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Dear Breakup Girl,

Here's the deal: my family expected me to clean up after them (do the dishes after every meal while my brothers lazed around; I left home at the first opportunity and became an emancipated minor, which tells you what I thought about that), then all my boyfriends expected the same. Well, maybe they don't expect it, but they don't do it!

I have a demanding career; I do volunteer work, and I also freelance my artwork. I like my free time, but I find that I spend a lot more time than they do on the housecleaning/chores. This was a point of contention in my last breakup; I resented being with someone who couldn't even clean up after himself.

Now I have an otherwise terrific guy, and I have the same issues: underwear on the floor, water spots all over the bathroom sink, dishes to wash every night, yadda yadda yadda. I told my boyfriend that I needed some "time out," not to have to be responsible for any messes for a few days -- and he got his feelings hurt and left.

How can I get the people I love to quit expecting me to clean up their messes? I am not a maid! I make enough messes of my own!

Am I out of line here or what? How do you get your partner to help you with the nitpicky, mundane junk that we all have to do day after day? Help!

-- Ms. Clean

Dear Ms. Clean,

In one sense, your letter could have been written by, like, any woman, in 1971. (And, oh yes, plenty today.) But in another, your letter is uniquely yours. I think your window to your past might be a little streakier than you realize: is it that the people you love expect you to clean, or that you expect the people you love to expect you to clean?

Now, I'm not saying that floor-wear is a legitimate decorating choice, or that you should have to live in a way you're uncomfortable with. But: "water spots" on the sink? I know what you mean, but, um, I can't think of a better place for them. The usual complaint is "s/he sees right through the crumbs/dust/whatever;" some slack must perhaps be cut for a substance that is in fact transparent.

So from a practical standpoint, you might -- either mentally or list-on-the-fridgely -- decide which areas must be "your way" (e.g. bathroom, kitchen), and which areas you can let go (e.g. closet you don't have to look at, floor on "his side" of the bed). And/or, along the same lines, decide which areas each of you is and is not responsible for. (You might also point out that men who do housework live longer, and not just because their wives don't kick their asses; see "Not Just a Good Idea.") That might be one way to polish this dealbreaker up into nothing but a nice, shiny peeve.

But, as I hinted above, I'd also peek under that slightly lumpy corner of the rug. Are you seeing crumbs where there are none (or at least few)? (Are you actually living with these guys?) Are you somehow seeking to "recreate" the very -- galling but familiar -- thing you escaped at such a young age (and with such force/drama)? I think that once you, somehow, get your past and present all tidied up -- like, stored on separate shelves -- you might find that the right guy was just buried under some clutter.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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