine, the Police-man corrects that comment, saying the seven hours "includes dinner and a movie," and I'm hoping the movie's not "Gone With The Wind" or the least sexy movie ever, "Eyes Wide Shut." Meanwhile, have you seen him in the hot British film "Lock, Stock, And Two Smoking Barrels"? Still very sexy, but he literally looks like he's made of some sort of varnished wood. My baby looks like a cabinet door!

Limp Fisted

Regarding my recent comments on Fred Durst and his flaccid pastry of a band Limp Bizkit, I received several opinions from readers, including the ones below:

"Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit is way better than Dennis Rodman any day. If anything, the question should be: why is Fred Durst so desperate to go out with a bimbo like Carmen Electra?"

"I think what you said about Fred Durst was really harsh. I think Limp Bizkit is a great, original band. Maybe you could understand that if you took the time to listen to their music you would know. As for Carmen Electra, well, Fred could do a whole lot better."

You think my comments about Fred were harsh? What about his comments on Howard Stern proudly admitting he's a homophobe? As for the "great" originality of this band, I suggest you do a little research outside of the Top 40 bin of your local music store. Surprise! Somebody else created the hybrid of rock and hip-hop! Have you ever heard of a little known group called the Beastie Boys? The only thing Freddie and his poorly cooked Hungry Jacks have in their favor is a superb marketing team, bigger speakers, and an angry group of fans. At least nobody riots over Britney Spears.

And as for doing better than Carmen Electra, who would really want to? She's may be silly, but she's still a babe. And Cameron Diaz will never go for him.

Gregoire's Mail Bag!

Here's some reader star sighting recently dropped in my inbox....

"A San Francisco star-spotting... the boyfriend and I were in Tosca, a sort of smoky-swanky North Beach bar, when we saw Sean Penn come rolling in. He was looking GOOD! Clean, sober, shiny hair, and with a big smile and hug for the lady he was meeting -- we'll bet it was his mother. He was so sweet to her! Alas, they hustled into the "secret" back pool room before we could make our way over to gush about 'Indian Runner.' From everything you hear, not the sighting you'd expect. But it's true!"

Honey, even Satan has a mother! It could have also been an aunt or an old school teacher. Wouldn't that have been even sweeter?

"Love your column. Waiting in front of the Paris Theater on 58th Street, to see 'The Dinner Game'. Larry King and wife number 20 -- Big Lar actually admits to being a senior and wants the discount! No, wife did not ask for child's fare."

Speaking of celebrities going to the movies, girlfriends Matt Damon and Ben Affleck (with apparent Siamese brother Casey) were seen checking out "The Sixth Sense" at the Kips Bay Cinema in Manhattan. No word from my spy as to whether the trio figured out the "surprise" ending, but seeing as I figured it out within two minutes (and that's with a few cocktails in me), I'll give them the benefit.

"What is the deal with John Norris? I see him at the gym (New York Sports Club, Reade Street) all the time. You should have seen him when he started. Ran like a girl. (Not that it's a bad thing.) Laurence Fishburne sweats there, sometimes, too, but he is still tres hot. Just felt like dishing!"

Well I run like a girl, too, so don't criticize. Actually, I run like an old woman (Satan's mother?). Actually, I haven't run in years. Who knows what I look like?

"You are the best! I love your write-ups. They make me laugh and fall in love with you more and more each time I read them. I kind of have a tip for you but I'm sure it's old news to you. I had a friend whose aunt was working the night that Richard Gere had his supposed gerbil experience (she's a hospital controller). I still wonder if it's true as you make so many references about his (can we call it a pseudo-relationship) with Carey Lowell."

"Do you really believe he and his lovely lady have some kind of fake thing going to cover his homosexuality? Do Hollyweird couples feel the need to fake relationships? Let's segue this topic also towards Tom and Nicole, John Travolta and Kelly Preston (I've heard some strange things there), and the lovely Whitney and Bobby? I am so confused...Help!"

Ooo, dear, don't be confused! Simply put, Hollywood is weirder than you can possibly imagine. The Richard Gere gerbil tale is one of the world's most popular urban legends, and everybody knows somebody who happened to be in the hospital the night Rich came in with the creature inside of him, which may have been the same night Andy Gibb was admitted with a little Pop Rocks situation. Many of the gay rumors regarding Dick relate to the fact that he lived in the West Village in the early days of his career, purportedly above a leather/fetish shop. Now, as Richard Gere absolutely bores me in every way, I don't really pay attention to any tales of his past homosexual adventures. I'd much rather know why he keeps his hair that shameful salt-and-pepper color. (Dick, they have wash-in color additives to clear that crap up!)

Are he and Carey Lowell a real couple? My guess is yes, because they don't have Scientology to cover things up like Tom and John do. Of course, what is a "real Hollywood couple" anyway? That's an oxymoron, if you ask me. In Hollywood, Cupid is a highly paid, well-respected publicity office. This doesn't mean that famous people can't fall in love with each other (see Will and Jada, Paul and Joanne, and -- yes, believe it! -- Whitney and Bobby). But don't hold them to the same rules as you would for your own relationship.

Until Richard Gere introduces my Dolly,
Gregoire

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